I was wondering if anyone has any experience or words on advice on parents splitting up.  My mum & dad have been together over 30 years but have been drifting apart for the past few years & this amongest other things I don't want to go into have led to them splitting up.  This all started back in October & has been going on since then really.  Although I was upset, shocked & very concerned for them both at first I have tried to keep out of things between them & let them sort it out themselves. My mum seemed to have taken it the worst so I'll be honest I've probably concentrated my efforts on helping her & not my dad.  My dad is very actively involved in local football & had a very good network of friends, whenever I've spoken with him or popped round to his new flat he seemed to be coping well.  However he came to visit me yesterday & is a shadow of his former self, I was shocked when he walked through the door.  He has a Gluten intolerance only recently discovered & he needs to be careful what he eats which he hasn't been doing, therefore he's bloated & uncomfortable all the time.  He was scheduled to have an operation to untrap a nerve in his shoulder but this keeps getting cancelled, he's permanently in pain & is finding it difficult to function as it's now starting to affect the nerves in his hands.  He's been on & off sick with work for about 7 months now & financially he's now starting to suffer as he's having to pay for his flat but also support my mum in the family home.  He's basically taken far too much one & emotionally isn't coping, what has scared me the most as he said he didn't know if he could go on without me & my brother.  I did my best talking to him & hugging him yesterday but he's a proud man & kept apologising for breaking down, I told him he had no reason to apologise & what sort of daughter would I be if I didn't try to comfort him.  He left about half 6 last night & I've done nothing but worry since he left, I hardly slept last night & have only been in work an hour & I've broke down & cried twice already.  I'm at a complete loss as to what to do & if I'm being honest with myself I feel horribly guilty for letting him get in this state, why did I not notice any of this earlier.

I'm torn as to what to do next as I really don't want to get heavily involved in their separation, after all they're adults & should be able to sort things out amicably if they can't make it work as a couple.  But I think they both need little pushes in the right direction, my mum needs to take more responsibility for bills etc on the family home, it's not fair on my dad to be paying all the bills for this house & his own.  I understand my mum doesn't earn a massive amount but I'm sure she can take some of the burden.  I've asked my dad to make an appointment to see his doctor to discuss the next steps for his operation or some more pain relief so he can maybe return to work.  My dad is a very generous person & doesn't like to say no to people & I think he's taken too much on & is now starting to feel the strain.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this or what I'm asking but I feel better already for off loading a little.

Hi gembo

I have no personal experience of parents splitting (thankfully) but can sympathise if not genuinely understand what you're going through :(

You sound as though you have handled things so far in a very mature fashion which is a credit not only to yourself but to your upbringing :)  I'm sorry that your dad is having such a difficult time, especially with financial troubles on top of his health worries.  I think from what I've understood from your post that you need to be quite pro-active re encouraging him to chase up medical help and also to badger him into taking better care of his diet.

Over and above this speak to your mum - tell her what your worries are about your dad and see if she is prepared to sit down with him and work out financial arrangements which they can both manage better on.  Ideally they should be able to do this privately and amicably but if there seems little chance of that perhaps your or your brother could act as a go-between.

Nobody wants to be in this type of position but going by friends' experiences, we 'kids' - which we all are until our parents have gone to a better place than us - are uncomfortable about intervening where our parents are involved.  Of course it's important not to take sides but equally I think it's important to recognise who is most in need of moral support and (dare I say it) a little guidance of how best to reorganise their lives.

This is maybe not of much help - I sincerely hope that if nothing else then having had the opportunity to unload some of your burdens you feel a little better and maybe someone with better understanding than myself of such situations will be able to offer more practical advice.

{{{hugs}}} meantime,
Teri

You're writing it because you need to get it out in some format as it's healthier.  I'm a bottler, save it all up and implode, which is most certainly not healthy - wish I could get things out like you can :-)

I'm not surprised you are worried about your parents. I find it very odd and worrying that they are splitting up after 30 years though - I couldn't imagine doing it myself.  Have they both been to councilling?  My folks had major major problems, were at breaking point numerous times, marriage councilling really helped them.  No matter what they went through they always loved each other - and I'm a big believer that love doesn't just die (although it can be poisoned and killed).

