I have been seeing my man for over 3 years now and have still not met his parents. This is my choice as i dont really want to as im in a relationship with him not his family. Also i would find it difficult when they ask questions as parents tend to do about family as i havent seen mine for 15 yrs.
I really dont feel its necassary for me to meet them in the slightest but he keeps asking and asking now like on a daily basis. What do you think?

Sorry, but after 3 years I think that if it's important to him, then yes you should really. I'm sure he could cover off the fact that you're not happy to talk about your family as there have been issues there before you meet them.

Why not arrange a meal somewhere in a pub, so there's only a couple of hours to be taken into account, and take it slowly?

M.

His family are a part of him, surely? If my son's girlfriend refused to meet us I'd be very doubtful about her.

Its not so much im refusing to meet them, i have nothing against them i just think think that my relationship is with him not them.
I just dont get the parent thing ive never had that connection so dont understand it.
He rings them or they ring him a few times a week??? why??
i just dont get it.

>He rings them or they ring him a few times a week??? why??

Because he loves them and they love him.

I'm assuming you talk to him? Why should they not want to as well?

Mahonc, you need to let them see that you are the right person for him.  It is just to give them and him the reasurance they need.  Truly, I understand what you are trying to say.  They will be pleased when they know how strongly you feel for your man.
As an aside, my brother once went out with a girl (we shall call her the Psycho B*tch From Hell) who because she was alienated from her family (they kicked her out) did everything possible to alienate him from us.  If I were your man's family then it is one of the things that would worry me, just because I have seen an extreme case of it.  I am not fussed about seeing my OH's family but I like to please him - and it pleases him knowing I am with him.

I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to meet them? I would have thought you'd want to meet them even more so if you don't see yours.  I see Rich's family as an extension of my own & can't imagine what they'd think of me if I refused to meet them.  I can understand not wanting to meet them when the relationship is new but after 3 years??? sorry it seems a little odd to me.

Also about speaking to his family & vice versa, you speak to people because you love & care for them - not just family but friends too.  It's nice to share thoughts, exciting developments about your life with the people you care about.

I think you need to think about the long term implications this may have on your relationship, especially if you think you may marry at some point - how uncomfortable would it be if that was the first time you met his family?! I think you need to stop being so selfish & at least meet his family, especially if it means a lot to him.  That's what relationships are all about.

Sorry if that comes across harsh but I'm struggling to see your reasoning.

because hes a grown man i dont understand why he needs to ring them or him so much.
I have never had that connection to begin to understand it and dont get me wrong if he wants to do that thats up to him but i dont understand (and his is why im asking) why its necassary.
He wants to move in with me when he is based in the north west and thats fine however i dont want them at my house all the time and if anything goes wrong with his house he rings them for advice well for me that is just not going to happen when he is living with me.
I dont want him ringing his parents saying such and such is wrong with the house, i would rather sort it myself.
Now i know this sounds harsh but i was thrown out at 14 and slept on different sofas etc.. and have worked and done everything for myself first mortgage and that and have never needed anyone else so i will find it hard if not near impossible to do so when he moves in.

Do find your attitude a little odd, it is, of course, ok to be different but your partners parents and relatives are part of him and if you care for him you would surely wish to meet those he holds close. Most of us can't wait to show our partners to our relatives, so yes I would not say you are wrong or awkward but defiantly not behaving in the way most of us would wish to do and perhaps not giving consideration to his wishes.

When you have children, naturally they will grow up and leave home and form their own relationships, but you are still family would tend to want to keep in touch with your children! Also it is nice to meet the new important people in their lives and get to know them as well.  I think for most people their relationship with their parents is still very important whatever age they are, and parents like to meet their children's new partners to know they are happy too. 

I dont want him ringing his parents saying such and such is wrong with the house, i would rather sort it myself.
Now i know this sounds harsh but i was thrown out at 14 and slept on different sofas etc.. and have worked and done everything for myself first mortgage and that and have never needed anyone else so i will find it hard if not near impossible to do so when he moves in.

I have this same problem, HOWEVER, it is getting better as I am communicating my distress to him.  My OH is only 25 and an only child so understandably his mother is quite, er, possessive of her son and heir (heir being the operative word here, nudge nudge wink wink).  It's part of building the relationship I think and after a year of living together, 4.5 years going out, we are finally starting to get somewhere.  He is finally beginning to see me as a wife and mother of his children.  Incidentally, his mum still phones him everyday but before I get home from work so it doesn't bother me so much, it's not on "my time" so to speak.  But truly, I understand how important it is for us to keep our independance once we get it.

You are part of your OH's life and noone will doubt or question that but you do have to realise that he also has a relationship with his family (whether you have one with your own family is immaterial really) and by virtue of your relationship to him you are connected to his family (immediate and distant as well as friends).

