..........for Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect

1) Newspapers: If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway every morning just for that purpose.

2 ) Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, & leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor & starts crying, lick his/her face &\line growl gently to show your concern.

3) Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans always prefer clean tongues.

4) Barking: Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the\line middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .

5) Holes: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans, dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice.

6) Doors: The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on. Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped on.

7) Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

8) Dining: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.

9) Housebreaking: This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

10) Walks: When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard.

11) Couches: It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.

12) C*ts: When chasing c*ts, never c*tch them. It spoils all the fun.

:D :D :D

Lol, some more which may have done the rounds and be 'old news' to some, but still funny:

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on the can.

2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it.

7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark
each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket and
then dance all over the back yard with them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and
neither are Mommy's and Daddy's laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in
for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.

Well Done, these are hilarious and so true!!!

kat