Has anyone ever been friends with someone for a long time and decided not to continue with that friendship?

I have been best friends with someone for almost 28 years and for the last 3 we have been moving in different directions. Tonight we decided to stop trying and let it go. We are still 'mates' (hate that word!) but I no longer have a best friend :( It feels really odd but I also feel strangely relieved. I think thats because we havent had a row or anything (come to think of it we have never had a row).

Just wondered if anyone had been through the same and how it feels after a few weeks/months.

I must sound like a kid but I have never been best friendless!

Caroline

Hi Caroline,
how did you actually decide today not to be best friends was it like breaking up with a boyfriend kinda thing...????

Usually people drift apart you know not ringing as often cant find the time for a night out etc::

I have friends that I have had for 30 years we live miles away from each other could speak twice a year and know that if you ever needed them they would always be there ...

I have always been very independant myself (a leo) never felt I  needed a best friend (eventhough I did at school) during my adult life ......i suppose my hubby is my best friend...

You sound relieved and upset at the same time .
Dont really know what else to say to you other than dont be sad your just going through the next stage in your life....

Roni

Oh no Roni your not a dreaded Leo are you So am i 

Hi Caroline, yes my best friend from when we were really young drifted apart last year only because our lives have taken different paths.  You will probably find another friend although in my opinion it's not the same as having someone who you have grown up with, they know you so well.  Take care

Warm regards Susan

Don't take this the wrong way, please, don't take this the wrong way ;)

I moved about that much when I was young I stopped having 'best friends'. I just had acquaintances as I was always afraid that we would be moving again soon. I don't have many close friends, even now. Those that become my friends will stay friends for a long time. Even when I won't see them again for maybe a year or two. What I want to say is this, if you have had ONE best friend be grateful that you were friends for such a long time. You obviously had someone there when you needed one, but you are both adults now and moving apart, as adults do. We all grow up and find different lives, especially in todays 'throw away' society. Look back on your good times and be happy. Who knows, in a few months time you might just pick up the phone and it's your friend asking how you are, and you're back to being 'best mates' again.

I had best friend for about 26 years, knew her longer than that about 34 years.  We would drop everything anytime if the other needed a chat, favour etc etc.  We had a bad falling out, the first and last, and that was that.  It was like someone had died and I went through a grieving process for a long time and even now the thought of how I felt then hurts.  We email each other from time to time but that is as far as it will ever go, it's one of those situations where you can't go back and take up where you left off.

I read somewhere that if you really think about it and count the true friends that you know you can really rely on and trust and who you would help anytime without hesitation, most people will only find they have about 5 at most.  Most friends come and go as we grow and develop and as our lives change directions.

certainly am 14 august ....

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Same as my OH Starryeyes!!  :D

To me there is no logic in believing in horoscopes etc, however .........I have one daughter who is Leo and she is confident and can boss people about without coming over as bossy (authoratitive sp?) and she is only 21.  Other daughter is Gemini and you never know what mood she is going to be in from one day to the next.  One day she is nice, helpful and chatty and the next she could be the girl off the Exorcist :rolleyes:

Son is Gemini but he is placid and even tempered and although 15 doesn't have all the teenage angst that the Gemini daughter has had

dont know a lot about horoscopes myself but a book you should read is called sun signs ..cant remember the author will get back on that one ...but its  amazing how each sign relates so well to the persons birth date.

Roni

Hi Roni and all

We have been friends since birth, lived 2 doors away from eachother, I moved 20 miles and she soon followed, both only children and we were like sisters. I have always been independant and a bit of a loner and have always thought that it didnt really suit me having a best friend, you know I just thought that if I was someone else looking at me I would think that was strange. Our friendship changed when I moved three years ago because logstically it was hard for us to see eachother like we used to (everyday!). Then the phone calls became less frequent. That was all fine with me as I am quite a practical person and just accept that relationships change but it doesnt mean that has to be a negative thing, they just change. I think though we just stopped 'getting eachother'. I am quite outspoken and she is quite needy. She felt that I was critisizing her, which I was not! In fact I have backed her up on more occassions than I can remember in public, when she was clearly wrong but she was my besty and thats what I do! She never returned the favour and its funny cause yesterday I was feeling like I must be an awful person but now I can see that lots of people warned me that she never did anything for me and stuff.

