Hi everyone

Sorry for complaining but I'm feeling quite low and would appreciate some advice from the posters here.  I shan't go into too much detail but basically until October I was in a relationship (5 years).  We were supposed to be getting married last month but for various reasons it all fell apart.  Although we broke up six months ago we still get on very well on a friendly basis so until last month we shared a flat.  I realised that we couldn't go on living together forever so a month ago I moved out and now live alone.  That was quite odd at first but I'm now getting used to my new flat.  What I'm really worried about is how this change will affect Cashie (our whippet).  He'll be two next month and we've had him from seven weeks, until now apart from his breeder he's lived only in our old flat with me and my ex.

My ex works in the City and puts in very long hours so we decided that it would be best for Cashie to live with me most of the time as I can take him to work.  We don't have a concrete agreement but my ex usually takes him for some or all of the weekend, depending on his job. 

We both love Cashie and feel that whatever has happened between us, we took him on as a puppy and it's our responsibility to look after him for the rest of his life.  However I worry that the change in situation will affect Cashie in a negative way.  He doesn't seem to be too bothered but I worry that moving between two homes isn't fair on him and I'd appreciate any advice/support.  He's always been quite a sensitive dog and I did notice that during the last few months of our relationship, he got quite distressed during arguments.  When I'm in the same room as my ex now, Cashie seems slightly fearful and edgy, as though he's expecting us to start screaming at one another.

I'm also concerned because no matter what, it's inevitable that Cashie's now going to be left alone more.  I wouldn't leave him all day (not that I'm condemning owners who work, I know plenty of happy dogs whose owners work full time but I know it wouldn't happen with Cashie).  The way my shifts fall means that one week I work 9-7 Mon-Thu.  These days I take Cashie with me.  We walk to work which takes about an hour and he has a good run at lunchtime but I know it's not ideal for him to be in the surgery with me all day.  However I do my best to entertain him and he gets lots of attention from the other staff and from clients.  On alternate weeks I work 8-3 and on these days I leave Cashie at home.  I live in a flat above another surgery owned by our group and the nurse who works there lets Cashie out.  It's a really quiet surgery so he has company most of the day. 

My cat disappeared when he saw the removal van so for the first week he stayed at the old flat.  Cashie seems much more settled now that the cat is here.  Having said all this, I realise that the situation is not ideal but I'm trying to do the best I can.  I can't really afford to work part time now and I can't see how I can improve things for Cashie.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling a bit but I'd really value anyone's opinion or ideas.  Essentially I suppose I want to know

1.  Do you think I'm being cruel leaving Cashie alone for longer than he's used to?
2.  Would he be happier were I to rehome him?
3.  Is it desperately confusing for him to spend some of the week with me and some with my ex?

Rehoming him would break my heart and I'd do anything to avoid it but I see well-meaning but misguided owners every day, who really cannot provide their dog with the home it deserves.  They almost always fail to see the problem and I'm so worried that I can't see the wood for the trees, so to speak.

Regarding the two homes issue, my ex and I both love Cashie a great deal and want him to spend time with both of us.  He's always really pleased to see us but again I worry that I'm not being fair and perhaps an objective outsider would see things differently.

Anyway, I apologise again for going on but I'm so confused and really want to do what's best.  Dammit, it's so easy to give advice to others but I'm hopeless when it comes to my own situation.

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.  Next post will hopefully be more upbeat...

M-C

Hi Mary Caroline - I'm sorry to hear about your change in circumstances and wish you well on building a bright and positive new future.  Both you and your ex partner are to be congratulated for remaining civilised and sensitive to one anothers needs and of course to Cashie :)

Re your questions:-

>1.  Do you think I'm being cruel leaving Cashie alone for longer than he's used to?

No - not at all.  None of us (or at least only a very lucky few) can categorically state that our circumstances be it personal relationships, family ties, our employment, financial comfort (or lack of it) etc will never change for the duration of our pets' lifetimes.  Cashie will adapt as no doubt thousands - nay millions - of dogs have before him :)

>2.  Would he be happier were I to rehome him?

I think not :)  You love him and so does your ex - you are both committed to his welfare so unless things (God forbid) take a turn for the worse in your situation, Cashie will be perfectly happy when he get into his new routine.

>3.  Is it desperately confusing for him to spend some of the week with me and some with my ex?

It's not like he's going to a strange person or strange environment when visiting your ex so there should be no worries there.  Equally he's devoted to you so anywhere you are he's going to be a happy bunny!  It may be mildly confusing at first but he'll overcome that - be assured of that.

