1.      Now  that  food  has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get  into my own pants.

 

2.      Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a  relative.

 

3.      I  saw  a  woman  wearing  a  sweat   shirt  with  "Guess" on it.  So   I said  "Implants?"

 

4.     I  don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up  fast.

 

5.      Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"

 

6.     I  live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

 

7.     I  got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a  moaner.

 

8.      If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the  terminal?

 

9.      I  don't  approve  of  political   jokes.   I've  seen too many of them get elected.

 

10.    There  are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

 

11.    I love  being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy  for the rest of your life.

 

12.    I am a  nobody, and nobody's perfect; therefore, I must be perfect.

 

13.     Everyday  I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've  stayed alive.

 

14.    How  come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss  America?

 

15.    Isn't  having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a  swimming pool?

 

16.    Why is  it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

 

17.     Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

18.     Every  time  I  walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise  words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.