Hope you can all help.  My daughter is 10 se and her friend want to walkhome alone from school only 1 day per week, what are your thoughts.  The can come out of school, walk up the side, then there is another school to pass and they are home so they have no roads to cross.  I have spoken to the other childs parents and they are horrified that I have suggested they do it.  Am I such a bad parent, I will be at home when they get here.

Linda

Sounds fine to me in fact I would say it would be good for them.  Why can't they do it every day?

My son is 10 too and I have just started letting him walk home with friends.
We live close to the school and there are lots of children and adults walking past on their way home.
I actually go to the school as I have to pick up my younger children but I let him go on ahead.

Next year (well in 71/2 months) he goes to senior school and will have to walk to school and home again each day, I think it's a great way to build up both our confidence.
It also gives him a chance to show that he can be trusted and to feel more grown up and I don't worry as he really can't come to any harm. 

It sounds excellent to me - why is it being limited to only once a week?

I would say that encouraging this is a good sign of independence for your child. You might want to think about the time it should naturally take them to walk home and add on a few more minutes and explain the importance of being in at a certain time otherwise you will be worried etc.
For example - if it usually takes you 10 mins to walk home and usually in by 3.30pm then insist that they are home before 3.45pm otherwise the freedom stops until they are ready to be more responsible etc. The extra time allowance helps if they need to talk to teacher/find p.e kit etc and takes into account chatting to friends on way home etc. It may also be a good way of reinforcing clock watching/ time telling. Maybe explain that walking the same way ALL the time and no detours is paramount to their safety and your peace of mind.
Hope I haven't sounded too teacherish but it comes with habit!! This method has really helped my boys become more responsible!

Thanks for your replies, it is restricted to once per week as my eldest child suffers from a form of autism so i collect him from senior school every other day. 

I don't feel as bad now as I was begining to think what a bad mother I was.

Linda

Don't worry - you're a good mother for encouraging your children to become independent invididuals in a way appropriate to their age.

Working in a school for 11-16 year olds i would say 10 is a little young. but hey, they are your children so its entirely up to you.

I find this topic very interesting. My daughter (now 14 years old) was allowed to walk home with a friend (or 3 ;-) ) at the age of 6 years old. There were 4 girls in our street and a couple of boys that started school at the same time. We started off by allowing them to come to the school crossing on their own, but walking the rest of the way with us in tow, then to the end of the street, then all the way home by themselves (with us watching out of the windows :-) ) By the time they were 7 we weren't looking for them any more. Children have to learn to be independant and the sooner they learn that you trust them the more confidant they are as they grow up.

As your son is autistic you obviously are more aware than most parents that his needs are different so will be aware of how ready he is for this next step.

To be honest it depends on how far and how safe the  journey would be, from what you have described it sounds easy and safe enough, but obviously the other parents don't feel as secure about it as yourself. I've seen some parents allow their children to walk home alone from aged 7, usually latch key children, (it horrifies me) I certainly would not think you were a bad parent for suggesting it :-) but every parent is different and we all have different ways and stages of deciding when our children are old enough to do things on their own with peace of mind.

Your happy, but the other parents aren't, they are not wrong to say no, this is their child, their feelings of security for their childs safe return home and that should not be taken lightly our children are our most precious things in life, what is good for one, isn't for another.

All parents are different, neither of you are in the wrong, it is all down to each parent to decide on independance and security of their own child.

Well personally i think its a bit young for this day and age...but thats just my oppinion.
Idont have any young children to worry about now..only big ones and i think there worse.

I allowed and encouraged mine in year 6 as she was going to high school the next school year and would need to be walking to the bus stop for high school . They need to gain some independence before high school .

> The can come out of school, walk up the side, then there is another school to pass and they are home so they have no roads to cross......I will be at home when they get here.

From your discription it doesn't sound like a problem at all :)

My 10 yr old son is not allowed to walk home from school without me, but that is because it's 1 mile home with 3 very busy roads to cross. Plenty of his freinds who live closer to school & who don't have to cross busy roads walk home by thier selfs/with friends.

A lot of people are focussing on the roads the children have to cross but i'd be more inclined to be worrying about if a 10 year old is savvy enough to deal with certain situations they may encounter. THere are a lot of strange people, not always with the best of intentions in this world.

That is why all schools should be doing a yearly stranger danger talk , preferably by the local bobby .

>i'd be more inclined to be worrying about if a 10 year old is savvy enough to deal with certain situations they may encounter.

If they're taught to be 'polite but no more' to strangers - that is, taught not to be rude (because the huge majority of 'strangers' are no more dangerous than you or I) but not to assume they're their best friend - then they'll come to no harm. If they're taught to be too wary then they won't know who to turn to for help if they feel in trouble. If they're too trusting then they might come unstuck. They need to be taught the middle way - the safe, but independent, way.

