I have entered the club champ show and now we have been invited to OH's grandaughters Christening on the same day.....what a dilema , OH is appalled that I would much rather go to the show and he will be going to the Christening as his daughter would be furious if he put the dogs before her baby!! We got together 3 years ago and have our own grown up family's which is why I don't actually feel guilty about it as it's not my family...lol. He wouldn't have to go alone as we would have to take his 17 year old son along , so I can't see the problem...or am I being unreasonable?? What do others think?

> OH is appalled that I would much rather go to the show

If that's how he feels then by going to the show you're also putting the dog show before him ....

It's a very personal choice of course depending on our individual relationships but much as my dogs and hobby come before a huge number of things they don't come before my husband and daughter (but don't tell them I said that ;) )

If it was MY graddaughter's christening I would go above any show. If it was my HUSBAND's granddaughters christening I'd go to the show. Apart from anything else it's always awkward to have family gatherings with both ex wife and current wife there -we just don't do it. And it's really the ex wife's day, along with your husband's and the daughter's.

Thank you for that viewpoint , it's exactly how I feel , it's not my family after all and like you say these gatherings can be very awkward.

Can a friend handle the dogs for you while you go to the Christening?

I think this is a really difficult situation and although i'd rather go to a dog show, i think it's only fare to go to the christening with your OH especially if he wants you to go. Don't suppose you'd be too popular with his family if you didn't make the effort.
Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to and hate every minute of it but it's not worth the chance of upsetting everyone. i know their not your family but will your OH be really upset if you don't come? only you know the answer to that. Maybe look at it the other way round and ask yourself how you'd feel if he didn't come to something you wanted him to come to.
Shame you can't do both but good luck hope you manage to do what you want.   

> OH is appalled that I would much rather go to the show and he will be going to the Christening as his daughter would be furious if he put the dogs before her baby!!

understandibly... this is a huge family day and that has to come first.

>am I being unreasonable?? What do others think?

How many club Champ shows are there, compared to the number of times a baby gets Christened? Only if there will never, ever be another champ show would there even be a contest.

Sedona have you asked your OH how his ex would feel about you being there? And his daughter herself? Is it THEM that want you present, or your OH? I can almost guarantee my OH's ex would be far happier just having the original family there if we had the same situation. Likewise if it was my daughter's baby's christening I would NOT particularly want my ex's new partner there. I wouldn't stop her but it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like an intrusion. I think it's a situation that really can only be understood by those in the same situation, i.e. re-married with an extended family like this.

I would definitely go to the show. A whole days entertainment with like minded people and dogs or a bunch of overdressed people and a screaming sprog who gets dunked.

> or a bunch of overdressed people and a screaming sprog who gets dunked.

I doubt any of the baby's family or the official performing this religious ceremony would appreciate that analogy!  Perhaps best the OP think of a different excuse should she decide not to attend.

I agree my husband's granddaughters christening I was sooo absent I just dont do stuff that just causes problems. When his daughter got married I was there but they were on the top table and my son's and I behind a pillar!!! I left as soon as politely possible.

Sorry I would have to go to the christening but do know of someone who went to a show rather than their grandchilds christening, I just couldn't do that!

The whole point is we are NOT talking about the OP's grandchild -we're talking about a baby not related at all.

> a screaming sprog who gets dunked.

oh and here's me thinking it was a religious ceremony to welcome one into the family of God....
I think that comment is extremely insulting.

As for dog show vs. christening, I'd consider others feelings very carefully.  Although the family are not your family directly, they are your partner of 3 years family, and his feelings would be something I personally would consider before my dogs (, but that's just my opinion
:-)

I think what we should be doing is talking about the OP's husband - if he wishes her to go then she should.  Unless there is the possibility of friction between other family members, then it has to be carefully explained to the husband.  If it were put like "I don't think I should go" instead of "I don't want to go" then the husband will not feel so bad.

Precisely my point GCG, the person the OP should be talking to is her partner/husband I feel.

Granitecitygirl this is my point -it may not be that the husband has the same wishes as his ex wife and daughter. Certainly in my family we have had to make all sorts of arrangements to make sure new and old partners don't feel bad by the wrong people appearing on festive occasions.

Exactly :-)

This seems to me to be one of those situations where the OP may well be interested in other opinions but ultimately only she herself can determine what is the best thing to do given the intimate knowledge of likely feelings for all those concerned.

