I feel quite upset at the way my son appears to be being treated by his girlfriend's family and would welcome any suggestions on how best to handle the situation. My son is seventeen and I am very proud of the young person he has become.

He is a very caring lad and has never been in any trouble, although he was subjected to some awful bullying at school. Looking back I feel so guilty, as due to a lot of ill health within the family, he bottled things up so we didn't worry about him and neither his Dad nor I realised just how unhappy he was at school. At one point he was subjected to a really nasty assault by a gang, where he was punched with such a force it broke the lens of his glasses. The school and police wanted us to prosecute, but we were advised "off the record" that if we took no action the gang would move onto another victim. Every morning I dropped him off at the school gates, and felt physically sick as I watched him walking in not knowing if they would attack him again. All through this he never complained, and still texted home each lunch and break to see if I was OK. Unfortunately I think this did have an impact on his school work, and although he still managed to achieve 13 GCSE's (C and above), he didn't get the grades he had hoped for. Funnily enough after the attack he decided that he wants to join the Police, and has recently started a BTech course that will hopefully lead to his chosen career. At parents evening the comments from his college tutors, were just amazing. They were so complimentary about him that we left the college on cloud nine. Every course modulte that has been completed has achieved a "Distinction" and in December he was nominated "Student of the Month". He does not smoke or take drugs, and the only alcohol he drinks is the odd can of lager at a weekend at home.

Approximately six months ago he started dating a fifteen year old girl who is a lovely girl, and they seem very happy together. I suppose by todays standards they are quite young for their age. Unless they go to the cinema, swimming baths, shopping, etc, they tend to spend their time at our house. He does have his own TV and computer in his room, but the door is open and we never feel uncomfortable about popping into his room. Neither of them are the sort that to want to 'hang around' or drink on the streets. If he was I would really feel I had failed, but I think he has very good moral standards and am genuinely proud of him. Although it is a 10 mile round trip, we always drive her home in an evening. During the week she usually has to be in around 7.30 but some weekends she is allowed to stay on the Saturday evening.

HOWEVER, my son feels that his girlfriend's mum and brother (Dad does not live with them) do not like him. In an attempt to please her, if he is invited to her house he always offers to wash up after meals, make her a cup of tea, etc, but he still says she isn't very nice towards him. I can see exactly where he is coming from, as when I have spoken to her I get the distinct impression that she is not happy with either my son or indeed us. We live in a perfectly nice house (approx 3 times the value of her house), have nice cars, etc and my husband has a very good job.

My son feels that if he had opted to do A levels rather than a BTech, he would have been more acceptable, as he is forever being told how wonderful the brother's girlfriend is, and how clever she is. The brother is very academic, and apparently he has told his Mum that his sister is even brighter if she would apply herself. Apparently in her last school review in February, she got A's for effort in all subjects. My son does make sure that she keeps on top of her homework and coursework, and we often have quite a laugh about him being her personal tutor.

Today there has been another exchange of words between my son's girlfriend and her Mum, whereby my son has been accused as being a bad influence. He is really upset and feels he has tried so hard to make a good impression and be liked. He doesn't have much confidence, and to see him doubting himself is really upsetting.

His girlfriends Mum telephoned me today to ask that I make sure her daughter didn't talk or see my son until she bucks her ideas up. I really cannot see what the daughter is doing that is so wrong, although I appreciate I don't see what goes on behind closed doors, but she seems such a lovely, well mannered girl. The fact that she doesn't wear a huge amount of makeup and is comfortable to don a fleece and go for a walk, or to watch my son on the clay range, certainly doesn't worry me. If they do go anywhere she looks lovely and makes a real effort.

Another thing that really concerns me is that one of my son's friends from college was being a little off with him, which my son couldn't understand. When he tackled him about it, it was because the brother had told the friend, that my son was a drunk and took drugs every weekend. He has also told his sister that he has told his Mum just what my son is really like!! On another occasion he told his sister that my son was cheating on her, fortunately she believed my son and when she quizzed her brother why he had said it, he said he quizzed the lad who had told him, and he was talking about a different boy. I feel these are really serious allegations, particularly for someone who is on a course geared towards a career in the police.

