Oh gosh, I am not normally one to discuss personal matters on a public forum but reading between the lines, I feel that their are some real good Mums on here and I am looking for some advice on how to handle what I am finding to be a very difficult situation.
My son is 17 and I suspect that he is smoking cannabis or something every now and again. We are a family of non smokers and I have a very sensitive nose and recently, on numerous occasions he has come home with his clothes smelling very strongly of cigarettes -  I know that he is not a regular smoker so this is not the norm. He has experimented in the past about 1 1/2 years ago and owned up to it after I confronted him of my suspicions, after a long spell of 'grounding' I thought we had got through to him with our concerns and nipped it in the bud. Recently he has started to go out much more than he ever has and sometimes, when he's been out with friends, the dreaded smell has come back - I have at times felt that I am going round the bend obsessively smelling his clothing for signs. I did mention to him a couple of weeks ago my concerns but he denied anything and said that some of his friends do smoke and if they are indoors and friends have a cigarette, the smell gets onto his clothes that way which is a feasible explanation I suppose.
I have had issues recently because he has got into the habit of calling me after 10pm to ask/tell me that he is staying over at friends - he has a large group of friends so it varies which one. Also, he has been coming home much later than we would like - I would like him home no later that 11pm but he always asks to stay out later because everyone else is allowed and they aren't roaming the streets - he's 17 now and I feel like I should be giving him a bit more leeway but then he is still young.....my baby infact.
yesterday, he came home from college and all was fine, he sat out in the garden with me, cut both lawns for me and had tea. He then said he was going out to a friend who lives nearby - it was a beautiful evening and he said that the weather was too nice to sit indoors and I agreed with him. At 10pm, Son wasn't home and I was ready for bed so I called him to tell him to make his way back. He came home at 10.50pm and I was reading in bed, my Husband was downstairs watching tv and I heard Son come in, say 'Hi Dad' and come up stairs - usually he comes into my bedroom to say hello and tell me all about his night but he didn't. He got undressed, put his bath robe on and came downstairs into the kitchen - I heard him make a drink and play with the dogs. Hubby got up to come to bed and said that Son was laid on kitchen floor with dogs which is quite normal for him. I came down to get a drink and see what he was doing and something told me that he wasn't right - as I came into the kitchen, he walked out. I got drink and followed him upstairs where he was washing his face in Bathroom - he was swaying so I asked him if he had been drinking, he answered no and when he looked at me I knew straight away that he had been smoking something - his eyes were really puffy and glazed. I confronted him about it and he denied yet again. The smell on his clothes told me differently. He will continue to deny it and I know that I will struggle to get an honest answer out of him.
My problem is, how on earth do we handle this? I have told him that he is grounded, removed his laptop and Iphone and took the power cable from his Mac so that he has no internet and I have also told him that he can wave goodbye to his car - we bought him a car for his birthday in February. He hasn't passed his test yet but is very close to doing so and to be honest, if he's going to behave in this manner where I have even a slight inclination that he his using any substance, then I don't think I want him behind that wheel at all.
I feel so let down and alone today. He got up for college and didn't speak, just showered and went straight out of the door. We couldn't really address the matter this morning because I don't want our other son to know about this as he's just 11 and my worse nightmare would be that he too went down that path - he so looks up to his big Brother and I am beside myself with worry not only about what eldest son is doing to himself but also what example he is going to set for the little one.....where on earth am I going wrong?

You havent gone wrong anywhere so get that out of your head straight away. At that age experimentation is rife and it may be that he is doing that or he is hanging around with friends who are.

You describe him as swaying which isnt a sign of cannabis use. I've never known cannabis to have that effect, it normally just makes you giggly, chilled out, mellow etc.

I'm afraid i dont know what to suggest for you to handle the situation. It sounds like you have a loving 'normal' family environment. Rather than ground him to stop him doing it, why dont you sit down with him and get him to open up to you to find out if he really is doing it and if so, why he's doing it. Grounding him is only a temporary solution to it.
There may be some useful websites and phone lines where you could get advice. Ask Frank springs to mind. Or you could speak to a Doctor / Youth Worker / Advisor at College who are all very good and experienced at dealing with this.

Hmm.

I agree with FM, i can't see that you've done anything wrong at all. It may appear he has got some friends who are into drinking, smoking and possibly taking drugs.
Can i ask when you say that he is out with friends and they aren't hanging around the streets, just one question not to make you feel bad in anyway, but how do you know? Are they at someone's house where you know parents/guardians are?

