I need some advice for a friend, her daughter has been bullied for the past three years. She has spoken to the teachers and head mistress but nothing has been done about it tthe child who is doing the bulling is son of someone on the board of governors(sp), she has spoken to the childrens parents and they refuse to believe that their son is capable of doing anything wrong. This little girl isnt the only one who is being bullied by him.
Does anyone have any idea where she can turn to for advice?
Thanks Mary

There is supposed to be a terrific website that was set up by a girl who was in the news for being bullied last year I think.

Could try the bbc childrens newsround website for the links as they discussed bullying recently.

Good luck though, I abhorr bullying.

Is the bullying being done IN the school or on the way to and from ? Reason I ask is that my sons school has just installed CCTV cameras within the premises. If your school has them fitted it would make it difficult for the bullys parent to turn a blind eye

This site may help you- it also gives some legal advice

bullying

Good luck - I hope you get it sorted :)

Have they asked for the 'anti bullying policy'
All schools have to have one. And then they can quote it to them.
My son was bullied right up until a week before he left the school (infants) And that was only because I  went in every week for ages.
The reason I moved him to primary school and didnt leave him there to go straight thru was because of the bullying.
If she is getting no where, she should contact the local education Authority. Go Over the head of the head and talk to the LEA. If they get onto the head it may make them do something.
HTH
Lea :)

Am afraid I'm of the mind these days to advise the school that next time said child comes home with any marks on her from bullying I would be making it a police matter and advising the LEA with photographic evidence for good measure.  I'd also advise the child parents too, too many schools turn a blind eye to this sort of behaviour even when a child commits suicide they view the victim as the problem child not the bully.

Id ring the school and say if they dont sort this boy out you will be taking legal action against the school . its been done before and the girls won :)
Schools dont care they cant be botherd but they should!  so do what you can to stop him doing it to not only your daughter but others .

Im afraid these stupid teachers and heads live in laa laa land I know ive been there when I was at school I was paid with chocolate not to tell my parents at the time the bully was given chocolate too :rolleyes: they think poor bully there must be a problem at home . quite often theres nothing wrong except a spolit brat try to sort it out even if you get your daughter to get the other childrens details all the parents can make a stand even take it to the papers . then mabe other teachers all around the country will stand up and sort this huge problem out .

Your friend should still contact the governors even tho one is the parent of the child that is doing the bullying. If she still don't get no joy the next stop the local MP and then Education secatary. The school has proberly had your friend sign one of those school contracts. Your friend dosn't need to sign this as it is voluntary NO ONE can make her/him sign i know this as my son was bullied at school they don't like it when you don't sign. What your friend needs to do is to go tot he school and have it out with the headmaster and to tell him that if action isn't taken with the bullying that your friend will go to the governors then to the local MP them the education sectary and the local papers and the TV if they are intrested. I know that what some is extreme but it needs to be do for the childs sake tell your friend not to be bothered about upsetting people they need a kick up the arse and Threatened with what action is going to be taken if they don't take it seriously cause it don't matter what does matter is the welfare of the child that is being bullied.

Not all teachers and Heads are stupid.  This is a very sensitive area as I'm sure you have discovered.  There are policy documents in place to assist you although these documents are only of use if the person implementing them is prepared to stand fully behind them.  I have dealt with numerous cases and suggested cases of bullying in Primary Schools and I am always dismayed when the outcome is not, in my opinion, fair or supportive of the child being bullied.  This is a growing problem in schools but unfortunately schools and teachers do not carry the same weight as they did a decade ago. All schools are legally bound to implement the policy but this can take a long period of time which can be very frustrating as the child is suffering in front of you.  I am aware that in some cases the louder you shout the faster the situation is remedied.  I hope that you find a speedy and just outcome to this problem.

Hello Mary,
I saw a number of accesses to the Bullying Online website from this forum so I thought I would look in to see if I could help.