Sorry for the length of the post, but I hate seeing my son so sad, he really doesn't deserve it. I have spoken to the Mum and asked if we could get together tomorrow for a chat to discuss a few issues. Do you think I am doing the right thing, and should I tell her about the rumours her son is spreading. My husband is livid and just wants to go straight to college and complain, but I feel that it would definitely put an end to their relationship.
I would really appreciate your thoughts.

I can really appreciate that you are upset.  And that your husband is livid!  I do think, however it is handled, your boy's relationship will be doomed.  The daughter will end up doing what Mum says she has to.  It seems so unfair that such a nice lad is going to have his confidence hit down even further.

It's easy for me to say, as I've never been in your position.  But I feel that I would end up letting hubby do what he wants to do.  The girls brother has to be dealt with as soon as possibe, before his rumours spread everywhere.  What a thoroughly spiteful person he is!  He does seem to show a superior attitude to his sis doesn't he?  It's all in the upbringing!!!

I don't think that you will get anywhere with Mum, as she certainly doesn't seem as if she is going to listen to your viewpoint.  I think she will say that her boy is right. Just my feelings.  Poor kids, it looks like they are both going to be devastated. 

I hope someone with similar experience will be more help to you, but just wanted to send my support.  Jean

This is just my personal opinion as I too  have a lovely son and I would be furious if someone treated him the way your son is being treated.

Firstly, I think it's great that your son is able to talk to you as many would bottle this type of thing up.  Keep up the dialogue and continue to voice your support and especially continue to make clear that his girlfriend's family are wrong to treat him this way.  Secondly, I would discourage him from going to the girl's house.  If they can meet at your house why subject himself to hostility there?  Stay away would by my advice. I would actually be really concerned about the rumour mongering and would like to ensure that nothing else can be 'invented' whilst in their company so he shouldn't go round there.

I think someone such as your son's personal tutor should be made aware that these rumours are being banded about without foundation. I think the college should most definitely be informed.  These rumours are a form of bullying and the nature of the rumours potentially extremely damaging and should not be allowed to escalate further.

First of all can I give you all a big {{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}

As the mother of sons I can certainly feel for you. I would hate for one of my boys to be subjected to this.

Although none of my sons have been subject to this I have gone through a similar thing with my family and OH, it is never easy and very painful.

I chose OH over my family, and here I am 22 years later, although not really an option with your situation as they are so young.

At the time I could not change family opinion of OH ( nothing to do with status he is from a middle class family of Drs). So felt I was left with little option but to take the route I did and leave home.
Initally it was  to be with him and put an end to the constant rows and accusations, although we were engaged (mother hit the roof) the wedding was brought forward a year, and we ended up marrying in a registy office with only the witnesses present. We had both waited so there was defifnatley nothing for them to object to on that account ;)

The relationship with my family has never been the same again, although they are now trying to extend the olive branch maybe realising that after so long they were wrong.

Hopefully your son and GF will find a way through this together and her family will come around eventually. I don't think there is any easy solutions, just be there for them and support when they need you (although I know this goes without saying :) )

Firstly your son sounds like a wonderful young man, you can be very proud of him, I'm pretty sure that your son in himself isn't actually the problem, he would score highly with me offering to do the washing up. :-D He's respectful and sounds like a lovely young man.

Your son isn't being a bad influence,  however I want you to look at this from a different viewpoint. :-)

Your son is 17, the girl is 15, she seems to be spending a lot of time at your home on evenings and she stays occassionally at the weekend. I don't think it is your son that is the problem, but the age difference and time she is spending with him, yes, your boy is a good influence they do nice things together, but does the girl spend time with her female friends though, go shopping, skating etc?  Or is she totally spending all her time with your son? If she is, it is a very dangerous place to be for her and her parents will see this, your son will become more important to her than anything else, (we all remember our first loves) if the relationship dies what is the girl left with if she has lost contact with her female friends, if she is too upset to study?  These things all probably go through the parents head, in turn they are turning against your son. We all know our children are going to grow up find relationships, leave home, but at 15 to be so serious they may well feel it is too young and they are loosing their daughter too soon, all these feelings will cause resentment towards your son even if he were Prince Charming himself. :-)

My son began dating at 15 to another 15 year old and their time together was very much supervised by myself and the girls parents education is important and diversions of 'love' are distracting, both aswell as spending time together also spent much time with their own friends and hobbies, the relationship was not allowed to become all consuming. My boy is now 18 and they are still together, still in love and both doing very well education wise, they both have seperate lives away from each other too, very important! The girls parents are probably worried, not so much by your son himself but the distraction and time spent just with him, even if that is good time, she is still their baby and you can bet your life if she plays up at home or is disrespectful they will blame your son.

