there is a guy on my ward- im a nurse, whos name  i recognise from something that happened to me 30 years ago when i was 17. after gathering courage to go into the room ( i wasnt actually looking after him) i spoke to him for a good few minutes. he didnt appear to recognise me and there are things about him that are familiar. yes the guy i remember had a round face, yes he had little piggy eyes, yes he was bald, yes he had a bit of a lysp and funny front tooth. yes i remember this about him and it all fits but looking at him i still cant be sure its the same bloke! 30 years have past and obv he has aged and is now a wizened old man of 68 and obv ill too. i cant tell if its him. can anyone tell me if i am likely or liable to recognise a face i only saw at night for 3/4 hours, 30 years ago? i looked at him and just felt sorry for him! (after hating him in my mind for 30 years!) i didnt know who else to talk to?

I can't say if you would recognise him but obviously the fact that you can remember so much after 30 years means that it was a big event. I think you should talk face to face to someone you know and trust  {{{hugs}}}

Instinct is a fantastic resource and it's given us for a reason.  Spending 3/4 of an hour with somebody is bound to leave an imprint on our sense memories, smell, sight, voice etc.  Sometimes we need to trust our judgements.

sorry, it was 3 to 4 hours as far as i can remember

In that case you have even more reason to trust your judgement. 

At 17 you would have been a child, bones still growing and a lot of bodily maturing.  The changes in you would have been a lot greater than those in him.  At my nephews wedding not long ago, I found it practically impossible to recognise some of his friends who I'd last seen in their late teens but they knew who I was. 

Seems like you had a bad encounter 30..years ago.
There is a man who is now in his 90s, if he should come onto the ward I work on sometimes...I know I could NOT deal with him.
Suppose I too have been the same for the last 40+ years.
I feel for you and think you probably need to speak to somebody about this. It would not be good for you to care for him.
Karen

sorry some of you missread my post- hes 68 now, not 90! he was 38 at the time 30 years ago

You obviously had a bad experience with this person when you were a young girl and he was a mature man.

You do need to talk to somebody about this .....you may feel some compassion for him now, but did he show you any compassion all those years ago?

Please, find someone to talk to - maybe Samaritans?

However, I would say that you have obviously moved on from whatever bad place it was that he took yout to - you are now a really wonderful person in a caring profession - well done you!  {{{hugs}}}

Margot x

funny you should mention compassion, yes i think he did show compassion- to a degree, he didnt hurt me, infact he was strangely gentle and he didnt kill me either! i did feel thankful for those 2 things. sorry but i dont feel i could talk face to face with anyone. its easier here just to type to strangers i dont know! just writing it down is making me feel better.

Phone Samaritans - they have trained counsellors - and you don't have to meet anyone face to face, unless you want to!)

> Phone Samaritans - they have trained counsellors - and you don't have to meet anyone face to face, unless you want to!)

The samaritans don't have trained counsellors, they are trained listeners which is totally different to being a counsellor.  The role of the samaritan is to listen and not provide advice, information or counselling of any sort.

Sorry - I should have said they can put you in touch with trained counsellors who will work with you on the phone if you so wish.

Being gentle and not killing someone doesn't always necessarily mean showing compassion.  I don't know what this man did but it seems as though, at the very least, he placed you in a situation you didn't want to be placed in.  A compassionate person wouldn't have done that.  A compassionate person recognises another's feelings and acts accordingly.  It may well be that he didn't need to use violence or hurt you, but restricting another person's free will means there had to be a certain implied violence.

Please, you do need to speak to someone.  It's often easier to talk to strangers, we're not scared of hurting their feelings and it's easier to be honest about our feelings, but you must talk about it.  It's possible that what happened to you, happened to others in the past 30 years.

Speak to someone.. definitely... even on the phone it's anonymous and private.
The guy is there for medical care, and other than your feelings of compassion for him as a patient, do you actually feel comfortable treating him?
I don't know..
I forgave someone many years ago who was very familiar to me..my own father..so I do understand where you're coming from

this man exerted power over you thirty years ago and until you speak to someone trained in this area he will go on bringing up all sorts of emotions that are obviously distressing to you.you have survived for thirty years probably thinking that you had "got over it"and now by chance it has all come flooding back.take courage and talk to your a female doctor in your surgery.you're not alone.understanding and support is so much better nowadays than ever before.don't hold this in anymore you'll be ill and depressed.please speak to your doctor.i am thinking about you and wish you peace of mind.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

sorry poloaussie, its me that misread your post!  i suppose deep down i just want him to admit he knows who i am and apologise for what he did! i always had a fantasy of him one day being on my ward (sick and dying of course) and i would stand over him and tell him i know who he is and what he has done, just to see him shrinking in horror but in reality, maybe he doesnt even remember it? i think i may have been one of several. the worse thing about it all is that the police let him go 'not enough evidence' his word against mine so obv they took his word! i feel he got away scot free, thats what annoys me most, he was never punished. im worried that my mind is making me believe its him because he has the same name but even though so many things about him fit im still not sure its him! i always thought if i ever saw him again i would recognise him instantly but not so.