I would try and sit him and speak to him like an adult and say you want him to have a life and his phone etc back but at the moment there is a trust issue and see if he'll open up. Be honest with him and see if he will be honest with you, you say he always has in the past.
Maybe say he can invite his friends back to yours one evening instead of him going out, you can then hopefully assess these friends to see what you think.
Ask Frank is what i thought also. Also the local Police sometimes can help by speaking to youngsters, i would happily have a chat with him if i lived near you.

From what you are saying about swaying, glazed eyes etc to be sounds like he had been drinking alcohol, which for a 17yr old is not abnormal.

Puffy red eyes, swaying ....I would be extremely worried as to whether he is inhaling glue/aerosols/lighter fluid - all of which are extremely dangerous.

It is a very very dificult path that you are on at the moment - pull the strings too tight, and your son will break away completely and go and sofa surf around his friends' houses - which can then spiral completely out of control.    But you don't want him to think that you approve of his behaviour in any way shape or form.   I know - I've had three sons - managed (just!!!) to keep them on the right path - but its not easy, and I think it gets harder with every year that passes.

You've done nothing wrong as a parent and he is behaving as a lot of teenagers will behave - experimenting and testing boundaries.   It is important that you talk to him - at a time when emotions are not running high and when you are accusing him of drinking/drugs and he isn't on the defensive.   Put forward the facts as you know them - and you can get the facts from websites like :- www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_4084726
or
www.knowthescore.info/kts/files/drugs_parents_guide.pdf

You know he is a good lad, but all good lads have their "off days".   You just have to hang on in there, tell him that you love him and you don't want him messing up his life.

Good luck {{hugs}}

Margot

> Can i ask when you say that he is out with friends and they aren't hanging around the streets, just one question not to make you feel bad in anyway, but how do you know? Are they at someone's house where you know parents/guardians are?

To be perfectly honest, I don't know for sure. When he has rang to ask about staying over, he always says where he is and i believe him - I've never had any reason not to. I never ask to speak to parents now because he is at that age where he would die of embarrassment and get so much flack from his friends for having such an over protective Mum........On reflection, I have become sooo complacent :-(

> From what you are saying about swaying, glazed eyes etc to be sounds like he had been drinking alcohol, which for a 17yr old is not abnormal.

I know he has had a drink at times and I can accept that to a point, last night wasn't drink, I know that. His eyes where puffy and very blood shot. I haven't described the way he was very well, he wasn't so much swaying but he staggered when drying his face and seemed unsteady - just something wasn't right.

The last time we has these issues I called Frank and didn't get much advise to be honest - the girl I spoke to gave me a lecture for accusing son when I couldn't be certain and if he was just experimenting with cannabis, it wasn't the end of the world......I came off the phone in more of a state than before hand. I also called our local police who couldn't offer me any advice either - I wanted to know if it was possible to get a urine test or similar.

Edited to add:  Up until recently, he hardly ever went out - maybe once a week if that and friends always came here if he wanted them to - they are always welcome except for one in particular who I just can't gel with. He's always been such a great kid but he does have a side to him that I cannot stand - he is extremely sneaky and if he wants to do something that we do not approve of but thinks he will get away with it without us finding out, he will just go ahead and do it - I certainly do have trust issues with him and I know it will be almost impossible to get him to own up to whatever it was that he was doing last night.

> Puffy red eyes, swaying ....I would be extremely worried as to whether he is inhaling glue/aerosols/lighter fluid - all of which are extremely dangerous.      Oh Margot, I certainly hope not and to be perfectly honest, I doubt it very much. Last time when he experimented with cannabis he had the puffy, blood shot eyes and that along with the smell of 'smoking' on his clothes lead me to question him then......he did own up.
> pull the strings too tight, and your son will break away completely and go and sofa surf around his friends' houses - which can then spiral completely out of control.    But you don't want him to think that you approve of his behaviour in any way shape or form.

EXACTLY Margot! I couldn't have worded that more precisely. He's at that age and I am so unsure as to HOW much leeway I should give him without being complacent and in which ways I should be disciplining him when necassary........this is the only time throughout Motherhood that I have doubted my capabilities :-(

Talk to him Hayley - don't accuse him and put him on the defensive - say that you are worried about all that you hear about drugs and younger children and tell him that you are worried about your younger son .......should you be worrying about him?    This might let him open  up a bit on the drug scene locally that is, sadly around all teenagers today.

