I need help with this one, as some of you may know I am not usually backward in coming forward but I need a bit of advice on this one.

Would you tell about an affair?

The wife of a friend told me last week she thinks her hubby is having an affair, I laughed it off saying never not him. She didn't go into why she thought so but just looked at me. I got home and mentioned it to my partner who is her husbands best friend (they have been since the age of 7)

My partner Ben apparently spoke to his friend (I'll call him Sting) at the weekend(over a pint at lunchtime) and it appears it's true. I have not seen the wife since I have avoided any contact. But now I know what do I do.

It appears that the woman involved is also a friend (I'll call her Mavis), who has obviously been told by "Sting" that I know because she popped round Sunday night, telling me she is telling her husband about the affair at the weekend and leaving him. I told her I don't want to be involved at all but no one wants to listen to me at all. Because Sting came back with Ben Sunday and I told him that if they leave their respective partners I want nothing more to do with them. He said NO WAY is he leaving the wife for Mavis. If she leaves hubby that's her choice to him it's a "game/ a bit of fun"

God help me! Somehow we have both (Ben and I) got involved and I don't know what to do Mavis's hubby is a good friend of mine (he was my brother's best friend and almost lived at my parents house when he was younger and my parents consider him a "son" since my brother was killed in a car crash 8 years ago) He would be destroyed by his wifes affair, and I know now that Sting would think twice of teling him I know. Should I tell him first, I think it's going to come out due to the confusion and too many people seem to know.

HELP.

Karen

I would not tell anyone unless directly asked. Also make it clear to Mavis and Sting that you do not wish them to involve you, no confidences, no alibis.

It may well peter out, and Sting and your freind sort themsleves out, and be better for her not knowing the truth.

Ugh.....it's a tough one Karen!!

To be totally honest, I think you're better keeping out of it.
Maybe you just have to listen to both sides, and try not to be judgmental, AND keep it all to yourself.

I've lost friends through getting involved with something like this, and it's not nice.....you try and do the best, but people usually hate you for it!! Mind you, they don't like you much if you don't say anything.

I wish I knew what to say to help you out, it really is difficult.

Can't you just TRY and stay out of these difficult situations?!!! lol

Seriously, my thoughts are with you....I know how awful it is.

Wish I could help.

Take care, and good luck

Lisa

Phew !! That's one h$%^ of a mess.

Seems to me that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't :(
But it sounds as though the wife has some idea of whats going on already.

All I can do is sympathise, I found myself in the same position when I was younger, my Brother's girlfriend was 'potching' with one of his friends (I'd witnessed it !! ) I felt that the best thing was not to get involved since she wasn't exactly being discreet and it wasn't long before he found out (if it had been a permanent relationship I may have acted differently ) My biggest problem was that he knew I didn't like her (he wasn't the first she'd done this to) and I thought that he wouldn't believe me, so I just hoped he'd find out. At least I was there to help pick up the pieces.

I would have to think how i would feel and if all parties will find out anyway i would tell them. Imagine how your friend would feel if they found out you knew all along, however if noone was going to find out and get hurt i would keep stum. I just know if it was me i would like to know, i know it's hard but try and put yourself in the other peoples position.

If it was me I would want to know....... Or what if it was you....I know either way it's a hard one. You know if she finds out that you knew she is going to be mad and very hurt. :(

I think it also depends if you two are really real best of friends on telling her or not. Since he is really good friends with ur hubby I think I wouldn't want to say anything incase of ruining their friendship. Very hard one, just glad I'm not in this situation.

My best friend was dating a guy about to get engaged and people said that he was cheating on her, I did tell her what I heard cause I knew if it was me I would want to know too.

I think you should sit down and discuss it with ur hubby and see what his feeling and views are on it, and if he minds you saying anything. Thats what I would do :)

Good luck

ttfn :)

Okay, I'm still up and trying to decide what to do it 2.25 am and I'm shattered but can't sleep.

I really do try to live a quiet/boring life but somehow............:D the world conspires against me.

Ben's away on a course but we have being "talking" via the computer decided nothing apart from the fact we are both tired. Friends who'd have 'em.

Karen

I had the unpleasant task of having to confirm to my best friend that her husband was cheating on her. It was an impossible situation. I was aware of the affair for 3 months before she got an inkling, she was in blissful ignorance before then and I was stuck in the middle because her husband had told my then-husband, and it was a matter of destroying several confidences at once.

In the end, someone else gave her so many hints that it finally started dawning on her, and when she asked me outright I couldn't lie to her. However, she didn't want to believe it, and it took a whole month before it sank in and she kicked him out. I actually went to see him first and told him that if he didn't stop then my friend would end up asking me and I wasn't going to lie for him - but he was in it up to his elbows and wouldn't stop.