Tina,
If you work for the NHS or indeed most other large companies, there is often a free, confidential counciling service provided by your employer. If you cant find anything on your noticeboard at work, contact HR who will be able to put you in contact. Dont worry that folk at work will know, this service is offered to all employees and at the moment ( with the current financial situation ) the staff in HR will be getting a lot of requests.

Please speak to someone about your anxieties - get rid of your demons and free yourself of this.

Best wishes.

You must feel totally sick and in turmoil inside, the very fact that the man got away with what he did to yourself and possibly others is a great tragedy, today that may well be different. Did it actually go to court or did the police just decide not to prosecute?

Today you may well find things are treated differently.

With the same name and features that you describe it seems that he is likely to be the same man, is it worth you popping down to your local police station with a trusted friend/O/H and asking to speak to a WPC, (everything would be confidental) it may well be that other complaints have been made against this man over a long period, not that they would tell you, however they may feel it worth checking into his background, they are not likely to storm the hospital or even speak to him unless something shows up, he need never know. But if there are others you may well all be able to band together and get the justice you deserved.

Very importantly though the reason you need the police check and at the very least to speak to a councillor in the hospital is that you should not be treating this man in any way, I'm pretty sure it would be against any ethical code for you to be anywhere near him, I know you are fantasizing about talking to him and having him apoligise, (very unlikely) but you could loose your job, so don't do it.

I would however pluck up the courage to talk to the police, you need to do something otherwise you are leaving yourself in a black hole, i.e you did nothing, once he has left the hospital you will spend your life thinking you should have/could have, don't put yourself through that.

Tina, policing today is different from the policing of 30 years ago.

Have you thought that what this man put you through, he might also have put others through as well?  

Please talk to someone {{{hugs}}}

Margot x

trying to stick to the OPs original question rather than offer advise for something that none of us know what it is......can you not check in his records to see if any of it tallys uo? ie his address or relatives names or something? Something might help you confirm if this is the same person? Maybe a few subtle questions to see if anything slips about where he comes from or what he does etc? Seem that the most imortant thing here is whether this is the right person or some innocent stranger?!

Sam I would think that that is illegal unfortunately! 

Tina,

I too sometimes fantasize that a certain person would admit what he did and apologize to me too, but I know it is never going to happen.  However, I've come to terms with it and feel absolutely nothing toward this individual, not even anger or hate.   For me that's the best way to be towards him because it is stress free for me. 

I expect that the man is the person you think he is and even if he did recognize you it is highly unlikely he would apologize.  Not a great situation to have him on your ward and I suggest detachment is the best approach.  If you cannot, then talk to someone you trust about how you feel.   Above all, trust yourself.

it's bl***y typical that a criminal has had 30 years without pnishment for his crime.why should you bear this burden-you are the innocent one.you need to find out if this person is the one who hurt you and if that means telling the person in charge of the ward then i'm afraid it must be done.it will be totally confidential for you.you just can't go on with this burden on your shoulders.believe me you'll feel such relief when you get this off your chest.if it's him you won't be expected to go near him and if it's not him you can do your work without worry.if you do find that it is him you can have him properly investigated.it won't be the first time a conviction has been achieved after many years.i don't think it was a question that they didn't believe you,more that they didn't have the techniques and scientific help they have today.they probably did believe you but could not be sure to convict him then.if you decide to do nothing now and he goes home and disappears off the scene you will regret not knowing and not resolving this for the rest of your life.what advice would you give to anyone else about this?can you follow that advice and be free of more pain.

thanks for all your support. i had another look at him today as i made a point in handing out his lunch and im pretty sure its him. he does come from the same area but obv i cant remember his address. i also never asked what he did for a living. i suppose in my mind i picture him that night 30 years ago but only vaguely as other peoples faces in my memory get in the way. if i could only see a pic of him 30 years ago then i reckon i would remember no problem. its hard to see an old sick man and imagine how he looked years ago. as far as police go, no it didnt go to court, they arrested him and interrogated him for 6 hours i think but let him go as they had no evidence. as i said before, its his word against mine no witnesses obv. i doubt they would even have a record of it as i think they only keep them for 10 years and what could i get on him now? i suppose they closed the file so i cant go back 30 years later and reopen it, even if he did it to other people, they wouldnt tell me. i bet if i asked him he wouldnt even remember it! or would pretend not to and i cant do that. im not back on the ward till thurs so he will probably have gone home by then although a record of his address is kept. as far as work goes, i made sure i worked in another room so didnt actually care for him but i couldnt help going in cos i wanted to see if it was him.
i will try not to dwell on it now, there is no point. i remember the police (30 years ago) asking me if i would be happy if he got locked up for 6 or 7 years and i said yes but in the back of my mind i remember thinking, oh well, it was only a quick in and out, what harm did it really do? and even then i was feeling sorry for him! im sure police wouldnt say that to me today and some bitchy police woman said as i was leaving the station, 'you are lucky your not dead in a ditch somewhere' and i wanted to say- how can you say that when you dont believe me anyway? but i couldnt say it! even then i was a total wimp. that was obv how he overpowered me. i did what he said out of fear and that was a horrible feeling but he even dropped me at home after and asked if he could see me again! i wasnt even going to report it but my parents knew something was up so i told them. i didnt even think it was rape at first because i always pictured it as having all your clothes ripped off and being assaulted. but the police said there are 3 types of rape, rape by fear by force or by blackmail. i still feel it was my fault a) for getting in his car and b) for being a wimp and not trying to fight. oh well, i feel better having said all that. thanks