I think that your parents really need each other more than ever right now, with what your dad is going through.  Even if they can just be friends and talk to each other.  Sorry, I don't really understand it all being too young etc.  I just don't have the insight or experience that many other people on here will have, but I wish you all the best at this hard time.  It must be hard no matter what age you are.

> I've done nothing but worry since he left, I hardly slept last night & have only been in work an hour & I've broke down & cried twice already.  I'm at a complete loss as to what to do & if I'm being honest with myself I feel horribly guilty for letting him get in this state, why did I not notice any of this earlier.
>

Don't blame yourself, some people, especially men, hide thier true emotions very well indeed, especially from thier own children. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it seems like you are doing your best to not take sides and to help both your mum & dad as much as you can.
Do you think you could get your dad to see his Dr. about his state of mind, he may benefit from seeing somebody he can off-load too that he has no emotional attatchment with.
My mum & dad split up when I was 10, mum left so my dad raised me & my younger sister on his own, but we were too young to be involved in any of our parents emotional problems. It must be harder when you are an adult & your parents split, because as well as having to cope with the split yourself, you're also old enough to get your parents emotional problems to deal with.
Take care of yourself and don't let yourself feel guilty for anything.

gembo - I really feel for you. My parents split up, then divorced after a similar length of marriage and it came as a terrible shock, even though I was grown up and had left home. I have always tried not to 'take sides' so to speak, and to stay out of their relationship. What I have tried to do is be as supportive as possible without passing any comment, just to be loving and there when needed and to keep calm. This happened to us over 10 years ago now and we have had difficulties, but I am probably closer to my parents now. I know it's not easy and I am thinking of you. 

Do you think your Dad might be getting depressed or be regretting the split ?

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, I have shed a few more tears, thank you.

With regards counselling I've suggested they contact Relate or something similar, this seemed to work when they split temporarily 15 years ago but I can't seem to get any commitment from either side.  My dad was quite optimistic before Xmas that they could try to sort things out but they've hardly been in contact since Xmas & I think he's resigned to the fact they won't be getting back together.  He has said he doesn't think he could move back into the family home as there are too many memories there which I can understand.  Personally I think they both need a fresh start either together or apart but it's the getting to this stage that will be difficult.  I am going to make sure my dad visits his doctor, he does go regularly for check ups & repeat prescriptions & the doctor is familair with his conditions so he will no doubt see the changes e.g weight gain, increased blood pressure & hopefully speak to my dad about the cause.

This is definitely harder to deal with the older you are, you are more aware of the other worries e.g money they will have & not just about them not being together.  Over the past 3 years they've both lost their parents & I don't think either, my mum especially has coped all that well with this.  Some couples pull together & become stronger in adversity but I have seen this slowely pull them apart.

In my heart of hearts I do hope they can work things out & grow old together but I need to remain realistic & maybe see some positive out of this, maybe they'll be happier setting up news lives apart. Who knows! I do know the next few months are going to be bumpy but I have to try & remain strong & not get too involved & end up fighting with either of them, I know even though I might be angry at them for not trying to save their marriage that voicing this won't help matters.

I think I'm starting to see the early signs of depression I think my dad has been prescribed prozac many years ago.  Hopefully the doctor will see this in his notes when my dad visits.

My mum insitigated the split but I think my dad is regretting some of his actions that may have led it.

With regards your mum instigating the split, do you think she might possibly have done it to make your dad behave oppositely?  I have to say I have done similar to my OH to give him a wake up call and kick his backside in gear.  It's a really really bad personality trait in me and I have been known to cut my nose of to spite my face however we have both worked on it and OH now understands some of my "quirks".

I think you are really brave.  I can't begin to contemplate how hard it must be.

