Hi guys,

I could really do with some advice for my dilema :-)

A very good friend of mine is 36 weeks pregnant with her first baby and she decided to have a home birth, doctors and midwifes confirmed ok (but obviously see how things will be progressing when the time comes) and she's doesn't want anything for the pain (brave girl, eh!), but she said will keep an open mind.

The thing is she lives with her husband only and doesn't have any family here so she asked me and another good friend of ours if we would be there for her i.e. when she gives birth. I accepted straight away as she really is a good friend of mine and I know it would mean a lot to her if I am there. I haven't got any children yet and I am not a squemish (sp) person. I can watch baby births all day long on Discovery, no probs!!
The other friend she invited has one grown up child and she straight away said she not sure she would want to be there and she said she thinks if wont be a good idea if I am there as I've never given birth and might get traumatised, scared etc.
My mum also agreed that it would probably be better if I don't go but be there for her afterwards.

What would you do, I am really, really confused
My friend did said that she would understand if I decide not to be there and she did ask me to think about it and only be there if I am really ok with it.

Hmmm, I'm not sure.

I have to say that I find giving birth extremely personal and I wouldn't and haven't ever had anyone other than my husband present (and several c-section staff for the 2 emergencies on my 2 latest children :D )

I guess that if she wants you there and you want to be there then I can't see a problem but just be prepared that things may go wrong, and it may be a lot different from what you are both expecting, and it may be fantastic - its all unknown :D

giving birth extremely personal

I have to agree with ChloeH in that giving birth is extremely personal.  When my twins were born (1st pregnancy), there were 15 people in on the act (not including me or OH) so all dignity flew out of the window . and after 18 hours of having my legs stapped up for all to see, finally gave birth to the first naturally and the 2nd was emergency c-section!  For my other 2 children, I insisted on natural birth with only the midwife being present, apart from OH and everything was so much more relaxed and even my husband cried when they were born (shh - don't tell anyone :D :D).

All you can do is just be supportive and be prepared for anything and everything - especially if your friend insists on no pain relief

:D :D

I would feel extremely honoured if my friend asked me to support her by being present at such a personal, and highly emotional experience.

I say, If you're comfortable with it then go for it.

I agree, if she wasnt comfortable with you being there, then she wouldnt have asked in the first place, if your ok with it, then go :)

It might even be good to have this experience of seeing one of your closest friends give birth, it will let you know what you have to go through when its your turn! lol

Im having my mum with me when i give birth, as i did last time too, she was fantastic! :D

There is an interesting point in this though... I wonder if the mum to be wouldn't be better with someone with experience aswell seeing as both the poster and the mum to be have not been through it before?

I know that I was much more relaxed with my 2nd and 3rd babies than my first I was so reliant on the midwife to tell me what was happening with my 1st...

Not sure if it matters that much - me and the OH did'nt have anyone experienced for the first one surely that's the same for everyone.  I assume a midwife will be there.

May be worth going to some classes NCT used to do good ones and I'm sure they wouldn't object to an extra person there.  It will also allow your friend and her husband to plan how they want the birth to go.

Personally I really enjoyed being at my childrens births (mind you I wasn't the one doing the hard bit :D) and wouldn't have missed it for anything.  I'd say go for it it's an exprience you'll never forget.

Have you asked her husband how he feels? Maybe he would rather you were not there but feels obliged as his wife has asked you?

I cant understand why she would want a group of people present .
I though that opting for a home birth (which I dont agree with because of what happened to me but thats another story) was to make it more personal just OH and midwife ...I can understand her wanting possibly a friend around afterwards if her family are not close by ......I understand that everyone is different ......I think only you can decide.

My midwife told me that some women like to have their dads with them when giving birth

my daughter has no one to give birth with , and she asked me if i would like to come with her  (found out yesterday what she is going to have)
i said yes, but i have only told my hubby this that i am worried about it, the reason ? she is still my daughter and to see her in pain is worrying me, as you don't want your own children to be in pain ever do you,
i know it is a pain you forget and the end result is worth it till they get to the teenage stage and then you wonder if it was all worth it:rolleyes: but i am going to be there for them both my daughter and my grandchild.
carol

I must admit, im not even keen on my bloke seeing me give birth lol I couldnt have any friends present or anyone else family wise other than my mum :) But then thats me, im a private person i suppose :)

Ive been watching these birthing programmes on Discovery and some of the women are starkers with about 10 peeps in the room with them including in laws! lol Shocking!!

I think id die if anyone other than my OH and mum saw my bits! lol (that i knew of course) Not including the midwifes though, thats their job, their seeing babies being born all day every day :D

:D My husband saw some woman fire out a baby on all 4's on Desperate Midwives and promptly went all pale :D I banned that programme thereafter!

When I was giving birth to my first it was during rounds and there must ahve been 20 people in the room with my legs in the air, at that point you don't give a damn

I was alone for the birth of my second child, it was lovley that one of the nurses on the ward opted to stay with me as I had no birthing partner. 

My Dad had even vounteered poor man, but having seen what a state he was in at the birth of his second last (he had been at the birth of most of us) I didn't want to put him through that.

