I do hope you will forgive me for posting this. I do need to speak to someone. My eldest grandaughter is in hospital because she hurts herself and my middle one has Asbergers. Help please because I do not know where to go from here.

Maby your doctor's have a councillor who you can talk to and who maybe able to offer some advice and help with your grandchildren

Do you mean that your eldest granddaughter has hurt herself or that she is regularly self harming?  Self harming has become a very common problem with teenage girls and is a very difficult one for families and carers BUT there is a lot of help out there if you can access it.

Are you the primary carer for your granddaughters?  The carers should be in contact with social services and SS can refer them and other family members to support groups and counselling services such as CAMH Child and Adolescent Mental Health services

As already mentioned you should also talk to your GP about your fears and anxieties - it must be affecting your health and wellbeing and you have my sympathies.  Do reach out to as many people as you can to get the support you need xx

Thank you so much for your replies. My eldest grandaughter is regularly self harming and waiting to go to a specialist unit. CAMH are already involved. No I am not their carer, my son and his wife are superb parents. What can I do (300 miles away) to help? Feel so useless.

> What can I do (300 miles away) to help

Perhaps you could join one of the Grandparents' Forums on the internet. I'm sure that someone there will have gone through a similar problem and would be willing to chat to you.

It must be awful being so far away and unable to help on a day-to-day basis

Many thanks Daisy, didn't know these forums existed.

If they are of school age there are the school nurses, and many schools offer in-house counselling.

This is not an area for school nurses and in-house counselling. Much too serious a mental health issue. If you have cash, you might try private experts in the field and pay for counselling. The CAMHS  teams are usually overburdened so cannot provide the intensive mental health input required. For many years I taught pupils who were unwell and this was my experience of CAMHS.
Louise

I work with the 0-19 team and I can assure you that school nurses can and do help.

Not quite the same but my best friend has a daughter who is self harming. She is a couple of hundred miles from me and I feel useless. She just can't seem to access the level of care she needs but it seems that charitable support organisations have given her the most practical help and advice so far, if you can find any in the right area.

I also second the idea of joining forums. Particularly for yourself. I joined a couple of closed groups on facebook for other reasons. Advice and support from people with real life experience is invaluable. Just the knowledge that you are not alone is a huge comfort.

Thinking of you and your family.

I hope I'm not stating the obvious here but are her social media sites being monitored? On-line bullying is so common these days.

She is in hospital awaiting entry into a specialist unit. She does not have access to the wrong social media sites. She was bullied several months ago but that has now been sorted. My girl is an "A" student but has such low self esteem. She is beautiful, (no I am not blind, trust me she is stunning). Her parents regularly tell her (as do both grandparents) how proud they are of her but she does not believe them.

Can someone give me a link to a forum please.

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/

National self harm self help forum.

Lynne,
I work in the emergency services, we see this frighteningly frequently. Your family are not alone in this ~ hope the link helps
Very best wishes and good luck x

Thank you so much HuskyGal xx

Her parents regularly tell her (as do both grandparents) how proud they are of her but she does not believe them.

Never seems to count does it?

It can take a lifetime to build confidence in a child, but takes two minutes from their piers to completely destroy it.... and it can be so very difficult to build it back up.

Medically and psychiatrically she will hopefully get the help needed.

As much as parents love their children, give them their life and full trust and are there through thick and thin, alas teenagers in particular find them too close to often share with, (as terribly sad as this is) it's difficult for someone to know your fears, worries and problems and then sit and have dinner with them making small talk, it is why as wonderful as many parents are, their children just do not turn to them or give them any full honesty. A parent hasn't failed, it is just the way it is..........

Grandparents on the other hand, can find at times like this that a teenager will open up to them more, as you are not 'sat at that dinning table' afterwards.

It may be a good idea if during the holidays she can come and stay with you? Give her parents a rest and also give her that all important 'one on one' away from her brother, so that she feels important, she can listen to your stories and more importantly if you can try to get her interested in a hobby or something you like doing which you can reel her into enjoying. Just as we do with dogs, (sorry for the analogy, but they are similar when adolescents) you need to distract from the raging hormones and all the chemical imbalances it brings, distract from the thoughts of s*xual awareness and feeling that she does not belong anywhere, and we do that by re-focusing.

Between you and her parents find her something to focus on, I used sports and cadets for my boys, they too have always been A students, but they need more at this vital time. Musical instruments, sports, cadets, horse riding, dancing, dogs etc, etc, all the effort we put into young children often we let it go when they become teenagers, but they need hobbies just as much, if not more......... try to re-focus her and it will help her along with the medical help she will get.

No-one is to blame for things like this, adolescence is a bad time for many and parents and grandparents can feel so helpless. I hope things turn around.

Carrington.....thank you so much for your input. This issue has gone on for a while. She has gluten allergy which makes her different and at this age, fitting in is paramount. I have spoken to her today as I do regularly, and she seems better. She does have good days and bad. She knows that she will come to see Grandma and Grandad when she is getting better for as long as she wants and she is thrilled with this. We have a great relationship with our grandchildren despite the distance between us . I have also spoken to the other girls today. The one who has been diagnosed with Asbergers seems quite remote even though she doe does not get on with her sister (she is 14). The young one (aged 9) just wants to come and see Grandma and the dogs.
Going to Crufts next week and will call to see my special girl (going with a friend who is paying all expenses)
I would go tomorrow if finances allowed

Just to mention, my parents did not believe in me but I proved them wrong. This is why I find it so difficult with my baby as she has had so much support. Is it a sign of the times? I was told i was rubbish. Guess what, Im not

> I was told i was rubbish. Guess what, Im not

Me too.