Today, after sleeping on it and hearing other peoples experiences I can see it for what it is. As much as I will always be there for her when she needs me, I feel relieved that I can concentrate on me and my new husband and our relationship without having the life sucked out of me. Its very hard when someone constantly relies on you and everyday needs your advice, pity and sympathy. I realise how many other things have suffered for this friendship and actually how selfich she was. I think your absolutely right that I am going through the next stage in my life and I feel quite excited about it. Ill meet new people and concentrate on ME for a change.

Anyway, Sox is my best friend, he'll never leave me :)

Thanks for your advice and for the opportunity to get it all off my chest. I cant talk to my other friends as we are all part of the same circle and I dont want things to be awkward. Its great to get it off my chest and to know I am not the only person to go through this.

And yes it was like breaking up with a boyf, but one who you havent argued with, you just realise you want different things. Very amicable but Very strange!

Thanks again
Caroline

you could still stay in touch as well, i think you did the right thing. I have had friends before that, the same as you, we just when our seperate ways. We still stay in touch with xmas cards with and address if u are moving ect.. And maybe one day we might find that we wanna get back in touch with each other. ;)

sarah xxxx

Hi Caroline,
So pleased you are feeling better today ....life is for living what will be will be ......go give that new hubby of yours a big  *smackeroooney*

Speak soon

Roni

Yes, was friends with someone through thick and thin for about 20 years but have *grown apart* and now find we have nothing in common at all!

However, another friend from 33 years ago ...well, we found each other again after being apart for ages ...and we are still best friends :)

I have had a friend since I was 11 years old, to this day she will still call me her best friend, which I feel sounds really silly, but she is a very sentimental person.  When I married we were still as close as ever, however after my first child she pulled away and we seemed to drift apart, I was really upset as my soulmate seemed to have disappeared and was no longer around to call up and chat with, she was always out with other friends, I felt totally dumped by her and eventually learnt to find new friends.  However when she married she seemed to come back into my life and wanted a close friendship again, which I found really hard, she had become an acquaintance to me but not a really close friend, but she acted as though we were the same as always, I always smiled and chatted away to her but never felt the same in return.

She then had her children and we still stayed in contact and went through the child rearing stage. Her marriage broke up and again she drifted away.  She then re-married and re-appeared. We had a heart to heart and she admitted that when she is happy she wants to be close friends, but when she is not happy, she is jealous of my life and can not be around me.  I had always felt this the case, but felt it too imature to be true, as I said she calls me her best friend, but I know she is not mine, I have lots of close friends and although she is the oldest one, it does not make her the best. Even though she says she could never think of a life without me.

You will find lots of friendships in your lifetime, best friends are extremely rare, but good friends come and go. And you will meet many of those, husbands our children and our animals are the most important people we will ever meet  :-)

4th of August for me Ronni

warm regards Susan

Although Id never wish upset on anyone I am glad to hear im not the only one. It sounds so silly at my age worrying about a best friend.

It does feel rather like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that has come to a conclusion. I had to "inform" my family last night as they and her mum still live 2 doors apart and I dont want things to be awkward for them. They were shocked but not suprised, as much as they care for her they have always had reservations about how one sided our relationship was. You should always listen to your Mum!

I think if we had just drifted it wouldnt even be an issue, its just that we have had the conversation which makes it so final. I think its a good thing though. We will still be friends, just not best friends and the closure of that conversation does mean we can move on.

We are meeting for a drink next week. I think after 28 years thats the least we owe eachother.