The reason I am more unsure is with my eldest son of 15 having the autism and my other son whose 13yrd old has dspraxia this is a first for me for allowing them to walk home, I always worked when the others were at school so were always picked up by babysitter.  She is a girl again a first for me but she is bright and think she knows about the bad people out there and her manners.

Linda

We have to let them go, slowly but surely and this must be one of the first steps.
My third was girl after two boys and they are quicker at wising up.
For the sake of a well balanced child, you must show her you trust her to do this. It will be fine.

Karen :)

i used to get school bus to primary school, but as soon as i was at secondary school (about 11?) i walked there. there was three of us would walk together, and my parents were happy to allow us as a group to walk, and it was a 25minute walk.

My son was 10 in August and he is in Year 6.  I have recently started to let him walk to school and back with a group of friends (very occasionally on his own).  We live very close to the school and he has no roads to cross.  In fact his walk home is through our Estate where he knows a lot of people.

Like others have said if they are in Year 6 they will be going to school on there own in September.  My son is far more confident since we have let him do this and will have no problems going to school on his own when he starts Secondary School (one less thing to worry about)

I'm not entirely sure it is about age but emotional maturity.

My son is 13 but he tends to operate quite a bit below this - my daughter is 12 but operates a bit above.  Boys between 11 and 14 have surging testosterone levels and massive growth which all requires a bit of rewiring and can make them a bit dopey and disorganised!!  It's partly a gender issue but there are other factors too.  I notice that kids with older brothers and sisters tend to be a bit more savvy.  Also there is a big difference between just 10 and nearly 11 - which is why children in one school year can seem poles apart.

You are the best judge of your daughters ability to cope and I'm sure that's true of the other girls parents too.  Although there is a natural tendency to protect your children you get plenty of signs when they are ready for more responsibility so trust your instincts.  However, you might want/need to explain to your daughter why her friend might not be ready yet.  Ironically some children are safer walking near people they know but actually on their own so that they don't get distracted when they need to concentrate. 

I spoke to my son last night. he actually told me off! I should have clarified that my daughter and I were living in a small town at the time, and the school was basically at the top of the road. My grandson lives in Dundee. He is almost 9 years old and isn't allowed to walk home alone. So where you live obviously has to have something to do with any decision made.

In year 6 many children do the Cycling Proficiency ( or whatever it is called now ) so not only are they walking home alone , they are also expected to cycle on the road !!!

I don't really remember my Mum telling me about stranger danger etc. but i was very aware of the ' Charlie says' adverts with the cat . It covered the danger of matches , stranger danger and the importance of learning to swim etc. I really believe that the Government should re-run those ads as they worked for me . I don't think todays ads are as good .

Thank you all

Linda

This is a strange one.

When I was in Primary school (1970's) in London it was perfectly normal for Junior school age children to walk home on their own.  Even those in the upper part of infants walked home with older siblings.

Then it gradually seemed to be that only the older Juniors walked.

My kids are now 18 and 21 and I walked them to school; and back right through primary school and first year of secondary (though the boy walked home with sister in first year of secondary).

I am the first to worry about every conceivable thing that could go wrong.  However, come next year, a 11 year old in our area is expected to stand & wait for a bus alone (admittedly outside their house) but some rural properties have very long drives.  The alternative is you drive your 11 year old to the train station & let them catch a train to a major town & then walk to school.

My two are still in infants so I've got a long time to stew over it.  But dd is already asking when she can cycle the mile & a half to school on her own.  At the moment we walk (activities permitting) but we have to cross an A road (albeit a rural A road) & walk country lanes with prickly hedges to jump in when the idiots drive like loony's!

As someone already posted to the OP, it's giving them independence, so long as you stress that they must leave school on time, & get to your house at an expected time, not to mention putting the fear of god into them re. strangers, I'm sure a 10 year old can get home one day a week with her friend.

> I have spoken to the other childs parents and they are horrified that I have suggested they do it

unless you've left out lots of needles, dark alleys and that you live in a dodgy area of Detroit whats the problem?? people are a bit to cautious these days.

Personally I don't see a problem as long as she is not walking all by herself- much safer with a group of friends then not :-)

My 2 girls are aged 11 and 9, they walk to and from school  with another friend. This decision is based soley on the mature nature of my oldest, very sensible, very level headed and is savvy enough to deal with many situations. I think you as a mother is the only one that knows whether your child can cope with this responsibility or not. My girls have taken this route since Amy started secondry school in september and we have had no issues.

