I've got a cousin that is now on the 'dole' she's at her wits end.
She now gets £64 a week.
She is a single parent and has a 16 yo that will not go and attempt to get a full time job/doesn't want to go back to college etc.
She doesn't have the easiest relationship with her child and there is very little contact with the child's father. No financial help either.
She also has a dog (Labrador) and cat to care for.

I have to be careful as she has suffered breakdowns before and ended up being sectioned twice.
Just over a year ago she lost one of her sisters that she described as her 'rock'.

Had a very tearful phonecall late last night and it sounded almost like she can't cope and is very stressed about lack of money to be able to feed her child, her animals and herself plus all the household bills and other bills.
Her dog has lumps all over his feet apparently. I'm not sure if these are interdigital cysts, but apparently he has had them before.
(I am going to have a look tonight to see - I dread to think what they are like :( )
He also has overgrown nails (they have started to curl round) especially on his front feet which I have tackled her about before but she claims that the nail file she has for him will not work, the guillotine nail cutters won't even touch his hard nails. They are hard as I've tried to file his nails before for her.
Another reason for the nails being so long is that he's not being walked out enough.
She was crying last night that she thinks her dog needs vet care but will not be able to afford the bill.
I have text her the free phone number for the PDSA who will help if she is in receipt of housing benefit or council tax benefit.
I've also advised perhaps she may have to think about rehoming her dog if she can't cope - which she is adamant she doesn't want to do, she thinks of him as her 'son'.

She is very, very, stressed.
I've explained that I cannot help out financially with vet bills etc as a couple of my own dogs have need of vet care - one long term and the other going in on Friday for x-rays.
So it could be an expensive time for myself (yes I am covered by insurance but I have to wait for them to pay out). I did feel awful saying this to her.
But didn't want to give any false hopes etc

I've explained that her dog may be allergic to his food - she feeds him Gusto.
She cannot afford to throw away £6 10 kg sack of food and start over again.
Previously he was fed on Tesco's own complete dog food, but that was more expensive to feed than the Gusto.
I did suggest that she perhaps go back to the tesco complete if he was fine on it but the answer was I can't afford to...

I've been up since 4am worrying about her - I can't take any time off work for the next two weeks as my opposite number at work is off on hols and our section has to have cover. I only have 5 days hols left for the rest of this year myself and am desperately dragging myself to mid-September where I have two days booked off (in addition to the 5 days I have left). I am really tired and do need a break which I'm planning to have the week off in October.
I'm emotionally all spent as I've had to deal with the loss of one of my canine veterans and then her daughter having cancer.
Plus used most of my holidays to care for my poorly dogs.
I know I'm stressed even if outwardly it doesn't seem so as I've started pulling my hair out again :( This is something I haven't done since I was a child.
Then it started when my parents marriage hit hard times and then going through their divorce.
So I'm trying to think of solutions for her without stressing myself out further otherwise I could end up with no hair.
My cousin can't go to her father as he's in a bad financial state (she lost her mum in a RTA when she was very young), her other remaining siblings she doesn't want to bother/worry.
The 16yo can't get any benefits although does have a saturday job but the money she earns (approx £20) she treats as all hers and will not contribute anything to her mum's household 'pot'. But is running up big mobile bills on contract which her mum got for her before she was out of work.
I've suggested my cousin also speak to Citizen's advice for advice where to go with the bills etc.

How would you help in this scenario? Is there anything else that I could be suggesting to her?
I'm going to see her tonight and would be grateful if anyone else has any ideas that I haven't thought of.

I'm so sorry to hear of your worries..can i ask..does your cousin have a cpn (Community psychiatric nurse) ? If she has mental health issues and has been sectioned twice then she should have one and this person will be able to help out with many things ..
If not then i think her doctor needs contacting and things can start moving from there.
Which area does she live in ?
Annee

Difficult as you want to do as much as you can without her handing her troubles to you.