Do have a look at those websites - maybe phone his college (if they haven't broken up yet) and see if they have a drugs counsellor that you can talk to - some do have parental support groups as well as offering support to students.

I can only repeat what others have said... And... Don't panic. Think calmly and think how you have handled everything else with your son. You know him best and how to approach a subject.

With my own son I stayed calm, I too had smelt it on him. I waited until he and I were by ourselves and relaxed. Then I just asked him out straight. We have, like you appear to have with your son, a very close and comfortable friendship. He did not lie. He told me excatly what was happening. He had tried it and hated. He told me the night it was,  similar  to the one you relate... He hated it and the smell and said he would never do it again. The times I had smelt it he had been around others, the time he avoided me he had tried it. We had a frank and open talk about it.
Good luck and keep us posted.

One more hint. My dogs went mad around my son the time he tried it, they would not have laid down beside him!!

It is that funny age isn't it? We are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, do we continue to be good parents and ground bad behaviour, keep our children safe and away from bad influences or let them go and hope they come around themselves and come to no harm. Both ways can work, both ways can go wrong and drive our child away or allow them to end up in dangerous positions.

The choice of what to do will only come down to knowing your child and your own parenting, knowing yourself what works with your son and how much control you can still have over him. The description sounds awfully like glue or aerosol sniffing to me (being no expert) but the swaying in particular. :-( Even if your son opens up and is honest, it does not mean he will not do the same again with this particular group or friends/friend, he already knows he is not supposed to be touching drugs of any type and yet he has, he can quite easily throw in your face he is old enough to do as he pleases now, and of course world war 3 could start. I would do my best to get him to open up and tell me who is the bad influence and keep him away from that person.

To be honest if you still have that level of control over him, can still ground him and remove his treats and the car issue, then to keep him safe you do that! To have that control still you are respected and obviously a good parent. ;-) He may well sulk for a while but if he is compliant until he is mature enough to not be swayed by peer pressure you continue to do your job in keeping him safe and raising him well.

Use your own instincts, he's your son, it's his life you are taking care of, to do that sometimes we have to do things they don't like, don't ever feel guilty about protecting your flesh and blood we are all they have for real guidance even if at times it is unwanted. Keep him with the friends you trust and perhaps have them at your home for sleepovers etc, (my favourite trick, even today :-) ) so that you can see what is going on, he's obviously still learning and not mature enough to care for himself yet!  :-)

And the best thing ever is if he can find a nice girl and then it detracts completely from his friends getting up to no good and experimenting. But I guess that will only happen at it's own pace, something nice to look forward to. If at Uni or College does he have a part-time job per chance? That will also keep him out of harms way and too busy for experimenting.

And the best thing ever is if he can find a nice girl and then it detracts completely from his friends getting up to no good and experimenting.

And then comes a different type of experimenting and worries. ;) :)

Just to add....................

What reason does your son give for wishing to stay over at friends houses?

Now my boys have a band and often their friends will spend the night rehersing, writing and playing and sleep over, that I understand they have a common interest and are bouncing ideas off each other until they fall asleep, or if going to a concert (or rather gig :-) ) it's easier for them to all stay together and sleep over. (Less worry for the parents) Or if the friend is a good distance away, again sleeping over no problem.

Teenage girls wishing to stay over at their friends I've always understood that too, girls need other girls. (It's a fact :-D )

But boys don't, not in the same way, for boys to go out for the night and then decide to sleep over at a friends I don't get why? What reason? Is there a common interest........... or is it that the parents of that particular friend are very lapse, allow smoking, drinking, watching porn and who knows what else so that this friends house becomes a place of interest?

I think you need to find out the reason why he wishes to stay at this friend/friends house to start with, if he has spent the night until 10-11pm or so with them, what else is there to talk about? Why the need to go home with them too? As this is obviously the problem area.

And then comes a different type of experimenting and worries

:-D :-D very true. Hence the phrase nice girl.

Actually my son (18) and his girlfriend are both absoltuely lovely together, very sensible and mature, with a nice group of friends. However, I have made it perfectly clear I do not wish to be a grandparent (at my young age :-) ) But to be honest, given the choice of being an accidental grandparent to a nice sensible couple of teens or having  a son drunk and into drugs with his mates I know which I'd chose every time. :-) Those nice girls out there can save our sons a good few years of wandering off the right path, as much as when they got together at 15 I was none too happy the girl has been the best thing to ever happen to my son.