I think your friend needs to write to the head teacher, outlining all the incidents and asking what strategy she intends to introduce to deal with the bullying and how she intends to monitor its effectiveness. A letter is harder to ignore than a visit or a phone call. She should ask if supervision can be stepped up at the time most of the bullying happens.

If she doesn't get a positive response fairly quickly she should write to the chairman of governors at the school address, enclosing a copy of the letter she sent the head and asking for a copy of the school bullying policy and for an explanation of why the bullying is continuing after her complaints.

She could also take her daughter to her doctor and say she is becoming stressed and upset and ask if the doctor will write a letter for the school explaining the effect that bullying is having on her health.

If the bullying continues, she could also phone the LEA education social worker and ask if she will intervene with the school to get the bullying stopped. Your friend could tell her that her daughter is becoming reluctant to go to school and she'd like her help in getting a permanent solution to it. I'd hope that involving an outsider like that would help.

If that doesn't help and she's also made a complaint to the governors, she should make a formal complaint to the LEA head of education services. I'd encourage other parents to do the same thing if the head is receiving other complaints and is not sorting them out.

She should get her daughter to keep a diary of who does what and also who witnesses it because that will be useful to show the school what's going on.

If she is being called names then this is because the bullies have found out that this is what really upsets her. One way of dealing with this is for her to try to avoid eye contact with the bullies so that they don't see how upset she is and she can't see their smirks. If she can't ignore it then she could try saying ....  Yeah, whatever...  each time which is fairly non committal and if that's the only thing she says then hopefully in time the bullies would get fed up.

Parents are also entitled to a copy of their child's school record within 15 statutory (school) days and this can be interesting reading to find out if earlier complaints have been logged and if there is any note of action taken. You do have to pay for photocopying, your friend should just ask for a copy in your complaint to the head teacher.

If your friend needs to make a complaint to the governors I think she should also consider contacting her local councillor to ask if he/she can give her any help because the councillor may be aware of other bullying problems at the school. Her councillor is likely to know governors who belong to his/her political party so perhaps he could make them aware of her concerns.

Many MPs tell me that they have big postbags complaining about bullying. I expect your friend's is no exception. If she doesn't get anywhere with the governors and the LEA she should write asking him/her  to contact the director of education to find out why her complaints are not having any effect.

Unfortunately not all parents are as reasonable as your friend may be and I've had many instances where a visit to the bullies' parents has resulted in trouble sometimes involving the police so as this is a problem originating in school it's best to let the school sort it out. The fact the other parent is a governor shouldn't deter her although this is a problem which regularly crops up in our emails and I know parents do feel  concern that the complaint will be dealt with impartially.

Depending on the age of the bully, if she's being threatened and intimidated and the boy is over the age of 10 which is the age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales then your friend could make a complaint to the police. Being realistic the most they are likely to do is visit the family to warn the bully off. Some police forces also have school liaison officers so it may be worth seeing if your friend's has one. They go into schools and I have known them give harassment warnings to bullies which can be effective. However, it's very rare for police to go into primary schools in this way and I get the impression we're probably talking about a primary school here.

It might help if your friend's daughter can invite other children home so that she has the chance to make new friends, once she has other people to go around with at school the bully may keep his distance.

There are two sections on the Bullying Online website at http://www.bullying.co.uk/parents/parentsl_advice.htm and http://www.bullying.co.uk/children/pupil_advice.htm that may help your friend further.

I hope some of this helps.
Take care,
Liz Carnell
Bullying Online
www.bullying.co.uk
 
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They are both 7, for the first two years nobody would believe that anything was wrong even though she had taken her daughter to the doctor as she was making herself sick so she wouldnt have to go to school. The school dont seem interested in doing anything I willgive my friend all the info you have given me.
Thanks
Mary

I know exactly what its like just last year I was in the gym which is connected to a school like many of them are when i saw this little boy run into the gym followed by several other pupils I was looking from a staircase so could see the picture this little boy was thrown to the ground where several others kicked him . the teachers stood there looking at him :( it was only when i shouted at the boys to get off him and started walking down the teacher grabed the boy , who was then told off . I was totaly amazed and told them that he was innocent she still dident belive me so told the sily mare to look  at the ctv .