I have to admit that I would be extremely hurt if my husband didn't want to meet my parents or family when we got together.  I speak to my parents several times a week and also his mum and partner at least once a week.  Like JG I too would have concerns I'm afraid if one of my children wouldn't introduce me or be introduced to their partners :)  Families are a support network, you don't have to keep them updated with all your personal going ons but even the most independent person needs an avenue to call upon every once in a while :)

> I have this same problem, HOWEVER, it is getting better as I am communicating my distress to him

So how did you get over the problem then? did you meet them then talk over the dont mean to sound funny but cant think of another way to put it "ground rules??" of the parents

>because hes a grown man

Yes - he's a grown man who loves his family and has a good relationship with them. Why should he have to destroy that? My husband loves his mother (his father died before he was born) still, and she's an important part of his life, even now that she's 90 years old! I don't get on particularly well with her, but we're always civil because anything else would distress the person we both love!

Think about it - you all love the man, so that's fantastic common ground!

> Yes - he's a grown man who loves his family and has a good relationship with them. Why should he have to destroy that?

im not in the slightest i think you have got what im saying wrong.
i just dont understand it

I don't see why you can't take things a step at a time and tackle any problems if they arise. Maybe his parents will not come round or phone all the time, just because you meet them occasionally. Maybe they will be perfectly tactful and not smother you with calls and visits, and maybe you will actually quite like them?! Perhaps you are expecting problems that may never happen? Just a thought. 

>i just dont understand it

That's terribly, terribly sad.

You love him, don't you? You enjoy sharing your thoughts with him, and vice versa? So do his parents. There's no difference, other than that they've known him a heck of a lot longer than you have! ;-)

Perhaps you are being trying to protect yourself as it looks like from what you have said being rejected by your own parents when you were 14 and so you don't want to be rejected again ? You might be surprised and you may find they are very nice people and will in some way make up for the lack of love you have failed to get from your parents !

> That's terribly, terribly sad.

well perhaps to you but thats just me. i cant unfortunately change over night i have been made like i am by past experiences as everyone has.
I'm not asking him not to see them im just questioning why i do thats all.
Ok if (and i know at one oint i will have to) decide to meet them then i dont want to see them often as i know i dont surely they will take that even more of an insult.
i have lots of friends but only 2 that i trust with my life. i make friends very easy but hold them at arms length fo a very long time as i find most people dont care two hoots about hurting you

> Perhaps you are being trying to protect yourself as it looks like from what you have said being rejected by your own parents when you were 14 and so you don't want to be rejected again ?

perhaps you are very right as i just cried when i read that. ha ha :( :)

>i cant unfortunately change over night i have been made like i am by past experiences as everyone has.

There's your answer. Your unusual experiences (let's face it, not many children are thrown out of home at 14) have made you see Life in an unusual way. Once you recognise that then you'll accept that it's not the way that most people (the ones who have a good relationship with their families) view it, and I hope you'll be able to let a little more love into your life.

When my husband's father was alive he called him every day.  I don't understand that either because most of the time the conversation was about nothing.  My husband's daughters only call him once in a while and he does not understand how they can be so involved in their own lives they don't give him a thought.   One daughter is worse than the other in terms of lack of contact - and she's the one that has the least excuse.   I think there is some middle ground once someone is an adult. However, if there is one parent who is alone than daily contact with a grown child quite literally may be the only conversation they have in a day.  Not the situation in your case, but it is for many.

If your boyfriend is close to and respects his parents, as he clearly does, asking them for advice is a good thing.  Just as he might ask his mates or work collegues for advice about some things - in addition to you.   IMO the only problem would be if he only follows his parent's advice; or is uncomfortable forming his own opinion until he speaks to them.  Asking for advice in itself is not a problem.

Are you being awkward?  Yes :-)  Meet his parents, they are most likely lovely people.  If they are not - that's a data point for you in terms on continuing with your relationship.  

So how did you get over the problem then? did you meet them then talk over the dont mean to sound funny but cant think of another way to put it "ground rules??" of the parents

I haven't spoken to his family - that's up to him to let them know he is a big boy lol!  What I have said to him though is that this is OUR house, WE will sort out the problems, WE will pick the doormats (his mother replaced the doormats I bought - don't even go there).  I think that you are understandably afraid that you will end up going through what I am going through - please don't be.  OH's family call him Little Lord Fauntleroy for a reason and I am sure you will have a completely different experience.  One thing I was adamant of though was that he would not move into my flat (my rules), I would not move into his flat (his rules) we would get a new place (new beginning new rules) - but I still kept my flat and rented it out "just in case" - ever the optimist lol.  TBH I let his family take over in many cases because I did not speak up, I am quite sure you will be fine so long as his family understand where you are coming from.  But, you will never know what type of people they are until you meet them! 
(Hope I've not put you off?  My soon-to-be in-laws are one-of-a-kind thank goodness and do love me very much, and I love them)