He is growing up and felling his feet, he will soon be 18yrs old and you have to guide him not ground him, he is a young man. Weed costs money, so is he spending more money than usally? I would explain that weed can cause brain tumer's, and does kill his brain cells. Tell him if he carries on, he will have to lose his car, as if caught driving under the influence of cannibis, he would loose his licence anyway. Tell him cannibis does remain in your system for 3months. This is hard I know!!! but! try to educate him on the down falls. Try NOT to make it a battle between you and him. There are far worse drugs out there, were there is no!! come back. If he is smoking Weed he will sleep a lot. He will be laid back, a lot of students smoke it to get ride of exam nerves. I can smell it when I am out shopping, people that walk past. This is probly a faze. All boys experiment. Just talk in general with him and your 11yr old about drugs and the down fall in general. I am afraid it is now a way of life. I have never smoked or taken drugs or even tried them. I am just not intrested and prefer to spend my money eles where.
A young man changes like this, also, when he starts a sexual relationship with a  young lady. Suport him and direct him. It is your baby becoming a man. He'll wont to do things the others do. My baby is 23yrs in 2 weeks and I still worry.
Try not to got over board, he will just avoid you. Breath deep!!!
You can pick up leaflets on all drugs from you health centre's and drug centre's.

Denese

You haven't done a thing wrong at all. I have two and its my youngest thats the problem. They get to an age and they feel they are adult and  "I can handle it" when he obviously cant.
I have some advice but please dont jump on me, if you think he is taking cannabis why dont you tell him you would rather he did it at home where he will be safe? I did that with my two they were horrified when I suggested it but it was rife in the village and I felt I needed to make them understand that my only fear was for their safety. Yes I do know its illegal but I still would like them under my eye.

It may be fags and booze, cannabis is a very distinctive smell could he have been drunk and smoking?

At 17 and at college they do somtimes end up with the wrong crowd, reassurance that you do love/trust him coupled with a  bit of common sense, I set a curfew its my house and its my rules. Ben went off to Uni and lead a riotus life he once told me to ef off. I did, he got hungry and apologised he's the model of behaviour now but sometimes they have to learn themselves, but drugs in any shape can cause a lot of problems and you would be wise to try and keep him safe by being leniant. Ive still got my two safe and whilst it may not work for all it did for us.

But you did nothing wrong its just how they get when all the hormones and man bits take over their brains. Good luck do not despair. (I shed many tears about Ben & SAmb bt they are fine now!! honest)

luvhandles can i ask what your concerns are about his occassional use?

aside from it being illegal smoking cannabis occassionally is rarely damaging and i say this knowing many many smokers all of whom are not bums lol. its also very rarely addictive.

your son sounds like a a nice boy whos generally very well behaved, i personally feel that punnishing him rather than talking about it with him will just drive him to doing things on the fly rather than being open about it and thus safer about it. while you will always feel he's your baby you have to realise that he's not anymore, he's a young man who will be making his own choices- he's officially an adult soon. in my view better to be an advisor than an adversery. jmo.

best of luck with it though

> have some advice but please dont jump on me, if you think he is taking cannabis why dont you tell him you would rather he did it at home where he will be safe? I did that with my two they were horrified when I suggested it but it was rife in the village and I felt I needed to make them understand that my only fear was for their safety. Yes I do know its illegal but I still would like them under my eye.
>

thats very worthwhile advise.

> From what you are saying about swaying, glazed eyes etc to be sounds like he had been drinking alcohol, which for a 17yr old is not abnormal

Many years ago I smoked the odd joint, mildly happy, giggly, got the munchies.  I only smoked super skunk once, lost my balance, swaying, raging paranoia.  No two people will have the same reaction and the new super hybrids are far far stronger than they used to be.

Astarte says:-

> aside from it being illegal smoking cannabis occassionally is rarely damaging and i say this knowing many many smokers all of whom are not bums lol. its also very rarely addictive.
>

In general, this is the case - but now more and more young people are smoking skunk - with horrifying implications - see http://cannabis.net/articles/psychosis.html.

