2005 New Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, stall door will open,and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

rofl

Sounds like Tesco......

Tee hee now who can I send this to :-)

ha ha!

I got this email once and sent it out to the office, one lady there's husbands Grandmother had died and she made a complaint!! OOPS!!!

I got in BIG trouble!!

lol brill sounds likemy workplace :)

lol

That is so my workplace. We have to log 'comfort breaks' and limited them to 3 mins :rolleyes: On my dept we don't get set breaks/mealbreaks. They wax lyrical about it being a vital role only 'you' are capable of doing, you are allowed to eat at your desk but nothing that requires a fork. Providing you have no emergency situations ongoing you are allowed to pop over to the bike sheds for a fag....resulting in alot of non smokers smoking, but god help you if you take longer than 10 minutes as this will result in a negative comment in the database :rolleyes:.  If you take time off for ANY reason you must report like a naughty schoolchild for a back to work assessment, if this occurs twice in 6 months you will get a formal written warning possibly resulting in a disciplinary/the sack.

Yet strangely I love my job despite the above :D

ROTFL ...thank goodness my school isn't like that :D :D

I had a job interview last week working in a shop. Working 7am to 4pm with half an hour for lunch and no tea breaks, I asked what if I wanted to go to the toilet she said we cannt stop you going but you must come straight back.
Tea breaks you dont get one, but you can have a drink while your working. Also had to work every weekend, and every bank holiday.

I was offered the job but I didnt take it. Im not that desperate, and they wonder why they cannt get staff.                                                  

In the riding school I work at when I am teaching at weekends I don't get a break. If I need the loo I have to do it the end/beginning of a lesson. I eat my lunch as I teach and can send one of the kiddies to the house if I need coffee, when I get home at the end of the day all I want to do is have a seat.