Tina the first thing to remember is :-

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT - IT NEVER WAS YOUR FAULT -IT WAS THE FAULT OF THE 30 YR OLD MAN WHO TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A TEENAGER!

Seeing the perpetrator again has brought it back to the forefront of your memory - and it may well be worth talking to the police again - if he did this to you, he probably did it to other young girls.   Don't forget - DNA testing has come an awful long way in the past 30 years, and there should still be some record somewhere of your complaint.

But you were never to blame!

Please think long and hard about your decision not to speak to the police.  As has been said, forensic evidence has come along way in 30 years - he should be swabbed and his DNA run through the database.  A 36 year old man does not pick up a 17 year old girl in his car and force them to have sex by mistake, they do it with intent.  And he will have done it again and under different circumstances could have used violence. 

I hope I don't sound totally unsympathic to your plight, it must be possibly one of the most difficult couple of days of your life, but you were brave once before and I think you can be brave again.

for all i know he may have been caught for doing it to someone else and done some time! i just dont think the police could do anything and as i said before, what reason would they have to investigate him? perhaps i should have said before, he admitted having sex with me but obv he said i consented so DNA wouldnt matter!

I suppose what worries me is, what if he has carried on attacking women (highly likely) and the situation has escalated - hurting someone, seriously.  What if, as we know happens, during the dark ages of police work, things weren't cross referenced and maybe having left a trail of destruction behind him, he's managed to go under the radar?  That he's continued and never been caught.  At any one time there must be 100's of 1000's unsolved sex crimes just waiting for the right DNA match.  Maybe he's wanted for other attacks right now, maybe in different parts the country, maybe he's still targetting 17 year girls. 

I just think you should, at least, think seriously about speaking to the police.

tina,you are not responsible for being a trusting 17year old who was deliberately targeted by a 30 year old man intent on forcing sex on you.how could you be.rape is a particularly heinous crime.he is a heinous criminal.you very likely were not the first victim and maybe not the last.you had the bravery to go to the police and very sadly the prosecution didn't take place.whether he's 68,38 or 98 makes no difference,he abused you and affected the rest of your life from that moment.he's not an old man by any means and he's had thirty years of living his horrible existence without being punished.personally in my view there is no punishment enough to pay for rape.if you decide not to report it,that's one thing though i think he should be,but i urge you to talk to a doctor,say at a well woman clinic.honestly understanding of what you went through and are still going through is so advanced now from how it used to be.there's no reason to feel sorry for him,that's making yourself responsible for his feelings.he is solely to blame for what he did and for the aftermath.are your parents still alive?do you have a close friend you can confide in?perhaps you could take someone to the doctors with you to support you.i hope so.

hi tina, first of all i'm sorry for whatever happened to you.

if you are fairly sure its him you could go back to the police if you wanted. there are any number of cases now being procecuted because of technological advances.

on the other hand eye witness testimony is notoriously unreliable. you were probably in a state of shock at the time and may not have been processing clearly. my instinct would be to try and pursue some justice but thats in the abstract and i could understand if after all this time you wanted to just move on. this all depends on how you are feeling in yourself.

best of luck with whatever you decide.

thinking of you.

I just wanted to say huge ((((HUGS)))) to you for staying strong through all of this- and very sad that he got away with what he did and I feel sorry for the other girls there may be that were hurt the same way you are now- and sadly many of them may not be dealing with it as good as you are... You really should talk to a councelor cause you seem to still blame yourself and really you shouldn't- your not that lil girl anymore and you deserve to give yourself that freedom and have your life back and talking to someone about this that can offer help would be a great major step so this will not haunt you anymore and you can hopefully put it all behind you.

If he is still there can you not tell someone that you would rather not deal with this man because of private issues which you do not feel you could give him 100% of quality care because of past issues that you would rather not talk about.

(((hugs)))