> I really dont feel its necassary for me to meet them in the slightest but he keeps asking and asking now like on a daily basis. What do you think?

i think if you love him and its important to him then you should try. your in a relationship with him yes but they are a big part of him. you never know, you might adore them and feel your life is enriched for having them in it! i adore Val (bf's mum) and she seems pretty keen on me.

i wouldn't feel ackward about your family, ask him to tell them you don;t want to talk about them, or should the subject come up just say your not really in touch then change the subject-though few people the first time they meet someone would be rude enought to quiz you on why! this is a similar situation to my bfs family-he's very close to his mum but has not spoken to the rest of his family in about a decade, its his choice that he made for good reasons and he doesn't care who knows it.

perhaps you are very right as i just cried when i read that

Well you have your answer go and talk to your OH about how you really feel !

> He rings them or they ring him a few times a week??? why??
> i just dont get it.

because they like to talk to each other. do you talk to him or your friends a few times a week?

>> Perhaps you are being trying to protect yourself as it looks like from what you have said being rejected by your own parents when you were 14 and so you don't want to be rejected again ?
> perhaps you are very right as i just cried when i read that. ha ha :-( :-)

i think that might be about right.

mahonc all you can do is try it. worst case senario is your uncomfortable and you make excuses to avoid them, thats by far not the worst in law relationship in the world. best case senario you really like them and enjoy having new, truely reliable people in your life.

i mention reliable because thats what most family are, there to be counted on when the proverbial hits the fan.

> Perhaps you are being trying to protect yourself as it looks like from what you have said being rejected by your own parents when you were 14 and so you don't want to be rejected again ?

perhaps you are very right as i just cried when i read that. ha ha

Mahonc, I'm getting you, I really am.  We close parts of ourselves off when we go through such emotional turmoil at such a young age.  And it is such a trial getting that part of you to live again :-(  Best wishes to you both (and the danes, love danes)! You are not alone, and truly, take the chance on the family :-) The love of a good man is worth it.

>One thing I was adamant of though was that he would not move into my flat (my rules), I would not move into his flat (his rules) we would get a new place (new beginning new rules)

That seems a sensible approach; neither partner feels that they're trespassing on territory - not much more than a guest or lodger.

>One thing I was adamant of though was that he would not move into my flat (my rules), I would not move into his flat (his rules) we would get a new place (new beginning new rules)

That seems a sensible approach; neither partner feels that they're trespassing on territory - not much more than a guest or lodger.

Precisely!  I know what I'm like and I'm worse than my dogs when it comes to my things lol! (I'm not at the pee-ing on everything I see as mine though, just so you all know).

Incidentally I put off my OH meeting my family :-)  I didn't want to put him off me lol!!!

Mahonc, if you take anything from this long and varied thread, please let it be that it is understandable not to understand the closeness and sometimes intensities of families :-)

He rings them or they ring him a few times a week??? why??

Let's put it like this then: If you sold a litter of puppies, would you never want to hear from the new owners again? It's the same thing in many ways as keeping in touch with family. :)

i was adopted and not really wanted by my adoptive parents then thrown out and put in care then rejected by my birth mother again..
i have not had a conventional childhood..and now am with Dave who has a large family and i am so pleased to finally be part of one..i have gained a mum and dad and brothers and loads of nieces and nephews..i dont understand the need to be in each others pockets but i am learning 
i love it
try it and you might just like it yourself
you are never too old to be loved and wanted.....you just have to open the door to a new and better future
good luck

Mahonc, I feel very sorry that you have not experienced a good family life in the past, but can't you see that this is the chance to become part of a loving family?  I am sure that your OH would like you to all get on well together, maybe you would 'get it' if you gave it a try......you might even like it!!  :) A successful relationship has to be 'give and take'.

>(I'm not at the pee-ing on everything I see as mine though, just so you all know).

Phew! :-)

You appear to love your partner.............. part of the reason he is what you love is the family that shaped him into what he is and that he is part of,.......at least give them a chance.
Chris

For those of us who have a loving relationship with our children they will never stop being our children whether they are 5 or 55 :-). My parents treat me as an adult but I am still their daughter, and love and care about me as they did when I was a child, even though I left home 35 years ago.

My son married three years ago and my daughter is moving out this summer but I am still a part of their lives, although in a different manner from when they were small children, and we keep in touch and care about what is happening in each other's lives. Your OH sounds as though he comes from a loving, caring background and thus will always care about his parents as they will care for him. As your home background was very different from his this might not seem a natural thing to you. Loving somebody involves loving the whole package and learning to live with those areas that you find less likeable :-) You can love somebody without liking all the things they do. It may be that your OH is also worrying how he is going to cope with the situation of moving in with some one who has no positive experiences of family life.