Everyone knew except my friend - it was so obvious - the "going out on the beer" and coming home sober reeking of perfume, the "disappearing", the text messages and the blatant using of mutual friends as alibis. The only person who couldn't, and wouldn't see it was her.

My advice is to stay out of it unless directly asked, then something like "well, there have been rumours but I don't know how true they are, why don't you watch him carefully" should suffice in that you have "done your bit"

HTH

You can't win, I would keep quite and let those involved sort it for themselves. You do not know the whole story only what you have been told, so although the wife may say after why did you not tell me, if you do you will loose your friend anyway. Stand by to pick up the pieces if needed, but otherwise keep out of it.

I would think the best thing to do would be to say nothing unless you are asked outright, then not lie, but not to be too blunt - like Chloe suggests, say that you had heard rumours but had no proof, and didn't want to spread gossip.

Someone always gets hurt when the cheating starts - usually the people who've done nothing to deserve it.

Ohh awful position to be in.
As Dill said, "Damned if you tell, damned if you don't".
Personally, I wouldn't tell her, cos it might just peter out, and sometimes ignorance IS bliss...and there's always the case of "shooting the messenger".
I'd do as Chloe said.......if she asks you, admit it then..but explain how you never wanted to spread rumours in case it was not true.
Good luck to you.

I agree the safest thing is not to tell for all the above reasons, but watchout for fallout as it's pretty messy. At our last place a girl lost her husband to her BEST FRIEND suddenly one weekend and the BF got pregnant to him. Well I knew both and picking kids up from school got really difficult as Wronged Wifey had a new outrage to report every day and demanded people take her side, and not speak to BF. I thought her man needed a kicking ( which he got from BFs Ex for messing up the other kids).The BF was being demonised as a single parent husband hi-jacker while this rat revenged himself on his wife in the dirtiest way possible and thought he was gods gift being fought over by 2 women. If you want to stay out of it, stay right out and get Ben to stop telling you things his mate told him.

Right decision made.

Stay well out, Ben's best mate "Sting" has been told in no uncertain terms by Ben not to come round and not to phone, as we do not want to be involved any more than we already are. "Mavis" I have told not to come round either as a couple with her husband (my friend) or alone.

So there you go all we can do now is sit back and watch as they ruin between them theair partners lives adn their kids.

Disgusted by the whole escapade, give me dogs any day.
Karen

I'm just going to stick my oar in here, although you have probably made the right decision.

Two or three months ago I started geting text messages from my childminders husband. I had 7 in the course of 4 days, getting progressively more suggestive and suggesting I meet him. I told my husband who they were from as soon as they arrived, so nothing was hidden but I agonised over whether to tell my childminder or not. If I ignore it, will he go away, will it spoil our good relationship etc etc.

In the end I decided that I couldn't face her knowing wht he was trying to do & told her quietly one evening.

She said that she had known he was up to something, but not what,and was grateful that I told her. He has messed around several times before, and she said the worst part was the knowledge that people had chatted quite normally to her in the street, knowing he was playing away & not said anything.

As someone else said you could be dammed either way.

Actually we were begining to think we were being "piggy in the middle" I have a gut feeling, they were wanting us to do the dirty work. Not interested in stupid games being played by stupid people. At the moment I feel sorry for Mavis husband (my friend) as he has no idea and sorrier still for Sting's wife who has an idea but doesn't know what to do. They have 5 children between them aged between 2 and 15.

Better off out of it I think. Maybe the cowards way out but I refuse to be used by people playing these silly mind games, and as none of it directly affects me or my family then I will not get any further involved.

Thanks for the help everyone off to take Sal a walk now to get them out of my mind.
Karen

i have been in this situation myself a few years back, my cousin and i were very close more like sisters when i found out her husband was having an affair, i actually worked with this other woman and she innocently told me she had met the 'love of her life'. After a brief description over a few days i started to wonder if it was him so asked her his name, to my horror YES it was my cousins husband. Over the weeks that followed i was losing sleep etc 'should i tell or not'. After 3 months i couldn't bare to listen to this woman coming to work and telling me what money he'd spent on her, showing off jewelry, clothes etc, knowing my poor cousin was struggling bringing up 3 young children and he hadn't even bought her a bday pressy cos they had no money. So i told her, kindly and through love, what happened?

well she was calm and said she would talk to him and she would ring me that night, after hours of pacing the house and worrying about her she rang me and said that he's denied it (surprise) and that she didn't believe me, she told me not to talk to her ever again for inventing such a sick joke! so i haven't seen her for 2 years now and i've heard they did eventually split up as he had another affair with some1 else.

so don't say anything, keep out of it because you might end up getting the blame do as chloe says, it was very good advice :)