I always walked home from school myself, or with my brothers when they started school.  Primary school was round the corner though, but still across a road, and secondary school was round the other corner lol!  I'm fiercely independent though and always have been.  It drives me up the wall that my OH is still very much a mummy's boy and I would hate to risk impeding any of my future children's independence.  So as soon as they are aware of and understand road safety and stranger danger they will be walking to school themselves or with friends.

We used to cycle to school, as the kids became more independant they just left earlier than me. I could still check they were there as I could see the bikes in the bike shed! Then when they went to senior school they walked to school but I still cycled to work and would pass the school gate as they went in it..if I timed it well!!

Just out of interest in UK has it always been that kids get walked to school/home until they are older?
I find it amazing people see it as unacceptable for 11 year olds to walk on their own.

I come from Finland where in most families both parents work (not that many stay at home mums at all).
I walked to school from age 7... with a friend and it was about 25 minute walk!
We had few roads to gross and were taught the whole stranger factor...
We would have about 40 minutes to come home and would have to call our mum when we got home to let them know we are home safe.
My brother went to a different school (so he could learn german instead of english) and he was walking to the bus stop, taking a bus and changing once before getting to school at age of 9!

I also spent the afternoons on my own from 7 year old (under supervision of my 11 year brother) and I assume this would be seen as not acceptable here?
Naturally my mum was at the end of the phone if we had any concerns and she would call to see we are ok.
We were told to go to the neighbour if we had an emergency as the lady next door was at home during the day but I do not think we went once.
We would heat up our own lunch in the afternoon, eat and play with our friends until the parents come home.

This was totally normal way to treat school children and I believe it is still more or less the same, 20 years later.

> Just out of interest in UK has it always been that kids get walked to school/home until they are older?
>

No, my mother walked me round to school on my first day then that was it and the vast majority of children were the same at that time.  Just like you I did a 25 minute walk at age 7 when we moved to another area.  Mothers worried a bit on dark winter nights regarding the traffic but we just got on with it.  I would say this change occured about 20 years ago and I would say it coincided with the increase in working mothers and driving mothers.

>Just out of interest in UK has it always been that kids get walked to school/home until they are older?

No, it's very much a modern phenomenon. A child was usually accompanied for the first few days to make sure they knew the route, and after that they went by themselves. At 7 I was walking myself to school across a town, and at 9 walking to the village bus stop, catching a regular bus (not a 'school bus') into the town, then walking across the town to school.

Yep very much what I remember.

I remember having a lot more independence than kids today seem to have. Admittedly, walking to school when I was at primary was down the drive, about 5 steps along the pavement and in the school gate!! Then we moved to another village and I was driven to school as there was no bus service to the comp I went to.

At the weekends & in the hols though, my parents were quite happy for me & friends to go off on our own, provided they knew what time we would be back, and roughly where we were going. This was from about 9 or 10 years old too. I'm sure age might be starting to fog my memory a bit now I'm 30 ;-) but my childhood was quite 'swallows & amazons' in that we always seems to be having adventures and building dens to hide out in and generally being quite independent of adults.

Oh, I think the OP is right to allow her daughter to start walking back from school iwith friends, it will prepare her well for 'big school' where I assume the pupils are expected to be tha bit more independent than at primary.

Claire

I also remember having loads of independence as a child (walked to school on my first day on my own, aged 4! Didn't really know the way so I got there late!) There wasn't a lot of traffic where I grew up though, also it was a community where we knew everyone and I think that makes a big difference. I think maybe social changes which often see families living without that community network might have contributed to kids being less independent. Personally I let my son aged 9 walk to school by himself but don't yet let my 7 year old daughter, but she is not so mature for her age - and I do think I'll always worry more about her on her own, because however irrational I see girls as being more vulnerable. Nevertheless I'll probably let her go on her own in a year or two anyway. I think you just get an instinct for what individual children are ready for, I try to give mine independence at the level they are comfortable with.

Just out of interest in UK has it always been that kids get walked to school/home until they are older?

>

Sounds terrible doesn't it, I walked to school in a group, I lived in a village, we all knew each other and I had 5 brothers, mum didn't drive, so walking to school was normal for myself and I guess the majority of children in my day.

I think today it is harder for parents, we have more people, more houses, more strangers (most of us don't even know our neighbours) less immedite family, more cars, more roads, and worst of all we are much more aware of the mental and s*xual devinats on our streets.

I know darn well they were there when I was a child, at 9 I went to visit my cousin and a little girl went missing, I went out searching with everyone else, she was found dead after being abused. Another incident in my own village a road sweeper called myself and my friends over to look at his friend in his pants, (I was approx 7) we had no idea what we were looking at, (and I had 5 brothers, but I'd never seen anything like that!) I didn't even tell my parents, had no idea he was flashing his bits and he even had some of us stroking it Then some other friends when a teen came out of the woods saying a man was flashing at them in there, I know the police were called for that one, but it shows even then, the streets were and always are rife with perverts of one kind or another.