You have to remind yourself this girl is only 15, her parents most probably wish to have the joy in helping her study, making plans, choose life pathways with her, she will turn to your son and that will for many cause resentment.

To be honest I would ask my son to step back a bit, allow her to spread her wings in different directions, if they are meant to be together they will be, I'm pretty sure after Uni my son and his girl will marry, they both have full lives with many friends and interests are happy and content in every way, yet still always have each other, that is the best way to be. :-)

Your son sounds like a lovely young man :)  I hope mine is as lovely when he's 17 :)

Re the problem with the Girlfriend's Brother in college, I would either report it to the Principal or arrange some counselling with the Student Counsellor.  He shouldn't have to put up with this at college.

My daughter went through a similar thing.  After dreadful bullying all through school she thought going to college in another town would make things easier, and it did, she was getting on really well, lots of friends etc.  Until one of the school bullies started the same college.  Suddenly people were dropping her, wouldn't look at her, then she found out about this girl being there and a few better friends told her about the rumours.  Daughter didn't see the point in reporting it as it never worked in school.  So I suggested seeing the college counsellor and telling her exactly how it made her feel.  Daughter got really good counselling and was able to see it wasn't something wrong with her (which we'd never been able to convince her of) and the bully was sorted totally.  Daughter was told if the bully so much as looked in her direction to report her.  If she heard of anything the bully had said about her - report it and the bully would be GONE!   It never happened again.  Colleges can't afford to lose students through bullying and it is treated far more seriously than in school.

Don't really know what to say about the girl's mother, she may be worried about her daughter losing out on friendships, and spending all her time with your son.  She may also be worried that things may go too far too soon ;) and would be happier if reassured that the couple are being chaperoned when at your house ;)  which is what my worry would have been when my daughter was that age ;)  but I could be barking up the wrong tree ;) 

Unfortunately your son can only be his lovely self and if that isn't good enough for this girl's mother then there's nothing he can do about it :(   I'd certainly have been happy for my daughter to spend time with him ;)

Although it wont help you or your sone in this moment, he is still a very young man and will most likely have may many more girlfriends in the years to come. He can only make his own mistakes and learn from them. you can tell him, advise him untill your blue in the face however i firmly believe you can only learn from your own mistakes. he may get his heart broken this time and possibly in the future as he will most likely do the same to others but its the lessons he needs to learn in life to make better informed decisions in the future!!!

Oh I am so sorry I feel for you, when Ben & Helen split up I was so sad for my son and hurt for both of them.

15 is underage, the mother may think (wrongly) that a 15 year old should be commiting jerself to school and college, she is a single mother herself you said. She may just be worrying that the daughter may end up like her alone with two kids. The brother needs taking back a peg or two he has no right to spread rumours about your son he is in the wrong. I think you should let your husband loose myself. That type of a rumour would do your son's police career no good.

Hmmmm! sounds like a lot of jealousy! I am a great believer in reflective behaviour. I do think the rumours have to be stopped. He is to young to see how mud sticks. I probably would take the bull by the horns, Yes, if the mother has already telephoned you, then I would phone her and give her your opinion, and tell her as it is. I defiantly would not leave it.

Denese

> I think you should let your husband loose myself. That type of a rumour would do your son's police career no good.

A father with a criminal record isn't going to help either.

I can understand the girls mother being concerned, your son is 17 and her daughter only 15. I know it's only 2 years but it's an important 2 years. I also think that every parent of a teenage girl particularly can be a bit overprotective :-) Personally I wouldn't say anything as I don't believe any good can come of doing so, it's likely just to alienate the mother further.