Im sorry I did lots of work in schools and I Know alot teachers dont give a monkies some of them have the strangest ideas I really wonder how some of them are allowed to teach . I went to 3 schools in the same area where i discoverd lots of children who were getting bullied with no help in the world .even when they ask the teachers . there are lots of things they can do like monitor a kids being bullied do you know the most easy way of finding a kid whos being bullied .. thats to just watch the playground you will always see a bullied kid walking on his or her own .
once they know a kid is bulling they should be thrown out . This is somthing that wont just effect the poor children at the time but it will effect them later in life .
The headmaster who bribed me with chocolate was 65 at the time he left to move with his 22 year old girlfriend i guess he had more important things on his mind :D
Wow Liz you know your stuff :D

I knew a lady whose son was also being bullied by a son of one of the school governors. The governor's attitude was very uncaring. When her son pushed the other boy's head into a dirty puddle and held it there, (and this was just one incident) she dismissed it as "boys will be boys" :rolleyes:

Hope you manage to get things sorted out :)

Lindsay
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Thanks. Kind of you to say I know my stuff!

Unfortunately I learned it the hard way. My son John was very badly bullied at school in 1993-94 and we took legal action against the LEA. It was one of the few cases which was successful in that he was awarded a £6,000 out of court settlement. We found it very hard to get help when we needed it so we decided with all the experience we had to form a charity to provide practical advice to others in the same situation. It's hard work because I have a full time job as a journalist and I replied to more than 8,000 emails last year but it's very rewarding when you can help people help themselves. We've replied to more than 29,700 emails in the last five years. Today Bullying Online hit a new record with 1,000 visitors in a day. It's a mark of how bad the problem is I think.

I'm afraid some anti-bullying policies are 'no blame' or mediation and that gives parents and victims the impression that the bully gets away with it. I'm fed up with hearing about the bully and victim having to have a 'chat' following which the bullying immediately restarts. I can't help thinking that if punishment was used more effectively at the outset then bullies would learn that they were accountable for their behaviour. I'd also like to see internal exclusion at school because many bullies don't value education and would prefer to be at home watching daytime TV. If they have to be at school in a restricted area where they are segregated from other pupils and have to arrive and leave later than everyone else perhaps they could have their behavioural difficulties addressed while their classmates had a more peaceful and safer life.

I'd also like to see head teachers have to report to governors once a term on the number of written complaints they have about bullying. If a parent takes the trouble to write then it's clearly a serious complaint. Many governing bodies are not aware of the extent of bullying because there's no requirement for heads to have to tell them.

If anyone else needs help with bullying then there are more than 30 sections of practical advice on our website.
BFN,
Liz
Bullying Online
www.bullying.co.uk

Firstly I would ask for the school to produce in writing (hard copy), not just verbal, their anti bullying policy, they should be given a deadline for provision of same - i.e. 48 hours.

Set up a meeting with the head teacher and head of year, and advise that they are responsible for the safety of the child whilst in their care (this is assuming the bullying is taking place on school premises), and that the school shall (not maybe), be accountable should anything happen to the child.

In making the appointment with the school it is important to be in contol of the meeting. Make an agenda, set out in writing the issues etc - power dress if necessary (get the suit and make up out), and make them see you mean business.

Cross gender bullying is a higher risk in some cases, and this should be pointed out, particularily if the boy makes any physical contact i.e. blows, trip up, pulling hair etc and if he is older than her. You can ask the school what their risk adverse policy is with regard to cross gender bullying - risk = insurance and usually makes people stand up and listen.

You make notes at the meeting, and state that you wish the contents of the meeting to be confirmed in writing, including the actions they will take against said male student to prevent the furtherance of the bullying.

This will place the level of accountability with the school. Putting things in writing usually spurs people into action, and once written they cannot take it back.