Perhaps if you can afford to supply a bag of reasonable dog food periodically and offer to walk and sort out her dog on a regular basis ( not vet treatment - I would stress this to her - you cant afford to pay all that too). This may be just a little bit of relief from her pressing worries,but may make all the difference.
Someone to talk to also may take off some of the strain as she must feel very alone.You could suggest Samaritans for a chat about her worries, they will listen non-judgmentally.
What is not a good idea is for you to start doing too much, find you cant keep it up and drop out - this will cause you both unhappiness.

If she has mental health problems then she might be able to claim for Disability Living Allowance too, its not just for people with physical disabilities.   Can you check to see if you have a local welfare rights she could go & visit, they will even help with filling out claim forms & appeals too?

It sounds like she would benefit better from being able to help herself rather than relying on others.  I don't mean that harshly but it's easily to feel stressed and depressed when you have to wait on someone else to help you with life. 

A few years ago I read Your Mortgage and How to Pay It off in Five Years : By Someone Who Did It in Three by Anita Bell.  It's on Amazon.  It's not a big read and she is in NZ but it had lots of money saving tips from making you own cheap cleaning products, cheap food and also a recipe for very cheap home made dog food which can be made in big batches and frozen.

Maybe someone in the family could have a word with the daughter, at the very least she should be paying for her own phone if she is now working.

Purely on the benefit side. 

Her child has to be in full time education in order for her to be paid for her as a dependent.  the child must be made to understand that at present Mum only get just enough to live on for herself, so it is work or education for 16 year old. 

Failing that the only way that the 16 year old will get anything is to be estranged from her parents.

> But is running up big mobile bills on contract which her mum got for her before she was out of work.

Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees in a situation like this and coping with the emotional aspect is difficult enough.  One of the things that can help though is to tackle each element one by one. 

Presumably the phone contract is in mums name?  Whatever their personal difficulties the mother just cannot afford to pay this bill any longer so if the daughter is unwilling or unable to stick to her 'free' calls or text allowance then 'pay as you go' may be the only option (the daughter can keep the same telephone number if she likes).  If she prefers, get a phone savvy friend to look at the bills to see where savings can be made and to look at alternative contracts.

We've recently been hit with massive phone bills because the kids were being charged for receiving texts.  Look at the numbers online and you'll get help with stopping calls of this nature.  Our daughter got into HUGE trouble for going over her allowance - turns out she knew nothing about it and wasn't really her fault - oops!!

> It sounds like she would benefit better from being able to help herself rather than relying on others.

That is rather harsh, she obviously has some serious mental health issues if she has been sectioned twice, being a psychiatric nurse i have first hand experience with this and its all very well saying as many others do "help yourself" but when you are in the depths of depression/psychosis/post traumatic stress etc that this is  a very hard thing to do.

Hopefully she will get some help from the professionals who can start to put some things in order.

> That is rather harsh, she obviously has some serious mental health issues if she has been sectioned twice, being a psychiatric nurse i have first hand experience with this and its all very well saying as many others do "help yourself" but when you are in the depths of depression/psychosis/post traumatic stress etc that this is  a very hard thing to do.
>

Like I said, I didn't mean it harshly.  I myself have been diagnosed with depression in the past and found it useful to have something to work towards myself.  I wasn't saying she should just help herself, rather that she be helped to help herself (if that makes sense).

I do worry about her - one of her other sisters also has been sectioned many times :(
Although alot of her sister's problems stem back to losing her mum and post natal depression throughout having her family.

I am trying to provide a person to speak to/a sensible voice of reason but also am keen to try and avoid taking on too much
emotionally as my own health will suffer (been there before with my dad who was suicidal/threatened suicide when my parents split up).
Gosh my family sound like a right bunch!

I am conscious that I may not be able to give her what she really needs regarding the emotional wellbeing.
But also (I do count myself lucky) don't have any experience of the benefits system and what can or can't be claimed.
Also (luckily??) don't have any experience with kids (my nephew a similar age as my cousins child is just the same as his second cousin)
and most don't listen to sensible talk or it doesn't seem to 'go in'.

