It is a long story but will try and keep it to the point.

I met X in 1999 as started a new job and she was one of my staff. Anyway the relationship grew into good friends as we got to know each other . I met Y her partner and sort of took a non commitment view on him as wasn't sure about him. Anyway another good joint friend filled me in on some info on how their relationship had been over the years before I met and started to build a picture.He is a manipulative control sort of guy who X has got a sort of dependancy on. He is very rude and up his own ar*e when he talks to her and anybody around him. He thinks it is normal and funny. Anyway over the last few years we have had many talks and he is divorced with teenage kids who vist every weekend and she has HAD to cope with it and put up with everything without having any say about what happens. She desperately want kids ( has been in tears about it ) but he had a vasectomey and said no way does he want anymore children (By the way very messy divorce on his behalf) Anyway during the time he has had an (maybe more) affairs but X went back. She has admited she wanted out as she wanted more but was tied as she had a lovely big home and didn't want to end up alone with nothing.

Anyway that is very brief and there is so much more but we all went out mid Dec, the joint friend and husband as well. ( BY the way the joint friend also has the same view on what a t8sser Y is)

Anyway they arrived late after we had had a few drinks ( oh yes they had announced they were getting married in July ) Anyway we were saying oh gosh is she doing the right thing etc etc.

Anyway they turned up and immediately he started with his snide comments ( you can see people cringe they are so bad ). X then out the blue announced that her father was dying of lung cancer and they had to bring the wedding forward to mid Jan. We then listened to Y spout of in his 'jolly' way that yes she has given him so much ear ache that he had finally agreed to marry her as he had had enough of her nagging. By this time I had blown a fuse . I was not prepared to sit a listen to him doing this to a very good friend. Anyway the joint friend left and I let rip at X. I must admit had had a few drinks but even so I could not stand to listen to anybody been treated in such a way. She got very upset as I spoke a few home truths and she got up and walked out.No agood end to waht should have been a very good night :(

I texted her the next morning and said I was sorry for upsetting her .She replied and said thanks for the apology. I have since send her a mail to again apologise that it was not the best place or time to say  what I did and didn't want to loose her friendship as it is too valuble. No response and no surprise no wedding invite.

I am getting more upset as the days go on as she is a very special person to me but she has got so much going on that meeting her so close to the wedding I think is wrong and even a phonecall is going to be the wrong thing to do.

I also have a major problem that I am not going to change my view unless I am shown something that will change my view of Y and I am not going to lie :) Arrghhh help!

Lucy
xx

What a problem :( If it was me - and I really cared for the friend, I'd write (if you can't ring her) and say that you really care about her, but you don't like choice of partner and think that she is making a big mistake - you miss seeing her. Wish her well, but say that you will always be there for her if she needs you. I think that it is time to make a choice and let her know. People just can't see the mistake that is obvious to others sometimes - maybe the relationship will work - but you will be there if it doesn't.

I wouldn't want to lose a friend this way - but then I don't think that you have much choice :(

Daisy

Daisy

I had sort of come to this conclusion but wanted to see if there was any other way. One of the things she was so adamant about that it was her dying fathers wish to see both his daughters married before he died.( I know this is  bit strong but what a thing to put onto your siblings but I can unserstand why ) I did hit a very big nerve with her therefore why she took such an exception to me talking this way as I have done it beofre and she has agreed, I think I just saw red this time as he was so insensitive. Normally she is so much I want something else but will stick with it. This is why I felt so strongly. I just really love her as a person, she is a special friend and that is why I am so upset about it :(

Lucy
xx

There's really little that you can do - let's just hope that, when the dust settles, she makes the effort to see you, without him. You're right not to pretend that you like him - at least she'll know she has a good friend if she needs one - let's hope for her sake that she won't :(

Daisy

I think the problem is that people don't like to be told they are making a mistake, especially in affairs of the heart! My sister and I were talking of this only today.  We should be there to support and care for those we love, but not to tell them what to do, or what we think they should do.

Your friend knows you don't like her partner, but by keep telling her you are hurting her and knocking her judgement.  Think about it like this - we all occasionally (and some more) knock our partners or relatives, but if someone else were to say exactly what we had said we wouldn't like it.  Sometimes people just sound off about things and then calm down.  She must have some feelings for him, so for you to attack him publicly must have hurt.

Anyway, I think that you should ring her or meet with her (if she is willing), wedding or not.  I wouldn't mention again your views of the partner, but just tell her how you feel about her and your friendship.  Bite your tongue, however hard.  If she asks your opinion you don't have to lie (but does she ask for your opinion, or do you just tell her what you think?).  I don't mean to sound harsh or anything to you, but she must learn from her own mistakes (and choice of partner) - your can be a good friend by supporting her whether you agree with her or not.

Good Luck
Fiona

Also, I do think that although you shouldn't necessarily pretend that you like him, if you want to remain friends (and go out socially as couples) with X and her partner, then you must at least DISGUISE the fact that you don't like him.  For your friends sake, just put yourself in her shoes.

Fiona

Unfortunately most abusive men (and it does sound like that's what this man is) are very careful to choose the type of partner who will stick with them.  The abuse is such that usually, by the time it becomes as bad as you are witnessing the subject of the abuse is so demoralised that they think it would be a failiure to leave.  I am in your position, a really lovely friend of mine is with an absolute *** of a man who takes great delight in belittling her at every opportunity.  If I am to support her (and even to see her, he's distanced her from so many friends :( ) I have to treat him very carefully.  Tho its the last thing I want to do (can't say what I'd like to say to him ;) ) I do it for her sake as she would have no support otherwise.  I live in hope that she will leave him one day, and then start the life she deserves.

Is it possible that she would consider relationship counselling??  It's possible to go alone and it may give her the confidence to deal with this man, even if she doesn't leave him.

I am just going to leave it well alone now as I think that I have said enough and will contact her in a few weeks time and take her to lunch and see if I can minimise the damage I have done. I must admit when I was with my ex people did this to me and I did take offense until I saw what he was all about and wish I had taken notice. Perhaps I am too painfully aware of the years I wasted, still no excuse for what I did, it wasn't my place. A big lesson learnt :)

Lucy
xx

Lucy - you've just said what you need to say to your friend - if you put this in a note, and accept that, for the time being, you have damaged your relationship - but let her know that you will always be at the end of a phone for her - let her go with your love.

Margot