In my experience, a man who has a loving, respectful relationship with his Mum; shows love and respect to his wife/partner.

Hi mahonc ,maybe you feel this way is because youve never felt close to your family? ,so there for it will be hard for you to understan , im very close to my family and for awhile my hubby couldnt understand it as hes not so close with his ...it coursed us so many problems but at the end of the day i would choose my family all day long , if some1 as a good bond with their family then that should never be made to end , if it makes him happy ringing them ,then so be it ? this can course alot of problems for you both if its not spoke about , i hope you can sort it out xx

Hi Mahonc - you say that there are only two people that you would let near you - is your man one of them?   If not, is he really "the one" for you?

I cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like for you to be rejected so thoroughly at such a young age - the way you keep everyone at arm's length is indicative of just how much you hurt.

But I can only look at it from the point of view of the mother of your partner.    I have four children, whom I love dearly, and for whom I would give my life.    They are all grown now, and apart from one, who lives nearby, the nearest one to us, miles wise, lives 165 miles away.  I speak to them all regularly - they call me, and I call them, and we see each other when we can - although its now nearly 6 months since we spent any time with No 3 son, and we haven't seen No 2 son since Christmas.   But we are still close.    I don't know all their friends any more - used to - and some of their friends from teenage/childhood have tagged me onto their facebooks.    How would I feel if I knew that one of them had been in a relationship for 3 years and I had never met her?    I think I would feel concerned that it was a relationship too fragile to accept family, and so might not have the basis for a permanent relationship, and could become an estranged part of the family, which would make me feel very sad - if one of my children and their partner considered themselves self-sufficient - what about any children?  Not knowing cousins, grandparents?   Too, too sad.

I hope you can work through your feelings - life can be very long for the lonely :(

> Hi Mahonc - you say that there are only two people that you would let near you - is your man one of them?   If not, is he really "the one" for you?

:) yes he is one of them.
i know what everyone has siad is right i just need to come to terms with accepting them slowly.
and as for children/grandchildren that would be another sticking point if they asked as i wont be having any.

>
> and as for children/grandchildren that would be another sticking point if they asked as i wont be having any

That certainly wouldn't cause a problem to me (nor I think, to most Mums, we know just how difficult it is to raise children, especially in the world as it is now).    Have you considered counselling?   It might be worth it, if you can talk out all the hurt that you obviously feel.

To be honest I think you need counselling, in the nicest possible way! I think you need to be sure that you ARE a valued person, you are deserving of love and you are a person who can share life, love and laughter with more people.

> Have you considered counselling?   It might be worth it, if you can talk out all the hurt that you obviously feel.

no not really i dont think it would work for me personally.
i dont think it bothers me in any other way cos i have an outlook on life as everything happens for a reason and what happened made me independant and the person i am today. if it had not ave happened i would be a totally different person.
its funny actually i went through a really horrific tribunal at work 3 yrs ago and was made to go to counselling.
the session lasts 45 mins and i spent 5 sessions just literally not speaking ha ha ha.
i dont open up naturally ha ha ha ha

Sorry Margot, posted before I read your reply as I had been mulling things over...(you'll know why later!)

But yes, my thoughts are for counselling, to let things go, release the baggage and go forward.

I am sorry but I would think it very strange not to have met the family within a short time of meeting a partner, they are part of what made him and I do feel you join a family as well as take a husband or wife.

My partner is very pleased to be part of a family gain, especially as both his parents, with whom he was very close have died.

But you aren't healed or coping are you? Otherwise you wouldn't get upset or be bothered. I KNOW how you are feeling, really I do, it has taken me many many years to get in the 'place' I am today and I think of all the wasted years where I could have had the friends and support everyone needs, whether they know it or not.

> But you aren't healed or coping are you? Otherwise you wouldn't get upset or be bothered

you may be right but i dont think i would want to waste the time of the counsellor as i know i still wouldnt speak about it.
my o.h and my best friens know waht happened to me before i left the family home as i dont have a issue saying but i do have the issue of discussing the feelings related to that. the simple fact is I JUST DONT. i dont speak on how i feel at all. bury and leave alone.

I really think you need to think long and hard about relationships if you cannot get the parent thing.  There is no more basic relationship then between parent and child, it is biological and emotional.

Are you planning on having a family?

If so then surely you need to be able to participate in one, if not your own for whatever reason, then one that is obviously working well like your other halves, else how will you be able to bring up a well rounded family of your own?

> Are you planning on having a family?
>

no i think there are enough children in the world.
not condemning anyone who wants children but for me i dont feel the need to reproduce never have.