i have a friend and her son trains my dogs with me in agility and he is doing ever so well, now he wants to come to some shows with me i have no problem with this as my children all get on with him etc, but some of the shows are camping shows and i said i am quite happy for him to come away with us all, his mother is fine with the idea, but his dad is not, no reason but just unhappy with it, he is 12 years old and has put in a lot of work with the training and running my dogs, his family does not have dogs  but the love of what he is doing just shines through in him
i have not mentioned camping to him, just to his parents i feel sorry for him as he will know when we are all going away as i will not be training that weekend, or through the week if it is a week show and i really don't know what to say if his father has said he is not allowed to go, i don't want to say to him your dad has said no so i am sorry you can't come.
if this was your child and you have known the person most of your life that is training your child and they have stopped over at the house and practically lived the summer holidays with the other family and their children would you feel uncomfortable letting them go away on holiday well it is not really a holiday it is working the dogs and helping out on rings etc
what would any of you do or say,
do you think i should say to the dad well you bring him to us every day then , i have told the other family it will cost them nothing for him to come with us, he will just have to rough it with us all.
carolann

For what it's worth, my 12 year old has been going on holiday with her best friend and her family for the past couple of years.

Are there any issues about the sleeping arrangements, privacy when undressing etc that might be concerning the father?  Different families have different standards about these things.

Why not suggest the father brings a tent and camps with you (at the side or different part of the field) that way he can still be with his son??

That's a good idea Tracey123. I once fed a jam sandwich a child who was always at our house and his mother came round to sort me out! It seems I must of thought she didn't feed him?????? Some people are really quite stange about their kids, it's just one of those things.

Try not to take it as an insult to yourself I'm sure it is not personal at all, the dad is obviously happy for his son to spend so much time with you and your family and has been happy for him to sleep at your home, so it is not a mistrust issue of yourself.

Just to give you an insight into perhaps the mind of the father, when I went to stay with my cousin many, many years ago a 5 year old girl playing just outside whom my cousin knew well disappeared from the neighbourhood, as a 9 year old child I joined in the search with the neighbourhood and unfortunately the child was found murdered the horror of that experience stayed with me.

My husband's 11 year old brother was killed whilst crossing a zebra crossing. Both incidents have made us very protective parents, I don't leave anyone to care for my boys except me and close family, my boys friends can come and stay with us and do very frequently, but very rarely do my boys stay at their friends houses, we have just recently had my sons best friend come on holiday with us, and we happily take their friends to theme parks etc, but neither of us would be comfortable it being the other way around, I'm in constant protection mode in a relaxed way, so that my sons don't notice. ;-) well they do, but they understand and have a great sense of humour about it.

If my son was to come with you camping at a show I would be in panic zone I'm afraid worried of abductions etc in the night, you name it I would not sleep!! :-D  Overly protective perhaps but my husband and I are all too aware of the bad things that can happen.

I'm quite relaxed about school trips and holidays for some reason probably because of numbers and plenty of teachers, but I just would not relax at the thought of another parent looking out for my child, I would never forgive myself if anything happend. I am my child's protector and it is a job I take very seriously and I happily extend that to my boys friends/girlfirends too, the parents know I will guard and care for their children with my life. (I should have been a GSD :-D)

Perhaps this boys father is also of the same mind, mind you if it were me and my son was so interested in training and enjoyed being with you so much I would definitely come too so that he did not miss out. If the boy asks just be honest and say well you can come with us if your parents agree, it is down to them to explain then isn't it, or for one of them to come and enjoy the experience too.

I think Carrington may have hit the nail on the head there.
Whilst I too am happy for other kids to stay here, come on holiday etc I never let mine go :( I just don't feel happy letting them out of my sight - true they have stayed at my sisters' which is only 10 miles away, but I'm constantly checking that they are safely indoors, not outside near the main roads etc.
And as for camping, I too would be in a panic zone I remember when I had to let one of them go to Dol-y-moch for the weekend with the school, I just couldn't let my fears spoil it for him BUT luckily a teacher friend was going and although the kids weren't allowed calls home other than on the night to say they had arrived safely she had her mobile so I could keep in touch - which made it worse in the end cos she would tell me on daily basis what the children had been up to, rock climbing, canoeing etc and I had to tell her to stop cos she was stressing me out!! :P :P but I never stopped worrying until he was safely back home in doors :rolleyes:

I understand too - I wouldn't allow my daughters to do the Prince's Trust as they had to camp :rolleyes:
Probably over protective but that's how some parents feel!

I'm the same over mine. I wouldn't say anything to the lad about coming with you, and I certainly wouldnt say anything to him about his Dad not letting him come. If he asked could he come, I would  tell him its something he would first have to discuss with his parents, then they would have to sit and discuss it with me. That lets them explain the situation to him, without you becoming involved. Don't tell him 'yes, if your parents agree' because thats putting presure on them, and could cause a bit of ill feeling between the child and his Dad if he puts his foot down. just leave it open.