I know personally of two families that have been devastated by the effects of skunk-induced psychosis which has effectively destroyed the lives of two very creative young people - both of whom are unlikely to lead independent lives in the foreseeable future :(

this is true but it it is rare (though horrible when it happens). mostly smoking canabis has few harmful effects, even less if you don't smoke it. nice just plain grass is best.

Just to add - been thinking about this today, people have jumped to conclusions about alcohol/drugs etc but could be way off the mark.
I can remember a time when i was around the same age as your son and my parents were convinced i was taking something. They'd have probably described what you are describing and i wasnt taking drugs at all.
Just going through a time where i was out a lot seeing friends, generally bumming about, staying up late (hence the red eyes) and having a few drinkie poos.

Just becuase there are drugs around doesnt mean your son is taking them and it would be unfair to him to take that stance when talking to him. Assumption is the mother of all ---- up's
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Astarte i see the point you are getting at and agree :-) the occasional smoke isnt going to do much harm but prolonged use can lead to increased psychological issues and a progression onto something harder.

where on earth am I going wrong?

you arent going wrong! its what kids do. he will grow out of it, i tried it at that age. mine is just 19 but has been smoking it occasionaly since 17. he tells me about it and swears he wont do anything heavier. so i wouldnt take away his treats, if you do it could make him dislike you. mine has been staying over or coming in at 0400 since 17 also but thats normal. he is youngest of 4 boys and the older ones are all fine so turned out ok

> I know personally of two families that have been devastated by the effects of skunk-induced psychosis which has effectively destroyed the lives of two very creative young people - both of whom are unlikely to lead independent lives in the foreseeable future

We have a local MH hospital near me, its on the patch where i work. We get called there for many reasons and i often ask why such and such is in there, most and i most with the responses i get from the nurses and doctors is that they have MH problems sue to smoking too much weed and drinking too much alcohol. The paranoia amongst other things is rife from those who smoke weed on a regular basis, most people i speak to who smoke it don't mix it with tobacco anymore its pure and most of it is skunk as well.

So with this in mind Astarte i have to disagree with you on that side and agree with LM.

Some say that smoking cannabis leads onto harder drugs, so far they haven't found a direct link to this. Harder drugs tend to lead into a life of crime, which to be honest very few people to actually go into compared to those who are law abiding citizens.

Also Cannabis is now a class B drug and the government has given us the guidelines and we aren't so lenient on this anymore.

>>And then comes a different type of experimenting and worries
>:-) :-) very true. Hence the phrase nice girl.

Even nice boys and girls are capable of experimentation! ;-)
 

I'm not sure it is that rare or unusual.  Ask any psyche nurse what they think contributes to patients being sectioned and I'd be willing to lay good money down that at least 95% of them would sight canabis/skunk. 

> most with the responses i get from the nurses and doctors is that they have MH problems sue to smoking too much weed and drinking too much alcohol

> who smoke weed on a regular basis

i was refering to smoking occasssionally, just as the occassional drink is not harmful. being a total stoner is detrimental on many levels both in heath and life.

> Ask any psyche nurse what they think contributes to patients being sectioned and I'd be willing to lay good money down that at least 95% of them would sight canabis/skunk. 

contributes being the key word...its only one factor

>>> And then comes a different type of experimenting and worries
>> :-) :-) very true. Hence the phrase nice girl.
> Even nice boys and girls are capable of experimentation! ;-)
>  

quite. the suggestion that choosing to try things in life is not 'nice' is rather offensive to those of us that did experiment :)

i am assured that i am nice :)

This shouldn't be a case of judging - it should be a case of stating the facts - putting the basic facts to the young man in question, not putting him on the defensive!  

I was a hippy chick ......but times they are a-changing - and sadly, so have the drugs - what was relatively harmless in the 1960s is not any more.   And even with the cannabis of the 60s/70s/80s, there have been more reported cases of lung cancer amongst cannabis smokers of that era ...because they would inhale more deeply :(

>Some say that smoking cannabis leads onto harder drugs, so far they haven't found a direct link to this.

As far as I know the only definite link is the supplier, who can suggest and provide the harder drugs.

But certainly the 'modern' cannabis is far stronger than the stuff that was about in the 60s and 70s, and which was much less addictive than tobacco.

