My daughter is in Year 7 and the youngest in her year - she's 11.  She's having a bit of bother with the other kids in her year as she doesn't have the latest designer name stuff.

We had the same problem earlier in the year with her mobile phone, we'd got her a bog standard one (just did what it was supposed to - make and receive phone calls) in case of emergency and they used to take it off her and throw it around,  so the inevitable happened we bowed to pressure and got her a fancy one.

She's been acting strange lately, not talking and hiding in her room but wouldn't tell me what was wrong.  I thought it was her "Kevin" stage, but this morning she said that she was off to face another day from hell.  She says that people are making fun of her because she doesn't have the latest stuff.

I'm of the old school unfortunately and don't hold with all this label malarky.  They are school children for goodness sake not WAG's, they have a uniform to stop this oneupmanship.  Her clothes are good quality and good makes but obviously not good enough.

She said she doesn't want to talk to her tutor because she's frightened of what might happen, so I offered to do it for her but she won't have that either.  I told her that if anyone said anything today to say "Thank you for your opinion" and then walk away.

She likes what she wears and she likes to look different to everyone else - every girl I see has the same hairstyle, same clothes and makeup.  I just feel so sorry for her, she's not very confident and takes everything to heart - so this is really hard for her.  She loves school and never tries to pull a sicky, I know I can't wrap her in cotton wool but why are kids today so nasty.

So what do I do?

You have a bit of an issue there.

If you give in and buy her the latest stuff she will probably still get grief, but you wil have taken away one reason for it in her mind and it may give her the confidence to stand up to the bullies.

I suspect she is not coping well with it as she is showing some classic signs of stress. What does she think would help?

I personally would be into the school quick smart and speaking to the tutors. Even if she doesn't want you to say or do anything, at least this was if the tutors are aware they can keep an extra eye on your daughter and these nasty bullies. You don't have to ask for them to haul the bullies in to the office for words etc but if the tutors are aware then they can act when they see it also, so then it won't feel like anyone has said anything but just tutors being more wide awake.

I was verbally bullied and i know each case and situation was different but nothing stops until you stand up to them, i don't mean by being violent but i spoke out to my tutors and they hauled the evil little madams into the office and you know what it stopped. The same goes for work, i've been bullied in work situations, always and always by loud dominant women, when i do speak out about it, you know what it stops.

Maybe see if you can get your daughter to keep a diary as well, if she feels up to it with names and this can be used if things get any worse, as bullies we know tend to deny they've done anything wrong.

Good Luck

Trust me when I say that buying designer gear etc will not help the matter.  Your daughter has been singled out by bullies and it's got nothing to do with what she's got or not got.  I went through the exact same thing at the same age - trying to fit in didn't help.  It's the other kids that have the problem and the school should probably be made aware - I'm now of the opinion that why bother trying to fit in when you are born to stand out :-)  My school eventually had a uniform policy where we were all wearing the same thing, but the bullies will still find something to pick on.  Socks was a good one I found.

It's a phase, a very cruel phase, but your daughter will come through it, so long as she has a strong family behind her.  She obviously has inner confidence and a sense of individuality, or she would be a clone of these other girls.  You don't want her to lose that sense of individuality - it shows inner strength of character, which is probably why the other girls feel threatened and have to put her down to make themselves feel better.  You could try telling her how good she looks every morning :-)  Might give her that little boost.

I never buy the latest phones etc for my kids. My son who is 13 has had a 2nd hand mobile for years and doesnt care what it looks like as he says 'it works'. I cannot abide materialism, my daughter who is 11 has a friend who has everything and even has a padded bra (can you believe), not that she needs it just because her mother doesnt know what to spend her money in. This kid is so shallow and has missed out on her youth IMO. They got rid of their new pup because it made the perfect house smell.

I am very vocal with my kids about how wrong the 'want syndrome' is and it has not important which possessions you have, it is how you are as a person that matters and thank goodness they understand this. I cannot stand bullying and would definately go into the school and express your concerns. I have my daughters friend round and quite happily tell her that there is more to life that all the trappings. I wouldnt let her round for 2 yrs because of her attitude and she knew that but now comes round and is very pleasant. I get her to help my daughter muck the pony out and brush her(she looks like a fish out of water doing it LOL) but I think kids of that age should be doing kid things and not living like mini-adults.

I hope your daughter feels happier soon and this can be resolved. Nothing worse than your own child being bullied it is heartbreaking.

Um you are damned if you do and damned if you dont on this one.
If you do interfer you undermine her wishes if you dont you run the risk of this esculating.

Not all kids have designer some are confident enough to be different! but thats not many. I dont think streching your purse to help her "conform" is the right answer but my two were very confident. I think I would have a word in the tutors ear.
If you cave in again you will probably have to continue doing it and your daughter will not learn the valuable lesson that if you cant afford it you cant have it.

See what the tutor says when you voice your concerns do you have in place a mentoring scheme at your school? might be worth an ask it puts older kids more sensible in a place so your daughter can talk to them and often they can help those kids who are not so confident to bloom.

I hate bully kids, they can make life so painful for others. Good luck.

I've always felt that we have kept our children well grounded, growing up in the 60's/70's, nobody had much.  My OH is the youngest of 7, he still talks about a fort his dad handbuilt for him for Xmas one year and although I was an only one I didn't have much. We used to play tennis with coal shovels where I lived (and I'm not joking!)  They have always had it instilled into them that life isn't about "things".  "Things" don't make you happy.