I think it's a shame. At 12 years old has he not been away to Scout camp a few times, or on holiday with friends? It's a shame when parents limit their children's experiences and cramp their development. :( Definitely suggest to the father that he brings the boy over every day, and perhaps he'll change his mind after a few days and allow him to stay.

Being a parent is very hard. By the age of 12 my own children were starting to make those beginning steps away from home which has helped them to become independent, self reliant adults. Everyone's way of dealing with things is different and I can understand the reservations parents have about this sort of situation but by allowing them small steps to independence they start to learn how to deal with the world and all it's foibles.

We have always had other people's children to stay and I have also let my children stay at or go on holiday with other children and their parents. Yes I have worried while they have been in someone else's care but that is part and parcel of being a parent. Accidents can happen or situations can arise with even the most careful of parenting and children have to learn to be able to deal with these. Life is a risk but is there for living - eventually our children fly the nest and have to be out there taking responsibility for themselves so giving them access to gradual independence helps ease them along that route IMHO. :)

My children have had friends whose lifestyle and priorities in life have been very different to our own but it is all experience for them and I have found that seeing how other families live has actually made them appreciate their own family life and realise that the world is full of different people with different ideas.

At 12 my late father-in-law left the children's home and started full-time work. Extreme for nowadays, but children should be encouraged to be independent as much as possible.

Letting them go is hard, but worrying about them is a fact of life, and never stops, no matter how old they are. The worrying stops only when the loving stops.

Might the distance involved be a factor. I am a bit of a worrier myself and tend to think that I have to be able to get there should something happen - which in the case of this boy coming to your house the parents know they can always get there if they need to.  Maybe if there is a show that isnt too far away try asking the parents about that one as a trial....

Maxine

think we might of sorted it, hopefully
the dad is going to come for the first night i think to see how we do things,as i said to him at the weekend come with us then, i have a tent if you are willing to rough it, we don't take a tv with us so make sure you bring a book , radio, games etc we do, and we are all shattered by 9pm at night so do not excpect any of us to be up partying all night as we  start our mornings by 7am dogs walked, rings set out, running errands etc, it is a working holiday for us all,
his dad said what about going to the pub or anything like that i said you must be joking we can be miles from civilization you want milk there may be a cow in the field, the look of horror on his face,
so he is comming for the first night, his son is not amused said to him, dad she treats me like one of her own, we all get told off, we have strict bounderies and we are all expected to pull our own weight when we go to shows, we have to run the scores , and pick up poles and leads and do what we are told, but i said no let your dad come and he turned on his heel and said well you won't like it because you won't get a lie in and you will have to cook your own breakfast as mum won't be there, will you mam he shouts, to which the reply was oh no i am stopping at home going to enjoy the silence have fun she said to her hubby, and winked at us, so at least that is sorted so he will at least see how a large agility show works and is busy and the children do not have time to get into trouble, apart from when us adults start water fights and play rounders or cricket etc with lots of cheating, only by the children i should hasten to add, so thank  you everyone replying to this question
carolann

Sounds like great fun - have you got space for a 14 year old and a 9 year old ????  :D

no problem, the funny thing is when i go to a show the amount of kids i usually end up with is funny, they may not all stop with us, but they all eat with us, and my lot do the same with other children they say i am off to have tea at such and such and they show me the caravan they are off to,
we have had about 6 kids stopping in a 3 man tent and when i get up in the morning and look out the window of the caravan , you see legs or heads sticking out the tent , and then when they slowly start and wake up at the smell of breakfast being cooked, i feel like i am on a production line dealing out the grub,
the children may not see each other from year to year, but they all greet each other like long lost friends and go off to catch up with all the gossip etc,
one year there was a child missing from the normal gang that meets up at a certain show and the children where all asking where such and such was, we had to get all the children together and tell them that the little girl had passed away a few weeks before, we only just found out ourselves as the parent had phoned some one at the site and we had to inform the children , they were understandable upset, they all got together at the disco on the night and dedicated a song to her and every one danced and sang,
i know kids get a raw deal a lot of the time, but these kids are brilliant and i know my lot love getting ready for the show season .
carolann

Well I think the dad sounds like a caring parent, in this day and age its almost dangerous to let the kids out of your sight (remember Sarah, and Holly and Jessica, and the kids taken from their beds when on school trips, one girl attacked as she slept in her bed on a school trip). There are so many dangerous people about today, that can snatch a kid from under your nose, and travel to the other side of the country with a fast car and the excellent road system we have today, almost before you even know they are missing.  I think it is good for a parent to be over cautious. At least he is willing to go and spend time himself, rather than just say no. Then, of course, there is all the bad press about dogs attacking, and although the Ops dogs may be fine, that does not mean all the dogs there are. Its difficult for parents today to find the happy medium between allowing a child to develop and see all the sights and sounds, yet keep them safe and protected. I think his views are to be respected, because at the end of the day, this is his child and his views. Maybe when the child is a couple of years older, he may feel more confident with letting him go off. I just hope this has not caused to much conflict between the parents and the child :)