I was sitting on the park bench last evening with my hubby and the dogs.
On the next bench were 5 youngsters about 17yrs old and all smoking a splithe between them,my hubby  and i had to move as it was a terrible smell.
My son has just looked at this thread,He is 24 and said its only splithe and nothing to worry about......i said to him you dont realise the worry you cause to us parents when you are younger.
I do think 16 to 20 is a funny age for experimenting,but they get over it.
Just keep a close eye and let him know you are aware,and im sure you will.

Ask any psyche nurse what they think contributes to patients being sectioned and I'd be willing to lay good money down that at least 95% of them would sight canabis/skunk.

In total agreement.

Do you know I can never quite get my head around the fact that students in particular will say they have the odd recreational smoke to ease the stress of study, they are very easy to spot - the ones who look like they have just had a smack to the head and are slowly coming round with slower speech and spaced out eyes. :-D

These so called intelligent people seem to think that a drug that slows down and poisons the body and in particular the mind also causing lifelong paranoia somehow goes hand in hand with study and hard work, why can they not work out the two are completely incompatible?

It makes me wonder how on earth I got through Uni and my brothers and most of my friends and a very large proportion of students today without this recreational drug??  How on earth did we manage it......?  Um............Perhaps we were clever enough to work out we didn't need it as it's actually not a good or clever thing to do. :-(

I was a hippy chick

I still am!! :) :) :)

> i am assured that i am nice

I'm sure you are, me too. :-)

There are 2 types of users - Ask anyone taking 'heavy drugs' what they started on. 99.9% will say cannabis. Those that do it frequently (stoners) get to a stage where they need to use something stronger.
Those who use it infrequently usually smoke it for a while or infrequently and just stop. no biggie

But even taking it as being only a contributing factor, doesn't sit easily with your statement that it is rarely harmful - it's just the opposite.

Replying to nobody in particular here but just want to tell you MY story, drugs were a part of my eldest son's life for a fair few years, and he went down the route of self harming too.  I was at my wits end with him, I tried everything, I cried buckets and became to blame myself for his behaviour, he has 3 younger siblings, none of which I am pleased to say have replicated his behaviour - more learnt from it.  He was just J, nothing I could do or say would have stopped him.  When he was 22 he went to Prison for 3 months (not drug related) after a particularly harrowing time with him when he was released I was at my wits end and I packed him off to my Mum's in a City so I could regain my sanity, I was not in any way giving up on him, we live in a small market town.  I thought oh my goodness after he got on the train, what have I done, I've exposed him to more drugs, to more violence etc.,  He loved it so much and stayed on in the city, getting his own place, and he now works for a very respectable charity as a home fund raiser, no drugs, no self-harm nothing - lives with a lovely girlfriend and has been for two years. 

At Christmas we had a family meal in the city and I talked to him honestly and openly for the first time face to face since he moved and asked what made him stop, what made him change and his answer............'here I'm anonymous, nobody knows me in my home town I had reputation to maintain'....how simple.....why didn't I pack him off to the big city years ago?? I know if only it were that simple and this wouldn't work for everyone, but I want to tell you how proud I am of my son for what he has now achieved and for doing it all by himself.  I am crying as I'm typing this as I'm proud to be his Mother and before I used to think 'only his Mother would love him' now I think we'd all love him.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest and OP there is nothing you've done wrong, it took me many years to accept this but I do now.  All the best x

>> I think you need to find out the reason why he wishes to stay at this friend/friends house to start with, if he has spent the night until 10-11pm or so with them, what else is there to talk about? Why the need to go home with them too? As this is obviously the problem area.

Hi Carrington. Usually if he does stay over, its because it has got quite late and friend has said that its ok for him to stay. He usually says it was easier than us going to collect him so late or him getting a taxi........alarm bells ring now that my suspicions have been roused but before now I have thought ahh bless him, how considerate.

I speak as a 21 year old...

My mum has the talent of being able to smell the slightest whiff of smoke. I got directly accused of smoking when I was 16-18, and was also asked more subtle questions that were obviously digging around to see if I had been up to anything else. Apparently the fact my clothes sometimes smelt of smoke was harder evidence than my word, so I was not believed straight away. I have never even considered smoking a thing, nicotine or otherwise, and the hate the smell myself. I could have if I wanted, but I wasn't kept on a short reign, and thus felt no need to rebel.