I am also really annoyed text her this morning with PDSA info and she hasn't bothered calling them yet. Has her brother visiting - arrgghh.
If she was that worried about her dog surely that would be the first thing to sort?
Perhaps another indication that she's not thinking clearly? and isn't coping?

Thanks for all your tips and advice so far it's really helpful :)

I am also really annoyed text her this morning with PDSA info and she hasn't bothered calling them yet. Has her brother visiting - arrgghh.
If she was that worried about her dog surely that would be the first thing to sort?
Perhaps another indication that she's not thinking clearly? and isn't coping?

It may well be that she is just overwhelmed by the situation she finds herself in rather than she hasn't yet bothered. Depression can make even the smallest task seem totally beyond one's capabilities and yet another hurdle to be overcome and with an accumulation of tasks and worries to be sorted she might not be able to accomplish any of them without help.

I agree, she's overwhelmed. Maybe she could be referred to a counsellor through her GP-in fact Mother and Daughter to work through the financial issues. Teenagers are selfish creatures at best! Regarding the dog, maybe you could look at his feet and trim his nails and then stand him in warm salt water, to encourage the 'cysts' which are usually Staph infections to burst/resolve.That would be inexpensive and not terribly time consuming. Sounds like you are like me, I have given much support to individuals financially when I couldn't really afford it and in practical ways too. But, be careful not to become too stressed and feel too responsible as a supporter. Being a family member is hard too, as it's hard to say no, but you also could become a victim of depressive illness, when you consider that you have needs as well, and have recently gone through a rough time. This may sound silly, but some dog charities have listings on a certain famous auction site, with pics of the dog and an appeal for donations towards feeding. Many of us multiple dog owners are happy to throw a tenner towards a bag of food etc now and again. Start with counselling as a family, and then CAB for advice on benefits she may be entitled to. maybe you could suggest to go with her for moral support the first time? The daughter should join in with the counselling, if it is explained to her that she is dependent on Mum and Mum is not well! She also could offer to walk the dog, if the counsellor could make it seem like her own idea by asking her how she might help Mum. People are quick to say, "It's not your problem", and I always say, "It is, if it's affecting me too". There are no easy answers, just suggestions. Regards, and hope things move in the right direction for her soon!

I agree, she's overwhelmed. Maybe she could be referred to a counsellor through her GP-in fact Mother and Daughter to work through the financial issues. Teenagers are selfish creatures at best! Regarding the dog, maybe you could look at his feet and trim his nails and then stand him in warm salt water, to encourage the 'cysts' which are usually Staph infections to burst/resolve.That would be inexpensive and not terribly time consuming. Sounds like you are like me, I have given much support to individuals financially when I couldn't really afford it and in practical ways too. But, be careful not to become too stressed and feel too responsible as a supporter. Being a family member is hard too, as it's hard to say no, but you also could become a victim of depressive illness, when you consider that you have needs as well, and have recently gone through a rough time. This may sound silly, but some dog charities have listings on a certain famous auction site, with pics of the dog and an appeal for donations towards feeding. Many of us multiple dog owners are happy to throw a tenner towards a bag of food etc now and again. Start with counselling as a family, and then CAB for advice on benefits she may be entitled to. maybe you could suggest to go with her for moral support the first time? The daughter should join in with the counselling, if it is explained to her that she is dependent on Mum and Mum is not well! She also could offer to walk the dog, if the counsellor could make it seem like her own idea by asking her how she might help Mum. People are quick to say, "It's not your problem", and I always say, "It is, if it's affecting me too". There are no easy answers, just suggestions. Regards, and hope things move in the right direction for her soon!

I think one of the first ideas I have is for her lazy daughter to get off her backside and help her mum, first job is to walk the dog and give it some good exercise once the medical issues have been sorted out, the PDSA or RSPCA will help with that, if she can show she is only on £64 per week. (how can anyone live on that!) Is your friend one of those people who is too proud to ask for help, apart from her close friend/cousin?  The dog she can sort out.