From adulthood, I've heard so many similar stories aswell, and no we didn't know how to handle it, it didn't make us better people for having to cope with it alone.

In my day, people didn't talk about it, today we are very aware, so quite rightly parents are protective, do I think our children today are growing up stiffled by over-protective parents? Actually I don't, they still run and play, socialise with their friends, climb trees, and become independant just the same, just with a watchful eye.

I don't believe in ever frightening children or even telling them why some of us prefer to pick up and drop our children off, most just think it normal,  IME it has not stiffled independance in any way shape or form.

But, I don't blame any parent for continually watching out for their child. Unfortunately we are aware, with awareness you choose to ignore and hope nothing ever happens or you keep watch from a distance without frightening your child, neither is wrong just personal preference.

With the OP's example, I think if there were perhaps 4 children all walking to the OP's house the other parents would have felt happier, but 2 girls as a parent I may well be worried so understand the other parents worries too.

I think its fine as well as you say in a few months they will be at secondary school so will travel possibly a lot farther alone. I think you are being responsible.

I totally agree with you Carrington. I certainly had quite a few unpleasant experiences as a child on my own which I didn't feel able to tell my parents.
I think it's quite possible to give children too much independence as well as too little and we do have to try to protect our children from harm.

I walked home on my own from 9 and both my parents idolised me so it wasnt they couldnt be bothered. 

To be honest I think it is quite okay.

Every mother to there own, I used to walk home on my own in junior school, But! I never let my children walk home alone until senior school. My daughter does not let her 12 year old walk home alone, she takes her to the bus stop were she catches the bus with friend, then she also meets the bus in the afternoon. It is hard to put an old head on young shoulders.

Denese

I let mine walk home from 9 yrs old with neighbours' children.  At first I used to follow at a discrete distance just to put my mind at rest. I needn't have worried though, they loved their independence and always walked straight to school.

I didn't quite take the same tack as JG when it came to strangers and being polite though.  I told my children not to talk to stangers who tried to attract their attention which might be consrued as rude.  I told them that if someone they didn't know called them over to ask for directions or something then they were to ignore that person and pretend they didn't hear.  If the person was dodgy then you did the right thing; if the person was honest and trustworthy they should understand that you must not talk to strangers; if they didn't understand, tough.

I didn't have any problems with any of my children walking to school. It was a good starting point from which to allow them more independence as they grew older. If your children go to your local neighbourhood school then there are always going to be other children walking at the same time so it's not like their group is totally on their own. It also depends upon the children involved though.  Some children will need supervision for much longer, it's up to the parents' discretion and as denese has pointed out it depends where you live. I wouldn't allow my child to walk alone in downtown Bronx ;-)

I was terrified when my daughter decided to backpack Australia when she was just 19 but her independence saw her through.  In fact, I was mortified when I heard once she'd been there 3 months that she'd decided to travel up the east coast but one friend had flown to the west coast and another went to Sydney. As worried as I was I doubt I would have coped and wondered if she would have had she not been given the gradual build up of independence over her childhood.  She's since been to New Zealand on her own and plans to go to India next

Funny story:

Where I used to live a clan of us mothers used to get together for coffee mornings and the odd evening out and we all knew each other and our children very well.

One day coming home in the car from school with my boys, there was a heavy rainstorm, I passed the 13 year old daughter of one of my friends, she was absolutely drenched, no coat so I pulled over and offered her a lift home, she very politely said that she had promised her parents she would never get in anyones car, I gave her my rain mac from the boot and told her she was a very good girl and drove off.

Her mother rang a little later to apologise that her daughter had not taken my lift, I told her she should be very, very, proud of her daughter and that no offence had been taken and that her daughter had absolutely done the right thing.

I said to my boys, if that had been Sandra the girls mum, would you have taken the lift, they both said, are you kidding course we would! :-D

I find it a bit sad that she didn't feel able to trust her mother's friend. :-(

I understand what you are saying, my boys were obviously able to work out, friend of mum's so it would be ok :-)

But on the other hand, this is where children may come a little unstuck in being able to weigh up, who is 100% safe and who may not be, also who may not be a safe driver, never mind any other worries. I guess I would rather a child stick completely to their promise than try to decide, (many adults have come unstuck never mind children) who they should and should not get into a car with.

Rose West was a mother and Myra Hindly was also trusted, I think the girl did the right thing, I do agree it is sad though I feel it was more a promise than an issue of trust, I did feel a little hurt I guess, but then I corrected that thought, her parents had taught her to do the safe thing and she couldn't differentiate. ;-)