TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST...

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get
married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception
was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put
on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of
Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So
he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaah."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it
up, and said, "Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said, "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that
the local swimming baths?"

He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a
skip outside my house."

He said, "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one
of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my
boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted." And
I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said,
"You've been promoted

again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time
and said, "You're managing director." And I went into
a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to
you?"

And I said, "I careered off the road."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought,
"This is unusual".

And the dentist said to me, "Mr Cooper, get out of the
filing cabinet."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to
me, "Can you give me a lift?"

I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "your
round."

The other one says, "so are you, you fat git!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen, it said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said, "I
haven't seen you in a long time."

The man replied, "I know. I've been ill."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places."

The doctor said, "well don't go there any more."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't
very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed?

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other
day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do
something about it. So we decided we'd take the next
exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me
6p a month for the next 2 years



LOL ! Lucy

ROFL! It was the elephants that got me - the old ones are the best! :D

"Just like that..."

:D :D :D Those are fab!!!! :D :D

ROTFL

They have just had hubby and me in stitches :D :D ..Especially the 1 in 5 story (I have a brother called Colin :D :D )

Melody