He's going to college to complain where would that get him a criminal record!

Thanks everyone for your opinions, some really good points have been raised. Her Mum telephoned me this morning to thank me for my efforts in helping her resolve her problems with her daughter. We had a bit more of a chat and I do think that she is now seeing my son in a different light. Her words were, that she doesn't think Matthew has been given enough credit, and is really good with her daughter. I got the impression that she felt quite guilty when I explained how my son was feeling. We are all getting together this evening to have a chat, on one hand i'm dreading it, but at least I feel I will have a chance to support my son and hopefully allay some of their fears.

I appreciate that this is a very important time in their young lives, and their education and friends are very important. I do think this is one area where improvements can be made, as I too feel it is important that they don't spend all their free time together.

With regard to the rumours, as Whistler stated my husband had no intention of doing anything other than contacting the college. I am hoping that this will be something that is brought up this evening, and if not I feel I have no choice but to bring it up myself, however uncomfortable it may make her son.

Hopefully this evening will go well, but if not, then at least I feel we have tried to give the family a chance to stop their sons malicious rumouring without involving the college, but if not then and we will be contacting my son's Personal Tutor tomorrow.

Thanks again for all your opinions and support, I will let you all know how things go.

So pleased, to be honest both the girls and yourself are very good parents, you both care about your children and show interest in what is going on you can't do better than that ;-) I have high hopes for a really good outcome and hopefully everything will be sorted. When our children see how we as adults get together and sort things out, it really helps them to communicate and have confidence as adults too.

if you say she is coming round abit more, have you had much to do with the mother?  Maybe a meet up will do the world of good although it does seem like your son and GF are spening alot of time together and her mum might worry this will effect her studies, even if it doesn't it won't stop a mum from worrying!

Also you mention you have a house 3 times the value of theirs and you also have nice cars.  This could be off putting if they feel you are of a higher class.  You have a wonderful son and by the sounds of it they have a wonderful daughter but do remember she is only 15 and going though her GCSE's, a VERY important time that could dictate her future when it comes to A-levels and Uni's!

Hmmm Parents....neither of my first two boyfriend were good enough.  My 3rd (and current) though was except and "was a nice lad who spoke proberly and was polite"....then he moved in.....

Well i'm back and do feel a bit happier. The mum seems to have certainly accepted that my son isn't a horror and we have agreed that they see each other three times a week, which is probably only a day less than they have been. She did apologise for the way she made him feel, but said it is just the way she is. 

The son did make an appearance and rather that directly confront him, I approached it from the angle that it had been brought to our attention that rumours were being circulating about my son, had he heard them. He looked very uncomfortable and mumbled that we had to understand that if he heard something bad about his sister's boyfriend he would believe it, as he had to look out for her. I asked if he would mind telling me who had told him such things, and he totally contradicted himself by saying that no-one had spoken to him about Matthew as they didn't know the same people, especially as my son is on a BTech course and he is doing 'A' levels. I let this go and just hope his Mum picked up on it. I did point out that the allegations were obviously very serious, and something that we would be taking up with Matthew's personal tutor, hopefully this will give him something to think about.

Icequeen, I think she read your post as she seems to be planning lots of "bonding time" for us. I guess I will just have to make the effort.

Matthew doesn't seem to want to talk any more tonight. From the looks of his eyes, he doesn't look like he slept at all last night, but I will have a good chat to him tomorrow and try and make him feel a bit happier with himself. I just hope he doesn't feel I let him down, as I was far more agreeable and diplomatic than I had intended, but just wanted to try and help work things out.

Thanks again for your support, I will keep you posted.

> He's going to college to complain where would that get him a criminal record!

ooops sorry, I'm quite embarrassed now! I didn't actually read the whole of the first post, it was very long...lol... then when you set set him loose I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Apologies Whistler (and OP) will attempt to refrain from commenting until I have read things properly :-)

Anyway., glad that everything seems to have worked out for the OP with the other Mum

Sounds like it's worked out nicely so far for all of you.  May I wish your son and his girlfriend much happiness aswell as both families! :-D

(I say all this and my parents have met my boyfriends mum once and never met his father!   LOL)