I don't post very often on here, but I'm always popping in and out and take interest in the various topics. Today I'm just so very sad and I need to tell somebody. My loved ones aren't the ones to tell - they see me as a happy, carefree person. They think I'm 'over' the sadnesss I've been through. We (hubby) and I were told 9 years ago that we wouldn't be able to have children and despite some pretty sad, bad and anguished times I thought both of us had come through it well. Believe me, it has been bad - the problem is with my other half not me and he went through terrible feelings of guilt which was hard to convince him out of. I wish it had been me, none of this 'macho' business !. Anyway, it isn't something we discuss much anymore, there's no point. Neither of us were happy with the IVF route, just not for us (my blessings to people who try) so we just learned to accept it. So many friends and family have had children over the years and I've been ok, I'm happy for them, rarely have feelings of jealously. However, this week, a cousin has given birth to a baby girl. I'm not particularly close to her (she's a 2nd cousin and lives some miles away). I found out last night the name they have given her. It is the name we had dreamed of giving our daughter. It has hit me so hard, I didn't realise these feelings were still inside. I feel so jealous, it's like my last little hope has been taken away. My husband is out today and I've done nothing but cry. I don't want to tell him how I feel - it will cause him too much pain. After all this time, where has this grief come from ?.
Val

O Val-
I cant make the sadness go away for you :( but I am here for you and will listen
{{{hugs}}}}

Val im sorry you are having a tough time. Nothing makes this kind of pain go away. You learn to live with it. The IVF post was a constant reminder of peoples sadness whether its 9 years or 29years the pain still there I hope you feel better soon x thinking of you and sending you the biggest cuddle ever

Jean x

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness ,I count myself so fortunate to be able to have children and I can only imagine the heartache and anguish and pain of not having them.
I really do hope you feel better soon,it must be very hard reading some of thsese topics on the board.
Anyway I'm not very good words ,but I just wanted you know thinking of you at this difficult time and sending love and best wishes,and there is always somebody here  ready to listen.

Regards Briony

Awww Val, I don't know of any words that can take your pain away.

My friend (35) suffered the same agonies as you, tried IVF it didn't work.
They (hubby and her) are now going down the fostering/adoption route (it has taken them awhile with many hoops
to jump through and much heartache).
But they are now sharing their lives with a gorgeous 5 month baby girl (it finally happened for them 2 weeks ago).

Thinking of you
Massive Hugs
Kirstine

Hi Val
I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with this pain. You feel you have gotten to grips with things until something like your cousin's baby girl triggers it all over again. It must have been quite  a shock to find out the name they have chosen. Give yourself a little time to cope with this, talking and sharing is the best way.

Thinking of you

Hi Val, I can understand how you feel. I was as broken up as you when an acquaintance used my dead baby's name for her new daughter a few months after we were bereaved. Grief is a weird thing which lays ambushes for us just as we think we've turned a corner or when other people have decided weve had enough grieving time ( they often mean they cant bear our pain any more ). Just accept how hurt you feel, cry and dont worry as you'll get back to where you were again. You and your husband have built a strong bond by getting through this, so try not to shut him out now if he asks whats wrong. All the best.

Val, me and hubby have been down the same road as you, it's never easy, and time does ease the pain, but there will always be something which will remind you of your inability to do 'what comes naturaly'......

Give yourself a break, and some time to grieve, PM  me if you wish.

liberty

I'm so sorry :( Have you and ur hubby thought about other options? you could still have children there are so many ways, even tho they may not come from him or maybe even you bioligically they would still be yours.

Do wish you the best I know you feel so bad to talk to your hubby about this but I still think it would be a good idea to let him in on how ur feeling, nothing worse then being the one left in the dark when you think everything is peachy. You should really have a talk with ur hubby
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Take care

For some people (including myself) I only wanted our own biological child,  I'm sure many will understand where I'm coming from, at the end of the day it's irrelevant, me and hubby wanted our child, for us there are no substitutes.

Val i am so sorry for you and your husband, talk to him you will find that he feels the same but doesnt want to talk to you for fear of up setting you.  If you dont talk to him it may start to make you angry and you may start to take it out on your husband, talk again and c if things change discuss your options again.  I feel for you i really do i have my children and i always wanted to help somone have a child of there own, my x sister in law couldnt have children, she went through ivf 3 times  there was nothing wrong with her or her husband they just wasnt getting pregnant i would have loved to carry there child for them but my ex wouldnt allow me to. 

Many women and girls seem to drop pregnant at the drop of a hat and some out there dont deserve to have them it is sad when others like yourself cant but would make great parents.

Tracey my friend went throu 4 yrs of ivf only one attempt she has pcos for now she has washed her hands on it all as it nearly split her and her husband up because they couldnt talk about it, i got them to sit and talk and it saved there marrige.  pls talk to your husband befor you bottel too much up and explode.

good luck to you
Jane

Its difficult if your husband is the sort who wants to "solve" a problem, or who will feel upset and guilty,  rather than understand you need to just let things out. It may be an idea to consider contacting a counsellor who would listen to you and perhaps help you work through your feelings, although ideally it would be good to share this with your other  half, it may not be possible in this case.....

Lindsay
X

Val I am sorry you are feeling so low :(.  I have PM'd you.

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Michelle

Wow, thank you all so much for your support. Yesterday, when I was sitting here on my own, telling you all how I was feeling I really didn't realise how much it would help to open up. It has though and I appreciate it. I always feel guilty when I complain about this part of my life because in every other way I am so incredibly lucky. It's just weird, the one thing in life that you expect to happen, the one thing you dream of - and it's completely out of your hands. Strange world at times !.
I did speak briefly to my husband yesterday, had a good cry and a good cuddle. He said it was the name that had brought it all back and he felt it was completely understandable. We then went shopping and later sat on the sofa sharing a huge bar of chocolate !.
I'm still shocked that all those old feelings were just under the surface, I'd never have believed that I would feel like I did yesterday ever again.
Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. I know I'm not the first and sadly I won't be the last to go through this and it's wonderful to know that I can 'talk' to somebody.

Val

i am so pleased that you talked to your husband Val it helps to get it off your chest, good luck to you both a good cry is good and a bar of chocy is fantastic.  xx

Oh Val that sounds wonderful - not wonderful that you were upset of course, but that you were able to share the problem with your husband and able to get it off your chest a bit. Maybe you really needed a cuddle and a cry :) 

Lindsay
X

Val

I am glad you are feeling slightly better about things after a chat with your husband.

It is only natural to have the feelings you have been experiencing and your reaction was totally expected and you shouldn't feel one timy bit guilty.

Take Care and keep smiling :)

Lucy
xx

It hurts, doesn't it? I do know just how you feel. You learn to deal with the pain, but every so often it bursts out.

I remind myself that nobody said life had to be fair. That's my way of coping.

Val im glad you spoke to your husband about it and that you went out shopping. Nothing to beat shopping and a goood bar of chocolate x

Jean