All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-
flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings and if you leave something make it something we'd like to
have."
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
waysout of this airplane"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan
airport, a deep lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."
**********************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."
**********************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it >wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault .it was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane and he thought he had gotten off scott-free. She
said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land,
or were we shot down?"
*******************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the >gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
************************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
***********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax! OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Natalie