Thanks for your support, Its really appreciated.
Caroline

I think that what it is, no matter how old we are or get! We are always the same person inside, we never really change from our school days, we get wiser and a little harder, but we don't really change that much, as we get older we enjoy different things which is why we are in the habit of saying we have nothing in common with each other when really I don't actually believe we have to, a best friend is someone who is there if you need her, someone you can trust to divuldge your most private feelings and continue to be with you on your life's journey through the good times and the bad. If that is one sided and you decide the friendship does not work, then yes it is sad, I know that I initially felt heartbroken, not so much like a girlfriend/boyfriend as you tried to explain it, but loosing someone who knew you so well, it's a bit like loosing part of yourself.

I hope that you stay in touch as I have, it's still nice to know how each other are doing.

It is funny as I have been going through a similar thing with a very old friend who I have been trying to get her to admit that we need to admit we are now going in different directions but she still says there is nothing wrong. Honesty is what is needed and you can still remain friends and be there but shame sometimes it can leave a bit of a bitter taste :(

You definately arent the only one.

I had two 'best friends', and they were also great friends. As is the way with triangular things, it all went a bit poop.

Best friend H had a bad relationship, got used and used very badly. That ended and then... she set her sights on one of my very very close male friends. Now as mucha s she was my friend, i knew she wanted him for the wrong reasons, namely that he was everything her ex was not. All was relatively fine for 5 months whilst she lived with best friend B and best friend B's boyfriend who was good friends with my male friend M.

And then she came home from uni, and discovered that actually, she had nothing in common iwth M. At all.

So she blanked him out and ignored him and very badly hurt his feelings, precisely as i had predicted to best friend B when it all started, and in fact seh even admitted, she wanted M beacuse she knew i DID NOT want her to go out with him.

So she rang me up to explain that she was sorry and i told her i didnt need her any more, good bye.

And then early last year, i forgot best friend B's birthday.  A month later on MY birthday i realised and texted her to apologise (would have rang, but she doesnt 'do' phones).

Emailed as well, and got told to naff off  and didnt i understand what id done. Well, nope and i dont now either so there we go.

Im sad about that because both her and her partner were very good friends of mine, and since i dont speak to her, i cannot speak to him.

Ah well, things move on though, people want and need different things out of one another and when i look BACK on those two relationships i can see what was going on.

Best friend H always wanted to better me. I duno why im rubbish, but she wanted what i had and if i couldnt have something by GOD she wanted that to prove a point. Very bossy very controlling person.

best friend B has always been very intense, she is either extremely funny and happy or she is moody and downright NASTY. She is never ever wrong, and the reason she is no longer speaking to me is more than likely because finally, i did NOT grovel to her and tell her i was an evil person and i wanted her forgiveness. I simply apologised for forgettng her birthday, and said that just because i forgot a DATE did not mean i had forgotten HER.
I think i made it fairly clear that i wasnt going to grovel to her any longer, so there we go, its her terms or nothing and i actually prefer nothing!

Em

I think most women like to have close or best friends. I had a falling out with my best friend, who I'd known since school, as she went through a phase of coming round to see me but in fact, was more interested in seeing my male lodger. What i wanted was just for her to be straightforward about it, but she wasn't able to be, and it made me pretty cross as i felt used. Then I discovered that she and said lodger had put a veil thing over the table lamp and nearly caused a fire, again she didn't tell me when normally she would have done. I think it was a case of us both growing and changing and it was all a bit awkward.

Anyway, she eventually left with the lodger and we didn't really have anything to do with each other, time went by and that was that. Then, 7 or so years ago, we bumped in to each other at the supermarket and it was so lovely to see each other, and we picked up where we left off and have been close since. We do have some strong bonds at the end of the day :)

I think somtimes we do move on and move apart, have differing needs and so on, but also it's good to keep best friends if they can still be in one's life without it being problematic :)

I can relate to how you feel, maybe just on a smaller scale, My best friend to me is my soal mate and everytime we fall out (always over something stupid we can laugh about later) I feel just as heart broken as when I'e broken up with boyfriends!  Sometimes people have to go their seperate ways.

Congrateulations though on a long friendship....I'm 18 and have none of my close friends from when I was in my early teens! I'm too independent (capricorn for those interested) and would rather get on with work then go out and make up with friends.....

Huge hugs for you.  Think of it as a new chapter in your life from a good book (each get's better and better.)