At the older teenage years it seems parents desperately try to cling onto their children, trying to keep control of their lives my laying down more rules and applying more punishments. The friends I have whose parents acted like this just ended up resentful. One even ended up leaving home at 17 because she was fed up of the accusations, mistrust, and strict rules form her mother, despite not actually anything wrong. Her mum wanted her to be very academic and become a doctor or something like that, perhaps to make up for the sake she herself left school at 16 and regretted it.

What I'm trying to say if just be careful and don't drive your son away. Fair enough have house rules, but I don't think strict punishment is the best way to deal with experimentation. Of course I have no parenting experience myself, but this is the opinion of someone more your son's age.

It sounds to me that you have a lad there who is just in the process of maturing in a difficult world.I think that if he'd been sniffing glue or aerosols you would smell something on him,it could be he'd had some stronger cannabis that he reacted badly to.I know my own son and both my daughters tried cannabis.My lad didn't like it and after a short while the girls got bored with it and with being with people who did nothing but think about their next joint.

I toldall of them that I was upset to think they had taken anything and pushed it home to Ian that it was either weed or driving,not both and he loved the thought of having a car(he passed first time at seventeen).
He's just too old to be grounded and the other things you have put into place.He knew he'd done wrong the other night ,that's why he didn't come in to see you.You have to remind him that he looked awful because of what he did and that it's the time in his life now that he has to be trusted to make good choices.I'm also sure he knows all the gen on drugs that are available to him. it's very hard for young people to be different from their crowd.Tell him that you don't care what anyone else does it's him you love and you couldn't bear it if any thing happened to him,tell him you must beable to know that he's not taking drugs of any kind,give him his stuff back and say that you understand the pressures he's under,but you are too,in trying to make sure he stays healthy and that means no drugs.Tell him that if he's going to have a drink at his friends not to mix them and not to come home roaring drunk,and only on nights agreed by you and his dad(maybe saturdays).Also tell him and mean it that you will get a drug testing kit and test him regularly.Otherwise,hang on in there,he sounds very normal to me.Good luck to all of you.

> This shouldn't be a case of judging - it should be a case of stating the facts - putting the basic facts to the young man in question, not putting him on the defensive!  
>

totally.

> And even with the cannabis of the 60s/70s/80s, there have been more reported cases of lung cancer amongst cannabis smokers of that era ...because they would inhale more deeply :-(

you don't need to smoke it :)

> I'm sure you are, me too. :-)
>

lol ta :)

> Ask anyone taking 'heavy drugs' what they started on. 99.9% will say cannabis

and yet a large proportion of those who have tried cannabis don't get on to harder drugs. i think there is a good change that statistic comes simply from weed being more freely available than other drugs- did anyone do research on if they started smoking or drinking before they tried weed? seems likely but no one says that having a glass of wine will make you a junkie.

i personally feel thats more to do with the personality and situation than the drug.

Thank you all so much for your varied views and responses. As it stands, both myself and Husband are totally anti-drugs of ant description, I can cope with the idea of my son having a beer with his friends at the weekend but drugs no way.
Tonight Son came home from college and asked if we could talk before he went to work. We sat down and he told me that he was smoking weed last night and does it when he goes out with friends on Thursday and weekend.......I was in total shock to be honest and didn't know what to say. He said that he does it because he likes it - 'it chills him out' and that he has researched it and its harmless enough within moderation, he also said that he knows his limitations and wouldn't try anything else.... I thanked him for being honest but explained that I am totally against him taking any drug in any form. He is at work until 9.00pm but we will talk to him later. I don't know what he expects but no way can I just accept that this is what he's doing - I cant cope with this. Husband is furious and says he has two choices, either abide by our house rules - not touch the stuff and live happily with all his luxuries or else carry on but find somewhere else to live :-( I think Hubby is hoping that the threat will be enough to keep him off the stuff.......really don't know what I think at the moment.

> But even taking it as being only a contributing factor, doesn't sit easily with your statement that it is rarely harmful - it's just the opposite

it is a contributing factor for the very few people who suffer negative effects out of the numbers who have used the drug, so yes i would say rarely.

I hope that you can get this sorted with your son but would a threat really make him stop when his friends are doing it or will it make him do it behind your back and try and hide it more? (only you know this answer as no-one on here knows what your son is like) Weed does smell and it's easy to tell if someone's smoking it or has been smoking it however if he changed clothes and had a quick shower at a mates you would never know!  I lived two floors up from someone who smoked the stuff at uni and in summer would waft up though my window :(  It was horrible and can't understand how anyone can smoke it as I feel sick at the smell and can smell it a mile off...some kids were smoking it at a beach over easter :( 

I think the better thing to make him aware of is the legal issues with weed and what will happen if he gets caught with it. 