I spent my life wishing they would split up!!
Right I can only speak from the parents point of view having brought my two up alone and as young adults (now) People change and they do sometimes move apart, the main thing for them I expect is that are not happy together. Its not always a good thing to remain where you are unhappy either partner.
The downside is the effect on oter family members, you for instance. Its heartbreaking, change can be, but, the upside is as tey get happier and more fulfilled outside of the nuclear relationship, you take your children with you. Few parents "leave" their kids. Your Dad also appears to need your help, but you arent responsible for his problems, you can only be supportive and (maybe) like me get on the phone, moan about his treatment being cancelled ect.. Its good to do something to help, but you maybe need to sit them down and suggest that financially it isnt working. Are there any dependant children at home? if there isnt a downsize of the familt home might be an idea.
It comes to all of us in a marriage or out of it to accept change, in my case downsizing when the boys left home.

Dad has to be tougher he cant meet his own bills and your Mum's but to change 30 years of behaviour will not happen overnight. If they will not talk it over Im afraid there is little to be done unless your Dad also goes so far as to cut the purse strings.

Its tough in the beginning but it will get easier as you go along.

gembo - don't hope that the Doctor will spot depression , he needs it pointing  out. Get your Dad to tell the Doctor how he is feeling and that he has had depression before .
Maybe your Dad would like you to go with him for the appointment .

As for the gluten intolerance , get him some leaflets or print some info off the computer and stick it on his fridge so that he knows what to eat and what to avoid . Maybe even go shopping with him once or twice to show him what to buy .
They will probably be going through a sort of grieving process for their marriage that hasn't lasted  and the future that is uncertain , so give them some time to adjust and you may have to be a crutch for a while .
 

Thanks St.Domingo but I'm not sure my dad will be comfortable with me going to the doctors with him, but I will continue to press him to go & tell him everything about how he's feeling etc

Dad was doing really well with the gluten intolerance & he does know what he can & cannot eat but I think he's just stoppped caring & will eat a cake for example if he wants it, he's also drinking lager/beer which I think may be the main cause of the bloating.  I've tried really hard with this, he now gets bread & pasta on prescription & I will occasionally buy him a GF cake or biscuits, I have tried to get him to drink a GF drink e.g cider or vodka be he seems intent on the beer at the moment.  I think the drinking is a social thing though, just a way to get him our of his flat but I think he would feel better if he stuck to a GF drink!! When we go out I don't let him drink beer/lager but I can't be there all the time.

This is turing out to so much harder than I ever thought it would be, I'm annoyed I've let it affect me so much especially at work it's not professional.

> My mum & dad have been together over 30 years

My parents had been married for 40 years, when, at the age of 60, Mum said she wanted a divorce.  Dad was in shock.  Although he had faults, he didn't see them, and he certainly would never have considered counselling. 

Mum took Dad to the cleaners financially, and made a good life for herself.  Dad just deteriorated mentally, he couldn't cope with having to fend for himself.  I once visited him as he was getting Sunday dinner.  A tin of soup, eaten straight from the saucepan, to save washing up.  Heck, he didn't even know where his sock drawer was, when he got out of the bath, Mum had always laid out his clean stuff on the bed!

Women are far stronger than men.  Speaking from my own experience, my Dad desperately needed my support.  With Mum, once I had helped her choose a new house, and get everything in place, she was so happy to be away from Dad, that she flourished.  Still going strong at 81.

Dad however, was all bluff and bluster about doing whatever he wanted, and going to the pub when he liked.  It was an act that people believed.  Inside he was a sad, broken, lonely old man.  His mind deteriorated, and he died a broken man.  I think your Dad will need far more mental support than your Mum.

My parent split up 8 years ago now. They had been married for over 20 years.
I was in my early 20's at the time and what i found the most difficult is that my mum cheated on him while i was on holiday with her trying to fix our relationship. Never forgiven her for that and all the lying she did.
In the end i was the one who had to tell my dad about the affair, he asked and i couldn't lie for her.

It was a mess for a couple of years, he kicked her out and he was a mess and couldn't cope and his behaviour was very erratic.
She tried to take him to the cleaners, and in one sense did as she was a lazy woman who never wanted to work, so in view of her not working for the past 20 years she hadn't contributed to her NI and taxes and therefore wouldn't be getting a pension, my father had to compensate her for this and will have to give her another lump sum in a few years time. She is now working and earning money - absolute cheek of the woman..