It is cut and dried from my POV that she should attend for her partner's sake as, from her post, I gather he wants her to be there but then it seems equally cut and dried from others' with opposing opinions and very different family ties to my own that she may be an unwelcome guest to some  :)

All any of us can do is advise what we personally feel appropriate withinin our specific family set ups and hope that whichever route the OP decides to follow it is the one which ultimately her partner feels best able to support, rather than any members of the extended family.

It has the potential to be a sticky situation - fortunately my family have no ex's but they are bad enough on their own tbh (family skeletons and all that).  The way it came accross in from the OP (and I apologise if I took it wrong) was like "it's not my family why should I care".  Certainly it needs to be discussed in simple terms with the OH and his mind put at rest - my OH would take it as a great insult, I have great difficult explaining things tactfully to him and the OP may be in a similar situation.  Mind you, tact isn't exactly my middle name either :-)

You'd need to weigh up which is the 'lesser of the two evils' so to speak:

AYour partner thinking your dog comes before him and his new baby grandchild

or

B You missing the club champ show

Unfortunately what you'd rather do in this circumstance is rather irrelevant. Harsh, but true.

Personally I would go to the Christening, it is only one potentially uncomfortable day out of your life to please your partner and not give his family any 'ammo' against him or you. He may not be going alone as he'll have his Son with him, but it may be quite embarrasing for him to arrive without you and may also raise some uncomfortable questions for him.

All any of us can do is advise what we personally feel appropriate withinin our specific family set ups and hope that whichever route the OP decides to follow it is the one which ultimately her partner feels best able to support, rather than any members of the extended family.

Have to respectfully disagree because men aren't always as clued up to other people's feelings. :) Simple example: my ex feels it is perfectly fine for him to invite my mother (so his EX mother in law) to spend Christmas Day with him and my kids this year. However his new girlfriend now lives with him and both I, my mum and my new husband all feel that it would be very unfair on the new GF to have the EX MIL spend Christmas with them -especially without even being asked about it. I can just imagine how I'd feel if my husband arranged for his ex MIL to sped Christmas with us and didn't even ask me first. Which is why, in this case, the ex wife and above all the DAUGHTER need to be able to say what they would prefer. It's the daughter's special day, not the father's.

> Have to respectfully disagree

Ach, no worries Marianne - it's not our problem thankfully :) We can but guess what's going on (or not) behind the scenesl.   At least the OP has plenty of food for thought!

[url=]OH is appalled that I would much rather go to the show and he will be going to the Christening[/url]

And to be honest, I would not blame him

There are always other shows, but only one babies christening....  sometimes we have to do things in life we would rather not..and I think this might be one of them

Its really diffecult my OH's youngest is lovely to me and mine and we attended hr daughters christening and it was lovely. My OH's eldest has always made me feel like the other wife ect.. its 18 years down the line now but i cant support her as I dont like her or her me. Her behaviour towards my MIL was awful no xmas cards no birthday cards my MIL did not see her Great granddaughters. My OH never ever says a word in case she shuts him out of his granddaughters.
There is no way I would allow my children to act that way, but it is his daughter and I keep away or else (tact not being my middle name) I'd tell her what a cow she is and ruin it for ever, and even I know what grief that would cause my husband.

Step families are ok until you get to these formal occasions how would you feel when you see your OH sat next to his x doing all the family bits "our daughter this our daughter that", its much easier for him and her when i am not there. In another life I think Sarah and I would have been friends.

Actually as a non believer I did have my son's baptised as I felt that when they got old enough they would decide for themselves what to believe in, I also took them to sunday school until they did not wish to attend. I would not mock anyones beliefs I just dont want it shoved down my throat. I dont blasphem intentionally just because it means ziltch to me, but I am sorry if I upset people. But yes I do feel its good for children to have a religious grounding, it has not done me any harm, it also hasnt done me any good either.

But Ex's can be a real pain as you spend a  lot of time walking around them and trying to keep your mouth shut!! My OH respects my views which is something else not discussed yet. If the OH knows his wife or partners view's prehaps its not fair to disregard those views just to make the right impression?
Diffecult one, but me I stay at home with the dogs and have a great walk, watch tv and cook a nice tea for when his duty visit is over, whatever it is.

Thanks to all for the replies...certainly has given me plenty to think about. I suppose I already know that the "right" thing to do is attend the Christening with OH ! However there is of course so much more going on and a couple of people (MarianneB and Whistler) clearly understand my dilemma what with the ex and step children etc....and they are right it is their day and not really anything to do with me, I have only been invited as again that is the right thing for them to do. Also they all dislike dogs and will spend all day stating this and telling me how they'll never understand why anyone would want to have dogs in the HOUSE !!!

