HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Works for me!

"My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman.
You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton." -- Chic Murray

:o)

"Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'" -- Joe Namath

:o)

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." -- Bill Cosby

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While an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resource manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, stabbing others in their backs, and pushing their luck!"

==============

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw, and the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. . .  I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly a member of upper management."


****************************


Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Loved them.  Needed something to cheer me up having an extremely bad week at the moment.  What with dogs and people breaking into my van  You can tell how bad things must be as I haven't put any smilies on here.

Ohhh poor you SWD!!!! What a swine of a week....little prayers going your way Hun XXX (A little 'Ribena' that the 'girls' like will do you the world of good!!!

aww {{Hugs}} for SWD (or is something alcoholic in order?? failing that MichelleD's got chocolate!!!! :D)

:D :D cheered my frazzle brain too Newf thanks!! :D
Like the last one and the housework one!!

:D :D very good, loved the housework one ;)

Great jokes!!

Sorry to hear about your horrible week SWD. 

Sarah.

Got one today from an Irish friend ...

Paddy and Murphy were walking to the pub when a lorry carrying turf went past, Paddy says, "When I'm rich, that's what I'm going to do, send the lawn away to be cut."

:D :D

Love that one too!