I know that this is an extremely sensitive subject and its a matter of personal choice, but I could really do with some advice. We lost a dear friend last week aged 42 sadly leaving behind his wife and three children and it is the funeral tomorrow. My 9 year old son Jordan is very close to their son and he has been over at our house today to play. When we took him home this evening, his mum asked me if I would like to bring Jordan to the funeral as she feels it will help their son. I didn't give a direct answer because I hadn't even considered taking Jordan and hubby & I were planning on going to the service and commital but not to the wake as hubby has to get back to work. I really don't know what to do for the best, Jordan has asked me if he can go but he has never experienced a funeral before and to be honest I don't really feel they are a place for children unless immediate family but at the same time I feel that if we can make things even the slightest bit easier for the family then we should. I know that nobody can make the decision for me but I would love to hear of other peoples views and if anyone can offer any advice on how to prepare Jordan if we do take him.

Thanks for 'listening'

I would guess if she asked, she would be glad if he did. You can speak to your son about the service and let him decide, it is a tough call but openess is the best thing and you may well be doing a favour all around. The less mystique the better in my mind.
It really is a tough one though your son should choose and know it will be a sad occasion.
Good luck to you and sorry that you have to face this.
Karen

I would not normally think it appropriate to take a child to a funeral unless it was a close relative but as the widow had especially asked and Jordan does want to go I think I would seriously consider it.  Funerals are generally solemn and dignified affairs which I think children appreciate but I think if you do decide to take him you would have to take some time to explain that sometimes people get upset and cry.  It is, of course, especially important that he knows his friend may be pretty upset and he needs to think about whether that would be too upsetting for him.  I don't think any child should be responsible for the job of making it easier for the other child but if you and him think he is up to it I don't see why you should not do it.

Hi Hayley, so sorry to hear about your friend.
It is a very difficult decision to make, and like you say at the end of the day it is only you that can decide.
I have a 7 year old son, and I believe that if we was in your situation where my son knows the son whos family member had died, then I would talk to my son and tell him why we have funerals to say goodbye to people that have passed away, and if he wanted to go to support his friend then so be it.
That is the way I would deal with it, explain to him what actual happens at funerals and why we are all there.
Sorry I not much help.

I think it is a cultural thing.  In catholic countries like Poland and Irelasn it woudl be the norm fo r kids to attend a funeral, in fact in small communities everyone goes to the funeral when soemone dies, even if they don't really know the person that well.

It is a difficult decision to make and I can't really offer any advice, but when I was (much) younger, my Mum was put in the same sort of position.  Being quite a mature 9/10 Mum asked me if I wanted to go, and I did.  To this day I'm glad I went, and appreciate Mum asking me if I wanted to.

Lisa

I think we are turning back to a better attitude to death than we used to have. I never went to funerals when I was a child even including my Grandfather's who died when I was 15!!

I had a total fear of death not of the death itself but the grief of those left behind. My friend has 3 sons grown up now in their 20s and 30s and they are so good with death so supportive and caring I aspire to be like them and i'm in my 50s

I would talk to your son and if he still wants to go let him

I don't think funerals are the place for very young children who can't stay still and sit quiet, being the nature of little ones. Which is why we didn't take our 18mth old to his grandads funeral many years ago.

Mine were primary school age, I think 7 and 9, when they went to a lovely aunts funeral. (their great aunt) They were very close to her, and asked if they could go. Mine are well behaved when out, and can  be very sensible. I talked through everything with them, including actually seeing the coffin and knowing the lady would be in it, and then being placed in the ground. I told them people would be very upset, me included, and they would be too but that would be ok, crying was normal. We had lots of talks, and the ladys daughter was happy with them attending.

They were wonderful, although did we get some looks and 'loud whispered' comments about children not being allowed at funerals! My youngest did become a bit distressed as the coffin was taken down the aisle, and was tearful throughout, but recovered well outside in the churchyard. Both were exceptionally well behaved, something which was very openly commented on at the wake afterwards. They talk now, and it is something they remembered, and both are pleased they were allowed to go.

If you feel your son is mature enough to cope, then let him go with you, but don't take him simply to support his friend. This is an awful lot for your son to carry, the grief at a funeral hits us all, even those not related, and he may find it hard coping with his friends grief. We can't protect our kids from everything, and only you know what is best for your son.

I think you should speak to your son about it and let him decide.  As someone previously said, I think the 'mystery' of funerals is sometimes scarier than the actual event.  It may also be better for him that his first funeral isn't a close family member in some respects.

I can't remember how old I was when I first went to a funeral (maybe around 9 or 10).  I was supposed to stay at home with someone, but when it came to everyone going in the cars, I said that I wanted to go too and my parents decided just to take me (probably didn't have much time to think about it).  It was a sombre affair, but, in many respects, I think going to a funeral at a young-ish age takes the horror out of them if you're in the situation of a close family member dying when you're older and you don't know what to expect.

Hi Hayley

I personally would let him go as funerals are not something to be afraid of. It is part of life and I think children should be exposed to things as early as possible so it is not an issue in later life.

The death of a person is very sad but people should always remember that it should be a celebration of that persons life and also I am sure it would be a great comfort to the family.

Lucy
xx

That's what it's taken me nearly 50 years to learn Lucy

Decisions about letting our children attend funerals was always dependent on closeness to the deceased and the child's willingness to go. Thus they attended a grandfather's funeral when they were six and nine respectively.  My grandson attended his great-grandfather's funeral at eighteen months as my mother felt it marked the continuation of the family and life in general.

This is ironic as she wouldn't let me attend funerals until I was in my teens and so I found the first one scary in anticipation and a huge let-down in actuality as my 'knowledge' about such things had been gleaned from TV and films - not the most reliable source.

from a personnal point of view i was never allowed to go to a funeral as a child, infact the very 1st one i went to was when i was in my 30's & my dads! I am glad i didnt go as a child, i dont think its the place for a child.

Thankyou for all you veiws/advice. Hubby and I had a chat with the little one this morning and explained everything - to be honest I dont think that Jordan could see any further than a 'party' afterwards. We decided that it was best for him to go to school but to stop at 11am and say a prayer for Tom and family which he was quite happy with. Our support will continue indefinately - just being here for them and helping out with childcare etc... Jordan has spoke with Little Tom tonight and he is ok bless him. Today has been extremely emotional  :-(

You know your son, and if I were you I would trust your feelings. I too don't think death is something to hide, but the heavy feelings of sadness and grief at a funeral can be very overpowering for a young child. The prayer at 11 sounds lovely. This may sound a silly question, but the school do know? Just in case your son needed support, they would be prepared for it.

You sound wonderful, caring and supportive, and I offer my condolances at this very sad time.

Like alot of things it very much depends on the child.  If your son wants to go, you think he will be ok, he is wanted there and he will be of some comfort to one of the children who lost their father then I think it would be a good idea.  BUT at the end of the day it is entirely your decision and no-one can tell you if you should take your son or not.

personally I have always been to funerals where I have been inveited.  My mum has never hidden death from myself or my brother :) 

But it's up to you!  Only you know what is right for your son.

Sorry to hear about this very sad news :( 
It's a difficult decision for you, but as Jordan has asked if he can go he is a close friend of one of the children then I'd say take him along.  You'll be with him to give him moral support and he'll be able to give support to his friend too.