I wish that someone close to me could have been with me to share the moment.

I was at the birth of my half sister with my Dad and his new wife (who is my age).  At that point I had neither had children of my own, or even had sex for that matter.

Aftyer all is said and done you don't ahve to watch the details, it isn't compulsory.  I was far to busy being suportive to the participants to watch at the business end.

I think it is a contradiction to say don't attend as you might find it traumatising.  Afterall now you've been told it's traumatising.

Personally I think it is not so much traumatising as scary because you are not sure what is actually happening (OH told me this).  He also said that as scary as it is he wouldn't have wanted to miss it.  Of course he is the dad so not the same as seeing it from friend's perspective.

If you decide to attend all I would say is that regardless of how the labour and birth turn out, short/long, straightforward or not, mums usually go on to have more children so it whatever happens it is worth it.

'If you decide to attend all I would say is that regardless of how the labour and birth turn out, short/long, straightforward or not, mums usually go on to have more children so it whatever happens it is worth it.'

Definately! Small price to pay i think for a beautiful little bambino :D

I wouldnt either say it would be traumatising to see, maybe a bit, how can i put it, gross? lol I mean lets face it, giving birth isnt the most beautiful thing in the world lol

When i was having Damian, the midwife asked if i wanted to see his head crowning using a mirror! I was like 'NO THANKS!' lol

To be honest i think id rather do it than see it lol

you don't care if you have been in labour for over 15 hours or so you don't care who sees you or what they are doing to you or who see what as they have seen it all before
you just want it out
carol

Do go and support her. If she has asked then it is a huge honour for you, I have had my own and been present for one friend with the delivery of her first child.
It is a wondrous thing and of course you wont be put off.

One thing that would bother me is the fact that NEITHER part here actually KNOWS what it is like to give birth. It can get really ugly, and many times those that are determined not to have any pain relief are those that scream the loudest for an epidural :D and also when you're in so much unexpected pain (you can never really understand until you're going through it), it's not unusual to lash out at anyone around you and call them all the names under the sun. Maybe there should be some sort of get out clause; if the mother changes her mind on the day and in the heat of the moment and wants you to go, or gets angry, or anything, you'll agree in advance to do as she wishes, and also accept that under this type of stress anything bad that is said is to be forgotten the next time you meet.

All that you have said I agree with Marianne if it is a long labour she will probably turn into' devil woman' especially if she is opting out of pain relief .....I did with pain relief...its all down to whats happening on the day some people are lucky enough to sail through it  and its all over quickly others not so lucky.

I just came back from a yoga class and it was great to see so many replies - Thank you so much :-)

Yes, I completely agree that giving birth is a very personal thing and I do fell very honored that my friend wants me to be there at such a presious time in one's life.

Just to make things clearear regarding concernes from OP; there will be a midwife there and my friend is also a midwife and although it's her first she has seen it all before :-)
We have also discussed it with her husband as I was wondering how would he feel and he actually said that he would prefer if I am there as he said he's absolutely petrified of my friens decision for a home birth as he would rather them go to hospital.

I did say to her that at anytime during the labour period if she changes her mind and wants me to leave, I would and no hard fellings at all about that.

I also feel our other friend who's been invited probably won't go and I wouldn't want my friend to feel 'abandoned' in a way, I just wouldn't be happy at all with that.

I am actually so looking forward to it even got my phone next to my bed just in case and she knows she can call me any time 24/7.

I suppose the thing that worried me the most was in case I got an unexpected 'shock' or adversity from the experience, as me & OH are planning to start a family in few years time :-)

xxx

My children have been with me when their siblings where born . Starting with the eldest, he has been at 3 births excluding his own, He was not in the least fazed  and neither were his brothers. They are all very close and seemed to take it in their stride. Ihave had 3 home deliveries , the last a water birth, being in water certainly seemed to relieve the pain. What an honour to be asked, it is so exciting.

when my daughter had her first baby, me & my OH were there along with my daughters partner, who wouldnt look until the baby was clean !!! for her second birth , the room was full, me , my OH, her partner, my other daughter & her partner & 2 midwives !!! i supose its up to the individual, personally , i was happy just to have my OH & my mummy , at my 6 births . :)

I was with my friend when she had her second child as her husband had a terrible asthma attack during the delivery of their first and had to be seen to by dr's so she didn't want to do it alone this time, especially if they had another disabled child.

It was fantastic but also painful, I had every contraction with her but was able to reassure her husband that she was ok when she started with the 'just kill me now I want to die' he kept trying to tell her she didn't, I told him ERmm yeah she does it just means the babies very close and it's intense don't worry about it it's normal. 

If ever I was asked again I'd go no problem even with my own girls if they asked me as I do feel being a mother myself you need someone to help you focus and share the experience with, the worst part was waiting for the phone call to say she'd gone into labour all of a sudden I felt like the expectant father not mother lol made me feel sorry for the guys but only for a fleeting second you understand.

Totally up to you... I want to go in when my sister inlaw gives birth, first she said yes then no which I totally understand :( just wished I had mine video taped.... I also did it natural no drugs Just hope when my daughter has a baby I will be honored if she asks me to come --- Hopefully not anytime soon though...