This may not be relevent if your partner is "into dogs" as much as you but if not a day spent with anti dog people may have a negative effect. If he goes to dog shows "just for you" as some do it may cause problems. Living with a husband that has "gone off" dogs is heartbreaking and creates so many arguments. I would take this into account when deciding ,as if you love your hobby ,it may be worth the attending the christening  for a quiet life.

you really are treading on dangerous ground.surely if you love someone you care about their family too.this is very important to him and as already remarked there are plenty of other shows to look forward to but that baby will only have one christening.your partner must be dreading having to explain your absence as well as missing you being with him.going with his son no way makes up for not going with you.you should feel happy to have been invited.i expect you would like to be with him for many years,but you are setting yourself up to be resented and never invited to anything else.you'll be glad you went and he'll be thrilled.x

Totally agree with poppity. When you marry/form a partnership with someone you're also automatically part of their family (it's the price you pay for loving someone!). So his grandchild is your grandchild too.

It is her partners grandchild after all said and done and presume she has been invited or she wouldn't be asking.  Sorry, but my feelings are that if you are with someone then their family as a whole is now yours, hey we might not like some of them but it's only a once in a life thing, breed club shows happen every year and dependant on breed more than once in a year.

> Also they all dislike dogs and will spend all day stating this and telling me how they'll never understand why anyone would want to have dogs in the HOUSE !!!

now that sounds like a wind up-don't rise to it.x

Well, if you choose to go to the Breed Champ Show (which is an annual event) and forgo the Christening (which is a once in a lifetime event) you will give ammunition to the "anti-dog" brigade who think that dog lovers do not care a fig for anything/one other than dogs.   And you will put your (fairly new) OH in the unenviable position of having to defend you, his chosen partner, to his (long time) daughter and his ex-wife.

IMO, you will be putting your relationship in a precarious balance - and I know that were I in your position, I would smile sweetly, say "oh there's always next year", and enjoy the start of a relationship with a new grandchild ....who could, in time, become a junior handler - if you handle your cards right!

>I would smile sweetly, say "oh there's always next year", and enjoy the start of a relationship with a new grandchild

Just think of the brownie points to be earned by willingly, and with not the slightest sign of regret, putting the child's special day paramount!

When you marry/form a partnership with someone you're also automatically part of their family (it's the price you pay for loving someone!)

No you're not. I'm not part of my husbands ex wife's family but my husband's children are, nor am I a part of my ex husband's girlfriend's family -but my own children could be considered to be etc. It's far more complicated than this. If we followed your logic I should attend functions to do with my husband's ex wife's new child -because that child is the half sibling of my husband's children.

Final attempt at explaining before I go to bed. :) Take JG as an example. :) Say that I met JG's husband and he decided to leave JG for me. JG is not happy, understandably. 3 years later JG's son is the proud father of a newborn baby and there is going to be a christening. Would JG be happy to see ME there alongside her ex husband, just because the ex husband wanted to bring his new girlfriend? Would the new father be happy to see his mother's upset at his father's actions, spoiling the big day?

It is possible Marianne :-).  My ex brother in law attended my niece's wedding with his second wife.  It all went very well and everyone was perfectly civil, concentrating on enjoying the lovely occasion. I do think the OP should attend.  If you have been invited you have to assume the hosts want your company and I do believe marriage does bring you fully into a family "For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people etc, etc :-)

>Would JG be happy to see ME there alongside her ex husband, just because the ex husband wanted to bring his new girlfriend?

Probably not ecstatic, but not nearly as mortally offended as I'd be if I thought you didn't think my son's baby's Christening important enough to attend! If you take my husband ;-) you take the rest of us too (his mum, his brothers and their families, and also, by default, his brothers-in-law (my brothers) and their families, his mother-in-law (my mother) - the whole clan)! People are package deals, not a single item.

JMHO but having only ever known step families, both myself and hubby, I believe I am lucky as we adore each other and have a very communicative relationship but I would never force him to do something which involved all my ex's family and vice versa...

All situations are different but we actually we wish our step-parents would butt-out sometimes and let us have a bit of time together occasionally as they are never not there...

How does the extended family feel, surely they are important?  If there is obviously a strained relationship between you and the parents of the grandchild, why doesn't your husband ask what they'd honestly prefer? 

You never know, they may come back to you and say they are fine about you not being there and you get to go to the show.

I would go if my husband and the family wanted me to go but I personally would try and find out (through) your hubby if they actually do want you there... At the end of the day, they were hardly ever going to leave you off the invite were they?!