> This issue has gone on for a while. She has gluten allergy which makes her different and at this age, fitting in is paramount. I have spoken to her today as I do regularly, and she seems better. She does have good days and bad.

Unpicking a problem such as this is terribly difficult and she will need professional help.  She probably doesn't comprehend her own urges either and will certainly find it difficult, if not impossible, to articulate reasons that you or her parents will understand.  Counselling will help, as will the attention and support of good social workers and school staff.  I was surprised to discover how common self harming is with teenage girls, my daughter told me once than nearly half of her class wore long sleeves for that very reason (!!).  I discussed it with a social worker I know and she was able to tell me more than I had ever realised about this compulsion and it's many different forms.  Apparently the method of harm is important and health workers can discuss 'safe' replacement activities that minimise injury but provide some of the same feelings of release that self harm induces.  It's not a solution but it can help whilst other strategies are being put in place.

It must be difficult to be so far away from your family at this time.  In some ways that makes you the ideal person for them to talk to, as they can choose what to tell you and pretend everything is 'normal'.  Living with a severe problem such as this will take it's toll on them all and you can provide some respite for the adults and the children.  I'm sure your son and daughter in law appreciate your concern.

This isn't my area but I'm pretty sure there will be some good books on this topic.  Have the parents ever been given a reading list?  If not perhaps you could do some research via your GP or your local Social Services team to see what books they might suggest.

Sorry to hear your Granddaughter has self harmed to the extent she is in hospital, that must be such a worry for you.

Just to pick up on the query you had about why, when she has support from her parents etc. My parents were always supportive, encouraged me in everything I did & never put me down, I had a lovely group of friends & wasn't bullied but I still self harmed as a teenager (although not seriously enough to end up in hospital), and still have the desire to harm occasionally as an adult in my 30's.

The 'why do people do it' is a really hard one to answer as the reason will be individual to each person, but for me it felt like a release from the stress of the world, and my anger & frustration at not being able to control what was going on around me.

As I 'grew up', the feelings that made me want to harm decreased, and I now use tattoos for a way to manage the occasional feelings that make me want to - I've ended up with half of one arm covered, one hip and am about to start on my other hip! The pain gives me the feeling of release that I need, but it's managed in a safe way. Sounds odd, but it works for me. It's not for everyone, and I have to make sure I only have tattoos in areas that are easily hidden (I work in a very corporate environment).

I've also discovered boxercise which is a great way to get rid of frustration & anger (& get fit too) :) Strenuous/fast exercise is supposed to be  very good at helping people who self harm to release frustration in a more constructive way, so it may be worth seeing of your granddaughter would try something like that too.

Sending you my best wishes.

Claire

Thank you Claire

My gorgeous girl sent me a text today "Hi Grandma"
A move in the right direction. First text I have had.

Baby steps....as a self harmer myself I can understand the thinking behind doing it and even the extremes of hiding it but I also understand that little voice screaming inside the brain wanting someone, anyone to make it go away. Just keep reminding her that you're there,  in the background, ready to catch her if she falls. Even the little gestures will be noticed...as you have witnessed. I promise.

Been to see my girl in hospital today, she is quite remote.....on her phone. Did I get through to her? i don't know. She will be going to a specialist unit soon, maybe within a week. She is coming to stay with me when circumstances allow. I have given her a timescale.....puppies due in 7 weeks. Hope this helps.

Spent the weekend with the family, she was home for the weekend......even more confused.

When you say.....even more confused? How did she seem Lynneb? Did she seem happier or more withdrawn?

This may sound awful but I think the less she is moved around, the better off she may be. Moving around, even within familiar places can cause huge emotional distress and she may feel safe in the cocoon she has created for herself where she is staying. Being back home may have made her feel as though she was being forced (even though no one has done this) to deal with issues she isn't quite ready to face hence the retreat in to her phone. Hopefully the help from where she is going will not only be for the self harming but also how to slip back in to daily life at home.

She spent most of the time at home on her computer, using headphones, even though headphones were not necessary. Her computer is now in the living room right next to where I was sat so could see what she was looking at.....mostly dog agility. We went to the zoo on the Sunday and she was not comfortable with the number of people about. Bear in mind she has been in hospital/unit for 6 weeks. gsdowner....that makes a lot of sense. Thanks

I have set up a group on FB "Parents and Grandparents against the sharing of self harm posts", also there is a petition running to stop any publicising of photos and encouraging forums. Please join or sign the petition to help these young people. Many thanks.

I hope all goes well for your grand daughter.  Recent highlight of teen self harming re the exit of a  young male from a pop group brings this sensitive topic into the public eye. I'm glad that the other members of the band tried to stop their female fans from posting self pic's.
I've had that trauma of a family member self harming and drugs :( it's a hard, vicious, roundabout of emotions for the family as well. My sincere wishes or a bright future.

Thank you saxonjus.

Well my girl is only spending 3 days in the "unit" this week and may be home full time next week. Big strides... Many thanks for your comments and support. I will keep you informed of progress. Hoping she is coming to stay with me soon. THANK YOU ALL XXX

Make sure you give yourself hug...it will put you in the right frame of mind and have a positive outlook when you meet up with her again. Just remember,  baby steps.

I still find it hard to talk about but will always be here.

All my love to you and your beautiful girl x