Oh!!luvhandles be carefull, if he does leave, anythink could happen, I have seen this happen so many times. Please for yours and your hubbys sake. don't loose him. He has been honest with you! With love and guidance he will grow through this.

Denese

Totally agree about the smell being sickening.I personally don't know what's so great about drug induced chilling out.If chilling out is glazed eyes and puffiness and a foggy brain not to mention upsetting your family big time and looking forward to being paranoid,then it's a definate no from me.It may not get you onto other drugs but in itself it's no good for anyone who isn't in medical need of it.queen Victoria used to take it,but in those days there was no research done on it and so no-one knew what damage it can do. the same with E's,they were given to the troops in ww1 to curb the appetite and to make them feel at one with the world.It was like a medicine then,until it started to be used by people who mishandled it and didn't know how to counteract the effects when it goes wrong.The same too with cigarettes,sold as a medicinal herb to kill germs in the throat!How many people start things that they bitterly regret somewhere down the line.Of course some won't be affected and in a way that gives those who are thinking about it,the false promise that they are safe too.It's so hard to help your children see things because they don't want to be told what to do anymore.You can only do your utmost and then a bit more,and hope for the best.

I cannot abide cannabis use and the arguments that it is less harmful than alcohol blah blah blah. I have heard them all. My ex use to smoke it and would pick a row to go out and smoke it at his friends house and then return in the early hours. No he wasnt 18 he was 40. He had smoked it since his teens. His temper was horrific. It has cost him his home and his family. The long term affects are scary. He coudnt hold a job down as he was up a hours and then wanted to sleep all morning.

I can tell you he isnt chilling out now......no money, no home and to be honest no friends.
I am sure his started off years ago as light recreational use........and this is where he has ended up. I too would be mortified if my kids smoked it.

I was one of three and we all had a smoke (weed). My eldest brother smoked regularly up to his death at 19, accident not smoking it was 6pm. My youngest brother did off an on for years. I did the last time at about 40ish...

As I said it was all over the village when our two were in their teens, and some boys did experiment, I suggest ours did at home and they were so angry, but I have no idea if Ben tried Sam is asthmatic very strong in his views and self worth and did not.

It would have made my OH furious as well but that would not have solved te problem or, if taken to the nth degree chucking him out might ruin the rest of his life. He has been honest enough to tell you the truth! well done yopu a lot of kids would lie to their parents.

Now what to do about it? Two things to think about, Suggest he brings some home and try it! Buy him a good book on the pitfalls of recreational drugs? try warning the other parents? trust him to find his way back to normality, most of us do? or go with the heavy hand and set the home rules you live here you dont do it. Suggesting that keeping him isnt cheap if he can afford to smoke weed he can afford to leave college and go to work, you'll keep him if he help's you out and this is important to you and your OH.

Pain in the bum kids arent they!! I always called Ben, Benjamin Bunny since he was tiny Beatrix Potter, this year for my birthday I got a card . Some Bunny Love's you, inside it said Benjamin Bunny loves you Mum.
Its in my glass case he's 6'5" 24 years old and he loves me!!! (gone all teary now!!) but at 18 I was told to eff off!! It does get better you know I promise! keep going you will win this is a passing phase.

> I speak as a 21 year old...
> >

It is good to read your view point..thanks

Hiya Luvhandles

Please don't be too worried.  Sounds like you've got a corker of a son to me.  If my bro had behaved like that to my Mum at 17 i think she would have fainted in disbelief. 

Sometimes we expect our kids to be perfect, forgetting that we aren't always perfect parents.  It is a different world now and stuff like he's doing is really a rite of passage, not a cause for panic.  I bet he'll ditch it in few months when he finds something else exciting to put his energy into.


If you both give a little i'm sure you'll get through this....the guy's talking to you, being honest with you, working, studying at college; like i said he sounds pretty good to me!

And try and stop your hubby from wading in with both feet...!!!!

luvhandles, your son has been open and honest with you which is very very commendable. Dont push him away by threatening or even actually kicking him out.  It could just be a phase that he needs to get over with it. If he smokes it to chill out what is it that is worrying or stressing him?? I think kicking him out the house would be a bad move that does more harm than good