Her financial situation can be helped by the daughter going and getting some work, does she not love her mother enough to do that? I think if she can get that point through to her that she needs to pull together with her mother now, that is what family is all about. How can she continue to think she is entitled to free food, heating, water, bed, electricity  draining all resources when her mother is only on that pitiful amount? If she is not in sixth form or college to better herself she needs a good kick into the world of work.

There are times in all our lives when we can sit down, think of our problems and wallow in them dragging ourselves further and further down, the trick is to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, hold our heads up and only think of solutions.

Solution A is the daughter needs to bring in some money and pull her weight
Solution B the PDSA, RSPCA will take care of the dog.

N.B Gusto is a food made for Working dogs, (it even says so on the bag if I remember correctly) not for pets, I know it is cheap but it is the wrong food.

>N.B Gusto is a food made for Working dogs, (it even says so on the bag if I remember correctly) not for pets, I know it is cheap but it is the wrong food.

The designation "Working dog" is meaningless other than it means that the food is VAT free. It in no way limits which dogs can eat it. ;-)

I learn something new everyday! :-)

Hi,
I've not read all the reply's so sorry if i'm repeating whats already been said but my oh has a mental illness and if she is ill she should be on incapacity whitch would be a higher rate, also there maybe other benefits she would be intilted too the cab would be able to help also maybe worth contacting her nurse like was said just to pop in and check her mental health

I would start with getting her to see her doctor,how far out of the mental health system is she it sounds like she is in great danger of plummeting back into her health problems again. I am assunming we are talking severe depression. I know from personal experience that help in this area is difficult to get but if her gp is any good they should help if she has a long and difficult history. You arn't sectioned for fun!
As for daughter would she not consider any type of college course at least if Mum could show that last years income is below 30k the daughter would have up to 30 pw paid to her.. maybe asome negotiation there. Almost any course will be ok and usually it is only 16hours a week at college so plenty of time for teenage activities or inactivities.
As for dog some of the previous ideas to help him sound good I wouldn't  be too upset about her lack of motivation with contacting the pdsa as frustrating as it is as someone has said even the simplest task ie getting out of bed is beyond some people when depression hits.
Please be careful yourself as you need to keep yourself strong for you and it so easy to overdo it trying to help but feel guilty when you dont . Again I have current experience of many years of both guilt form not helping or doing it and falling flat on my face myself although not obvious to others

got to do something about the child. My mum had this problem with my younger brother, he dropped out of school at 16, and refused to work at all,now, my mum was very soft with him and it spirralled out of control, he went from no job, to verbally agressive, smashed her house up,threatened my dad, stole money and was just really bad, yet all she did was make up excuses for him, he is 22 now and he is still the same, the only difference is that my mum and dad split up and my mum moved out and left her son behind.His idea of life now, is to lie in bed til llunch time and then cruse around in his car, he says he will get a council flat and have kids to pay for it. As you can see, i am not close to him at all, as myself and my older brother, we have partners,morgages and i have kids and we work etc,so in my view you need to sort it out asap otherwise the child could end up like  my brother

I had a cousin who got herself into incredible debt and frankly she didnt want advice she wanted someone to do it for her, and I think this sounds a bit like that as well.
Its very diffecult, my brother had a daughter that racked up the phone bill, so he jad the one at home for inward calls only, and kept a pay as you go mobile for outgoings - no debts accumulated.

A 16 year old is adult enough to leave school ect, is adult enough to feed herself with her £20 and an extra bit from Mum, when they get a bit hungry they learn. Yes I did do it with one of mine, we argued he said the F off word so I did. When he got hungry he apologised and now at 24 he's my delight.

She does need counselling but only she can ask for that.

The dog PDSA thats a great idea that will sort out probelm 1, then a bag of dog food now and again sounds great idea. See what I mean on wanting someone to solve her problems you give her the advice but you didnt take the dog to the PDSA so nothing has happened there then.

Back off when you can, dont get dragged down if she makes an attempt to help herself you will feel like helping a bit more but do not do it all or she will be back again and again, some of this she can sort.

We cant live everyones life for them.