The school can also be advised that if no action is taken civil action will be taken, and the department of Education notified of the breach of care to the child being bullied.

Hope this helps

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

Take action, if left it will affect your child for a long time, it will also affect you to see your child suffering.  There is no excuse for the school to do nothing.  I know how difficult it is when the child of a governor is the bully :(  and I wish I'd had the internet for help and information.

Lindsay

"boys will be boys"    the answer to this cop out is that "parents MUST be parents!!"  :rolleyes:   you can bet it wouldn't have been the case if the bully was in the puddle ;)

Absolutely! :)

Out of interest, does anyone feel it is appropriate to pull a bullied child out of school if he/she cannot apparently be protected? I am thinking of the children who commit suicide due to bullying.

Lindsay
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I know this isn't the normal way to go about things but in this day and age all that kids respect is people who are "BAD"...
We had an incident where a couple of kids were being bulled by a gang of lads! We did the talking bit to no avail so we got a couple of  lads from East London to come down to Kent and give this gang of bullies a little talking too about what would happen if the bullying continued.
Basically the gang of bullys were absolutely petrifed and never laid a hand on any of the kids again.

The only thing these children sadly seem to understand is violence and giving them a taste of their own medicine did the trick.

Its not the BEST thing to do but, only leaving school myself in the last 10 years I know what kids are like and telling teachers doent really do much. If they dont bully during school then it will be after at the gates.

If the bullying is such that the child sees school as a miserable/terrifying place then yes they should be taken out if they cannot be protected.

The school must and should be accountable for the level of discipline in the school - there is no excuse for non action. Individuals who bully invariably have problems of their own, and if its a child that is the bully, the problem is more than likely rooted in home/family life.

In our schools here, second level that is, we have a behavioural unit in each school who deal with delinquent, excluded and vunerable children. The child who is being bullied is encouraged to make a log of all incidents, and report each incident to the unit. On the third report of an incident, the parents are called in - usually a low key meeting of "is there anything going on at home that we should know about as "Jack" is starting to behave in an inappropriate manner" - can we help etc. and the meeting will also advise the parents that there are victims of this behaviour. This usually spurs some action. If the parents reaction is that of denial or don't care then the child is carefully monitored, and if the incidents continue, that child is taken out of mainstream class environment and does all his work in the behavioural unit. Therefore the bully is isolated, not the bullied. Two of the bigger schools also have relationship counsellors that the children can go an see.

I think in 95% of cases this system works, and it might seem a bit over the top, but not to the child who is being bullied. A child who is being bullied must feel they have someone to talk to, otherwise they start to believe that they deserve to be bullied, then it spirals into having very low self esteem, then depression, then on the rare occasion, suicide.

This bully needs to be stood up to. Most bullies are cowards and back off once they learn you are not scared. I have been in this situation myself and the teachers dont give a f**k She needs to stand her own ground yes she will be petrified but if the bully see this then it will only continue. The bully's parents seem like they dont want to know that their child can be so cruel and maybe home life is not so great so hitting out at the weaker ones maybe out of frustration. We dont know what the bully's reasons are may its jealously but both chidren need cousilling the bully needs to sort out his anger and your friends child needs to gain more confidence.

ermm pulling a kid out of a school  hard one if the child is going to go to a school quite far away yes . if its just the school nearer no .
simply because if in the new school one of the pupils has a freind from the old school or cousin ... they will soon find out why You left . nothing easyier then having a go at someone who wont fight back is there and could have a repeat Bulling in the new school
and that could happen it did to me.
Then when she gets to secondry school she would get it worse twice as hard . As she will meet up with both schools and both sets of bullies .
Its soo hard to figure out what to do id look at a school not too close or too far if thats possible.
She needs to stand up for herself I went to kung fu lessons :P :D which helpted a little .
She will learn to stand up for herself , but the bulling has to stop .

Maybe advise her to join up in some Karate or martial arts classes, although we wouldnt condone physical violence its such a good way of building confidence.

