I have just read this on another site I go to and thought it applied here.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go somewhere else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints
are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairs were not designed by Formula 1 and are not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I
will continue to sleep on the sofa to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping.
They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep at right angles to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the
last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, and then go smell the
other dog's or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front
door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.
3. OF COURSE they smell like cats and dogs.
4. Yes, they have disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. Your
point is?
5. It is in a dog's nature to try and sniff your crotch. Feel free
to sniff theirs.
6. I like my pet better than I like most people.
7. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.
8. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to
train. They usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.

Love from your owner

:D :D :D

Loved it!

Margot

HAHA! thats great! Loved the part about the non-pet owners.....so true!!
Carol

Fantastic!!! It really made me smile and cheered my day up!!!
I'm even thinking I might design a poster with the rules on it to hang on my wall so visitor can read it as they come in. Mind you I don't really have any non-doggy friends the dogs scared them all off years ago :D :D

Alli

That's fantastic!!! I love it!!! :-D :-D :-D