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>sent. The piece suggests two things:
>1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who
>get poor service from their ISP and/or cable
>companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
>
>2) The Brits appear to get a better education than
>most Americans, enabling them to write some fine
>letters of complaint.
>
>
>
>Dear Cretins:
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
>I signed up for your three-in-one deal for cableTV,
>cable modem and telephone. During this three-month
>period I have encountered inadequacy of service which
>I had not previously considered possible, as well as
>ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
>you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
>and seek to rectify these difficulties-or more likely
>(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
>reading material as you while away the working day
>smoking B & H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
>your office.
>
>My initial installation was canceled without warning,
>resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
>my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
>When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
>listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
>more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look
>at your helpful website. HOW?
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
>for a few minutes-an activity at which you are
>no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
>rescheduled installation then took place some two
>weeks later,
>although the technician did forget to bring a number
>of vital tools-such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>
>Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
>After 15 telephone after I had requested it, and begun
>to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers
>downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm
>and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the
>weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
>connection.
>
>I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help
>line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
>variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
>also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
>informed that a telephone line is available (and
>someone will call me back), that I will be transferred
>to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line
>is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
>transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
>answering machine informing me that your office is
>closed), that I will be transferred to someone and
>then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
>woman. And several other variations on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as
>you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied
>customers to ignore, and also another one of those
>crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
>Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a
>customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
>shout them at your unending hold music.
>
>Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BritishTelecom was shit; that they had
>attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
>relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
>more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
>to delivering service to their customers. That's why I
>chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else
>is there?
>
>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
>considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
>useless shower of b"stards you truly are. You are
>sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents
>of the highest order. BT-wankers though they are-shine
>like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire
>of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
>and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service
>from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
>future attempts to extort payment from me for the
>services which you have so pointedly and
>catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
>will be greeted initially with hilarity and
>disbelief-and will quickly be replaced by derision,
>and even perhaps bemused rage.
>
>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care
>from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my
>utter and complete contempt for both you and your
>pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
>become desiccated during transit-they were
>satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would
>feel considerable disappointment if you did not
>experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
>Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
>towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
>Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable
>short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
>infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
>
>Sincerely
>
>????????
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