HTH, very best wishes, Teri :)

IMHO most dogs are very adaptable.  Of course it is essential that his basic needs are met, but I am sure he will be just fine as you seem to have those well covered.

Good luck with your future

Sorry to hear about the change in circumstances.  It's very good that you've been able to stay friendly. :)

I think that you've a brilliant system worked out for Cashie!  He's hardly ever completely on his own, one way and another.  Dogs cope very well to different homes and often behave differently in each.  For instance I only use titbits for traing my dogs and at no other time, but when my parents used to look after them, they would sit in a line in the kitchen, by the cupboard that had the biscuits in! :)  They wouldn't dream of doing that at home because they knew that they'd not get one there!

Just keep doing what you're doing Mary-Caroline, giving Cashie plenty of time and attention - but don't forget to do the same for yourself. :D

I think Cashie's got a great thing out of this.  It's brilliant that the pair of you can still put so much time into your dog.  I definitely wouldn't rehome him as I'm sure by the sounds of things that your dog couldn't have a better life than it's having now.

Unfortunately in our lifetime we have many changes and we all just have to adapt with them.

Good luck Cashie and I think you all need a pat on the back for thinkng so much about your dog.

just to agree with everyone else, i think you are doing everything for your dog, obviously you have been through an emotional time and are worrying about him, but I dont think you need to. my dog would love the life he leads! all that attention!

Dogs are very sensitive to our emotional state so if you're happy, Cashie will be happy :) The schedule you have worked out for him sounds fine and, as has already been said, dogs are excellent at adapting to fit around our lives ;)

I agree with everyone else - I'm sure that he will be fine with your new arrangements :) Best wishes for your new life :)

Daisy

I also agree, under the circumstances he will be fine, he has someone to pop in from downstairs when you are out for those few days, he will be much happier staying with you than being re-homed, you pretty much have everything covered and are doing your best for him.

I have a very dear friend with a GSD she split from her husband and Sam then 5 was very much loved by both, he also spent the weekends with his 'dad' and the week with his 'mum' it worked out great and he was perfectly happy.

Dogs do adapt to all situations, as long as he is loved and cared for he quite frankly won't care if he lives in a tent! :-)

After reading your situation, I think Cashie has it way better than MANY other dogs! You are thinking about his welfare every step of the way, even on the days you are at work without him, he is getting care and comanionship that you have arranged for him. I definitely think he will be far happier in this situation than if he was rehomed! I also dont think it will cause much confusion to him to stay at both houses, as he will be visiting the people that he loves, once he understands that he see's both of you on a regular basis, I think he will be a very happy boy!

To add a point I've not seen mentioned yet -SEE how he is and reacts. When I got divorced, I took 7 out of the 8 dogs with me. (Ex got to keep the kids -good bargain eh?! :p )  One of the dogs has ever since then REFUSED to go inside my ex's house. For whatever reason, if we arrive there, he will not even as much as leave the car. I think he simply associates the place with arguments etc.  The others however have never been bothered about visiting. So I'd say some of it will depend on the dog.

Well, to be honest I think he will be HAPPIER with the situation now, rather than the situation as was...with the arguements etc! He just needs to feel loved and have a happy environment! I'm sure he's got that now and hopefully soon so will you! All the best and try to keep positive okay? love Dawn X

when my oh and his former wife split up, ruggs, the family dog must have been about 8 and had lived in this house from puppyhood. oh and ex-wife had shared custody of the children and ruggs and it worked wonderfully well! for most of the week they lived in an adjoining village and ruggs settled into this new house without any problems but used to come here one evening a week and at weekends. on another evening in the week my oh would go over and have dinner and an evening with his children while his ex-wife was at choir practice. ruggs took all this in his stride quite happily and, to be honest, probably got more "quality" time and attention than he'd had in the argumentative years leading up to the split.

when i arrived on the scene some years later he took my appearance in his former home quite for granted and i had several very happy years of co-ownership of him too before he died (here) at the age of 17.

dogs are affected by the emotional state of their owners but also operate on a very much more basic level than humans so i'm sure your dog will settle down to the new arrangements very happily. certainly he's likely to be much more disturbed by being rehomed so i wouldn't consider make this heartbreaking decision.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.  I can't tell you how much better it's made me feel and it really helps to hear about other dogs who have adapted to a similar situation.  Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your views and experiences.

M-C