JMHO, Kay

There are step-families within my family too, and to snub a stepchild by not attending their child's Christening would be considered rude in the extreme. You could accept and then 'be ill' and stay at home if you felt awkward about attending, but you certainly couldn't refuse the invitation, nor (even worse) could you attend some other function instead,

I do think the OP should attend.  If you have been invited you have to assume the hosts want your company and I do believe marriage does bring you fully into a family "For wherever you go, I will go;

I'm possibly clouding things by experience, but does the OP know for SURE that SHE has been invited and not just the husband? I will never forget the wedding I went to with my ex boyfriend, it was his daughter's wedding. I had asked again and again if he was sure that I was invited as well as him, he said yes. So we went, and NOBODY expected me. There was not even a place setting, and they ended up shoving me and the father of the bride on a small table away from the rest of the family as I clearly wasn't wanted there. Then for the family photos they refused to have the dad in them. With hindsight I realised I had just been a pawn, my BF wanted me there to show his wife that "Look, you might have divorced me but I found a girlfriend YOUNGER than you!"

When you marry/form a partnership with someone you're also automatically part of their family (it's the price you pay for loving someone!). So his grandchild is your grandchild too.

Never heard something so ridiculous, the world is full of families that don't get on or see each other, their own choice usually, and very happy it often makes them :-)

>the world is full of families that don't get on or see each other,

Nobody said every family gets on, but they're still family, even if you never have any contact with them for the rest of your life!

> When you marry/form a partnership with someone you're also automatically part of their family (it's the price you pay for loving someone!). So his grandchild is your grandchild too.

I beg to differ on this one JG.  My FIL's partner - known as Cruella (although not by her!) - will never be my daughter's grandparent.  IMO she is not our family and never will be.  However, if we had a family function she'd be there with bells on, she's far too clever (or conniving) not to be.  That said, my husband's mum died before we were married, so she's not around to be upset whether Cruella attends family events or not.

Back to the OP though, I guess you just need to discuss with your OH if he would like you to go with him.

> My FIL's partner

That sounds like they are not married.  Not sure if the OP is married to her OH but I do feel being married carries greater obligations and ties (along with the benefits :-)) that perhaps you can be excused if you have not made that commitment.

Fortunately Isabel they're not married, but she lives in his house and her and her family take all they can.  It always surprises me that my FIL puts up with this, but there you go.

Just a small observation: life is short and family feuds are long...speaking as one who went for the dogs and happily took the consequences!

If you entered the show before any mention of dates for the Christening were made then i don't think you should feel obliged to go .

Hmm interesting, been reading this through and pondering whether to post or not. We have family feuds going on, part of it is to do with me and my mum(haven't spoken to her in 8yrs, my choice). Anyway i wouldn't go anywhere where she is and if that means someone is upset about it then so be it. Though i think most family members are aware of this and many aren't talking to her either..

BUT saying that i went to a dog show on my father's birthday, luckily i got home just in time for a quick shower before we all headed out for dinner(very nearly missed that). I seem to be putting dogs, training and showing before my family, they understand to a certain extent, but not sure they would for a christening.

Again this is a toughy, it does all depend if with the OP being there is going to cause problems with the her OH's ex and that side of the family. If there is going to be no issue, i would say that in order not to rock the boat i would feel i had to attend, even though i know i wouldn't want to and would want to be at the dog show.
I'm not religious and i don't like being in churches, even for weddings. The best i can do is a budhist centre.

At the end of the day the OP has to weigh up with how people are going to feel if she is there or not and what the consequences of being there or not is going to be.. What are you more likely to loose by going or not going?
If you don't go will anyone handle your dog for you??

Is there any way you could ask 'the family' if they would be offended if you didn't attend or whether they would really prefer to make it immediate family only. That way you would know the situation from their mside and then can discuss with your partner.
I don't have children and have been married to the same man for 33 years so I will never have this problem, however, I do not get on with my husbands family. try as I might to be friendly and assure them that I wasn't taking their precious son off them, I eventually after 15 years stopped trying. My husband knew how much I tried and actually all they ended up doing was making him feel uncomfortable and alienated from them. Therefore on the very brief occasions of family 'dos' I don't attend and my husband just makes a  brief appearance. If there has been any animosity in the family then if better for you to not attend then why shouldn't you go to the Champ show. However, if this isn't the case then I suppose it would be more prudent to attend the Christening and try to get someone else to handle you dogs for you.