It was hard and during the break up i went travelling for a year, so my sister had the worst to deal with.

He has come out the other end and has made new friends by joining clubs and seems to be a lot happier - though i think he wishes he was still with her as he does still love her, its just not reciprocated.

I for one think it was a good thing they split, my mother is a very hard woman to please and they were always arguing and she is a cold person. Life was hard growing up around them, she went about it the wrong way and the deceit and lies has ruined our relationship and i haven't seen or spoken to her since.

All i say is good luck and try not to take sides, but all the same i think if your mum can take some of the burden then this would help your father.
I don't understand why one partner tries to ruin another when a split occurs and i hope that yours respect each other enough that this won't happen.

Good Luck

This is why I am such a devout believer in supporting each other in marriage.  It's a commitment, the vows say it all really.  So so sad for people who have lived a life together for so long to give up on it.  I agree with JeanSW that women are stronger emotionally than men.  There's a saying, behind every great man is an even greater woman.  So true.  We've supported and influence men since the dawn of time.

Gembo, I hope your parents manage to sort this out without trying to make you pick sides - too many times the kids (and yes ok you are an adult ;-) ) get caught in the middle.

Love isnt professional my dear!!
I do just about everything for my Dad since my Mum died its my pleasure and my pain as my brother does v. little but he is the blue eyed boy!! But I make all his appointments, sort out his bills ect when my Mum died he gave me his Cheque book as he did Mum he even calls me "Dear" now as he did her.

But I would not have it any other way as I will be really bereft if anything happens to him. Your Dad also sounds like he is punishing himself, tell him how much you care and he may seek more help then left to himself.

Gemma im so sorry about your parents spliting up. my parents split up when I was 7, even though people say I was young enough to not be so badly affected by it, it really did affect me.
My mum was away on a course and wasnt due back for a few days, but she came into the house with 4 other people in the middle of the night, the men beat my dad up, who was in a wheelchair at the time from a bad motor bike accident. My mum got my brother and I from our beds and tryed to take us outside to a car.The police came and they had to let my mum take us even though I didnt want to leave my dad. My mum took us up to scotland (from wales) to cut a far too long story short, I went to court 13 times over custody battles between my mum and dad many child hearings and still was made to live with my mum. I left home at 13 and came to wales to live with my dad, when I first came he was in such a state but tryed to hide everything from me, he had gall bladder problems and was told he had liver damage, but still he carried on eating rubbish and drinking far too much. since then he has needed my support so much, he works away now but he comes to my house every weekend and I do all his washing and cook him proper meals, but like you said you cant make sure he eats and drinks the right stuff when your not there.
I try to include my dad in lots of things we do, even though I know half of them he wouldnt do, it still makes him feel wanted and needed.
I have only just met my mum agian after 6 years of not seeing her. She has moved on with her life, she has married agian and is living in london now, she has changed so much but yet my dad is still back where he was years ago! I am too like you thinking, what more can I do? My dad is such a stubbon person he wont go to the doctors about depression or tell anybody about his problems, I am the one who is closest to him but yet he doesnt tell me much!

Sorry for going on and on, this is your post. I do hope your dad is ok and things get better for him and your mum, wheather them being together or apart :-)

As a parent  of grown up children, if my OH and I broke up I would hope my children would  not to take any responsibility for what is happening.
I don't mean that unkindly because you are just showing what a loving daughter you are. X Just show them both you love them no matter what and leave the rest to them.
And come here to unburden your self X
(That goes for Kiger and Gembo).

Thanks again for all your kind word's & PM's - I appreciate it more than you would believe.

I saw both my parents at the wknd, mum was a bit down as a work colleague as just been diagnosed with terminal cancer & it doesn't take much to pull her down at the minute. But my dad seemed a little better (:)), I had a bit of a chat with him, he's going to make an appointment to see the docs this week & going to try & curb his drinking.  It's quite stressful running around making sure I see everyone when we go up north but I feel better for doing it.

Thanks again everyone! :)