I taught kickboxing for 4 years and have trained myself for more years than I care to remember....its such a good way of building self esstem and can give confidence to even the quietest ....

Having been through this for 12 years with my eldest, I would have no hesitation in removing my child from school if the LEA cannot guarantee his physical and emotional safety.  I would not send him to another school either, this just allows them to claim the problem is sorted out.

When my son started school we had trouble with him hitting out at the other children, he was 'put on the wall/cooler' and I was down the school every few days for 3 months, I was mortified and very concerned that my son might be a thug.  This was totally uncharacteristic behaviour for him, at home he was obviously unhappy and we had blue murder trying to get him to go to school every morning and he was coming home regularly with buttons missing from his shirt and his hood hanging off, the teacher hadn't noticed anything untoward except for his behaviour.  Then one day we were in the kitchen making a sarnie together and he asked me why he had to 'go on the wall' if he was unkind but it was ok for everyone else to be unkind to him over the next few days I gradually managed to get him to open up.  It turned out that he was being systematically bullied by a 4year old and excluded from all playground activities.  This child used to tell him every day that he would not be allowed to play with anyone, no one would be his friend and all pencils and crayons were snatched away from him before he could do any work in class.  He was physically bullied too.  And on top of it all he was being punished for most of it by the teacher and Head!!   It broke my heart to listen to him, he hadn't told anyone because he didn't have the right words and he was afraid of the teachers and the Head.
When I went to the school I was told that "Four year olds are incapable of this type of behaviour"  to which I pointed out that the child in question was obviously picking the behaviour up from somewhere and if nothing improved then I would contact social services as I felt that the child was at risk.  My little one had to stand in front of them and tell them what was happening, he was so scared he shook and could hardly speak.  They then told me that it was the first time they'd heard him speak (in 3 months )  Three days later I was called into the school to be told that it was all true, they'd been observing the boy to see what was happening and they were appalled.   Its taken two years for things to settle down tho, and my little one still won't have anything to do with the other boy - he still doesn't trust him, with good reason, but at least my son is gaining in confidence now.  I still feel that I let him down badly for those three months, today I would have no hesitation in causing the maximum inconvenience to the school if it happenend again.

Bless him Dill - glad things have improved for him, but it's so sad things are made so difficult for worried parents and of course for the victims.

I agree with what you said - i would take a child out of school and maybe sort out home education, so not send to another school. There was a lady on here who home educated her children - Issysmum. She's in Canada now i believe :)

Lindsay
X

Lindsay,

I wish I'd taken my eldest out of school and taught her myself.  12 years of bullying has taken its toll, she doesn't trust girls at all now, she has 2 female friends but the rest are all male.  It takes her ages to get to know someone and is very unforgiving if something happens, she's just not willing to give any second chances.  Her education suffered too and she hasn't done nearly as well as she should, its partly a confidence thing now and she gets stressed really easily so can't concentrate properly.  I'm just hoping that she will take advantage of adult education in a year or so.  Its dreadful when your child is bullied the whole family is affected, I still get very emotional now if I have to talk about it, although we did everything we were advised to and more I felt so powerless to help her as we were getting plenty of promises but nothing was changing :(

My youngest daughter is being bullied at the moment. I wrote a nice letter to the school, asking them if they still had a 'good record on dealing with bullies' and named the children in question, and asked that they sort the problem out. They have spoken to the children and are keeping an eye on things.  I would have no problem with taking my daughter out of school if I thought that the school didn't do the right thing by us.

We (daughter and myself) have even discussed Boarding School. She doesn't want to go there, really, but her dad mentioned it to her. I've always felt that bullying goes on more there, if your face doesn't fit.

Tell your local newspaper that the school doesnt take bullying seriously. ;)

I suggest if they school are not interested and the girl is being physically and mentally harmed then go to the police. That will get them to take things seriously . :)

You need to take drastic action sometimes in my opinion if things are falling on deaf ears :)

Also get everything in writing as it will help if prosecutions are needed.

Hope it all sorts out .

Lucy
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