I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

    I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or moaner.

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
    elected.

    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
    you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

    Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
    I have stayed alive.

    Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

     Every time I walk into a singles bar I can  hear Mom's wise words:
    "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but a true  friend
    will be sitting next to you saying, "Boy .. that was fun!"-

    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
    clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
    up in the first  place!

    When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just  "chunky
    dunk."

    The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is  eating them.

    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be  able to tell the
    difference.

    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we  messed up our life we could simply
    press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all  over?

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you  haven't
    fallen asleep yet.

    My wife says I never listen to her (at  least I think that's what she
    said).

    Just remember .. if the world  didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    Why is it that our children can't  read a Bible in school, but they can
    in prison?

    If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
    with something called  LABOUR!

    Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
    cells live forever.

 

Fantastic :D :D :D

:-) nice one