Dear Horse,

I love you very much, and I truly cherish your presence in my life. I would never wish to criticize you in any way. However, there are a few trivial details regarding our relationship that I think might bear your consideration.

First of all, I am already aware that horses can run faster than I can. I do not need you to demonstrate that fact each time I come to get you in from the field.

Please remember that I work long and hard to earn the money to keep you in the style to which you have become accustomed. In return, I think you should at least pretend to be glad to see me, even when I'm carrying a bridle instead of a bucket of feed.

It should be fairly obvious to you that I am a human being who walks on only two legs. I do not resemble a scratching post. Do not think that, when you rub your head against me with 1,000 pounds of force behind it, I believe that it wasn't your intention to send me flying. I am also aware that stomping on my toes while you are pushing me around is nothing but adding injury to insult.

I understand I cannot expect you to cover your nose when you sneeze, but it would be appreciated if you did not inhale large amounts of dirt and manure prior to aiming your sneezes at my face and shirt. Also, if you have recently filled your mouth with water you do not intend to drink, please let it all dribble from your mouth BEFORE you put your head on my shoulder. In addition, while I know you despise your worming medication, my intentions in giving it to you are good, and I really do not think I should be rewarded by having you spit half of it back out onto my shirt.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that you are confused about the appropriate roles you should play in various situations. One small bit of advice: Your stone-wall imitation should be used when I am mounting and your speed-walker imitation when I suggest that we proceed on our way, not vice versa. Please also understand that jumping is meant to be a mutual endeavor. By "mutual", I mean that we are supposed to go over the jump together. You were purchased to be a mount, not a catapult.

I know the world is a scary place when your eyes are on the sides of your head, but I did spend a significant amount of money to buy you, and I have every intention of protecting that investment. Therefore, please consider the following when you are choosing the appropriate behavior for a particular situation:

When I put your headcollar on you, attach one end of a lead rope to the headcollar, and tie the other end of the lead rope to a post or ring or whatever, I am indicating a desire for you to remain in that locale. I would also like the headcollar, lead rope, post, etc., to remain intact. While I admit that things like sudden loud noises can be startling, I do not consider them to be acceptable excuses for repeatedly snapping expensive new lead ropes (or headcollars or posts) so that you can run madly around the yard creating havoc in your wake. Such behavior is not conducive to achieving that important goal that I know we both share --- decreasing the number of times the veterinarian comes out to visit you.

By the same token, the barn aisle was not designed for the running of the Derby and is not meant to serve as a racetrack. Dragging me down the aisle in leaps and bounds is not how "leading" is supposed to work, even if someone happens to drop a saddle on the floor as we're passing. Pulling loose and running off is also discouraged (although I admit it does allow you to run faster).

I assure you that blowing pieces of paper do not eat horses. While I realize you are very athletic, I do not need a demonstration of your ability to jump 25 feet sideways from a standing start while swapping ends in midair, nor am I interested in your ability to emulate both a racehorse and a bucking bronco while escaping said piece of paper. Also, if the paper were truly a danger, it would be the height of unkindness to dump me on the ground in front of it as a sacrificial offering to expedite your escape.

When I ask you to cross a small stream, you may safely assume that said stream does not contain crocodiles, sharks, or piranhas, nor will it be likely to drown you. (I have actually seen horses swimming, so I know it can be done.) I expect you to be prepared to comply with the occasional request to wade across some small body of water. Since I would like to be dry when we reach the other side of the stream, deciding to roll when we're halfway across is not encouraged behavior.

I give you my solemn oath that the trailer is nothing but an alternate means of transportation for distances too long for walking. It is not a lion's den or a dragon's maw, nor will it magically transform into such. It is made for horses, and I promise you that you will indeed fit into your assigned space. Please also bear in mind that I generally operate on a schedule, and wherever we're going, I would really like to get there today.

For the last time, I do not intend to abandon you to a barren, friendless existence. If I put you in a turn-out paddock, I promise that no predators will eat you, and I will come back in due time to return you to your stable. It is not necessary to run in circles, whinny pathetically, threaten to jump the fence, or paw at the gate. Neither your stable mates nor I will have left the premises. The other horses standing peacefully in adjacent paddocks amply demonstrate that it is possible to enjoy being turned out for exercise.

Finally, in closing, my strong and gentle companion, I would like to point out that, whatever might happen between horses and their people, we humans will always love you. In fact, our bonds with you help create new bonds among ourselves, even with total strangers. Wherever there are horses, there will be "horse people", and for the blessings you bestow upon us, we thank you.

Most sincerely yours,

Your Adoring Owner
 

Ha ha, thats good, very long so skimmed most of it, but was good reading :)

Very good enjoyed reading it LOL

Gonna post this on my horse's stable wall! ;-)

In similar vein for our canines.

Dear Dog,
Author Unknown

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact,if the newspapers bothered to publish those irritating "body-mass indices" that my wife so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure that we would discover that you have far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary.

The way you visually track each bite of food I take, with trembling expression of frantic pleading is most annoying. I realize you've been fed by the children at the table, but only when it's been I, and not my wife,who has been cooking, which rarely happens now that we've discovered pizza delivery.

Speaking of walks, we've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy. And would you please stop rolling in roadkill? Dead animals smell like well like dead fish. There's a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something -- it is NOT coincidence.

Here's a news flash: Our next door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dog, you're about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: balloons, crayons, socks. I can show you evidence in the yard. Stop eating them: they are not food!

I don't mind rolling down the window for you when we're in the car. I don't even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head out or in, that's all I ask.

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but nothing of value is hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure!

The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat: she doesn't eat anything that costs less than a dollar an ounce.

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn't mean that you do too. Did you think that we wouldn't notice all the dog fur on our bedspread when we get home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don't work we're allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop licking my face because your internal clock says it's time for breakfast. Don't dogs DO weekends?

Look, you make me crazy sometimes, but I suppose I have to admit that even though you're lazy (you probably won't even bother to read this letter) and don't seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You're the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the window when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat.

After nine years of living with you, I suppose my life just wouldn't be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

and another:

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to ! sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Author Unknown

Love the doggy ones could I pass them on to others please.

I found them on the net.

Oh, the horse one was too funny!!!!  I think my aunt will get a kick out of it.  Absolutely hilarious.  (Rethinks the idea of getting a farm, and getting horses)

Permission to crosspost?????

Help yourself I got it from elsewhere anyway.