I know she doesn't want to be like them.  She's happiest caked in mud in the allotment or playing in the stream.  She goes to Scouts and she is really comfortable there and I think it's because there are like-minded kids there. 

They do have a mentoring scheme at school and she is on the school council.  They have a school uniform and they're not allowed logos on outer coats.  The latest target is school bags. 

I'm going to sit her down tonight and just try to find out the root of the problem then I'll have a re-group.  There is no question about buying this labelled stuff, it's just not going to happen.  I watched my step-sister with her kids spending hundreds of pounds on trainers and clothes and now they're grown up they're just the same.  My step-mother asked my neice to nip into Primark for some socks and you'd have thought she'd asked her to chop a leg off!  She was appalled to even consider going in there.

Talking of mini-adults - two girls from her school came round for her on Monday night (I was out with my daughter on an errand) and my husband thought it was a girl and her mother (they were 12).

Thanks for your help - I'll let you know how we get on.

My daughter is also in her first high-school year , and she is my first to go to high-school so this is a learning curve for me too !

My daughter has fitted in well and is happy , however she is feisty like me and doesn't take any cr@p !

I won't repeat what others have already said about going into school as that should be your first port of call .  Does the school have a transition manager whose job it is to smooth the transition from primary to secondary school ? If so , i would be seeing them along with her form tutor ASAP .

Does your daughter have friends who come home for tea and text her ?
Is there someone in another form who she is friendly with , so moving forms would help ?
Is her school work being affected , are her grades dropping ?

What does your daughter want to do ?  Where did all her friends from primary school go , or did she not have many friends at primary school ?
Has she asked to move schools ?
Moving school may seem like a big thing but the next 5 years are important and maybe she would settle better elsewhere .

I hope you resolve this soon for her as high school can be hell , but it's good practice for life after school .

Granitecitygirl's summed it up well - even if you and your daughter cave in to the bullies on one thing it won't change anything. They'll just move on to another aspect of her, and even pick on her for giving in and trying to conform. I tried that when I was at school, and I wasn't happy until I trusted myself to be me, and not what other people wanted me to be. Once a bully has chosen a target there's very little you can do. You're very much damned if you do and damned if you don't. It can be a miserable time, but I found that being true to myself was the only thing that worked.

In your case I'd have a quiet word with the head and her form teacher, stressing that it's not on her request; they need to be fully aware of what's happening.

I know how you feel and girls can be worse than boys with their backbiting and b*tching. I would be speaking to the school about it because this is the kind of bullying that they should be dealing with. My daughter had a problem last year with some older girls (3 years older) at school and I phoned her guidance teacher to speak to him about what was happening but made it clear that it was not my daughter who had told me about it, I had found out from another source. I told him that I did not want to make it a formal complaint but that if it happened again I would be. He agreed to speak to the girls involved (one of them was the school Pupil Counsellor's daughter but I didn't find that out til later) and they apologised to my daughter for their behaviour and I have to say my daughter has not had a problem since then - the girls involved are now prefects and I told her if they stepped out of line at all then their parents would have wasted money buying them their blazers, cos they wouldn't be prefects for long :-D .
Speak to the school, I'm sure they deal with this sort of thing regularly and will have ways of solving it that do not invlove your daughter's name having to be brought into it at all. I hope you manage to sort it out soon, being a parent just seems to get harder as they get older, and most new mum's think the worst is over once they are at school! :-D  Should we disillusion them? :-D :-D
M x

I had a pretty hard time in senior school as my very best friend left to go to a private school and I was left to find new mates. I didn't have any brand gear (my parents are old fashioned like that), I rode horses and wasn't into cool music. I always felt so sad at school... and now that I look back I just wish that my parents had been a bit more understanding. Buying your daughter all the coolest stuff may not work, but if you can afford to integrate a few 'brand' things into her everyday stuff then it may just make her feel a bit special and proud. If you have a close relationship with her (I didn't with my mum) then talk to her as much as you can, make her realise that this is just a small part of her life in the grand scheme of things.

You can't change the way the other kids behave towards her... bullies will always be bullies and will always find a new way to make someone feel small. You need to change the way she sees them/life/herself and make her see that she is brilliant how she is and that they are the ones who will end up in a dead end job with 5 kids by the age of 21!! Funnily enough I ran into a guy from my high school at the gym yesterday... we both have really got on with our lives since school even though we were hugely picked on. We both supported each other through the hard times and still remember it.... Does your daughter have a friend or two that you can encourage a closer bond with?

Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble.... I feel so sad when I think of people being bullied. I truly hope with all my heart that you can find some kind of solution for her :-)

My daughter is yr 8.
She sounds much like yours, her own person, she wont follow and if she is copied(clothes, hair etc) she is more likely to be cross than flattered.
She has very red hair and so is an obvious target....
That said she has managed to keep her self in charge, although she has cetainly been through this.
I strongly recommend you talk with your daughter, and ask how you can help her.
If it means some kind of compromise on the type of bag she using, or even phone etc,then maybe you could go with it. At least in a small way.
She sounds hugely sensible and will probably be glad of some kind of help in this way.
Also, do let the school know, just for the sake of them being more aware. Do be 100% honest with her and make certain she knows you are on her side.
Karen :)

When my daughter was starting school she ' had to have ' a Jane Norman bag which was expensive for what it was . However , she went to school that first day feeling more confident because she had the right bag , and it is holding up very well - i am very happy with the quality and even more happy that she went to school happy.

A lot of good points for you to ponder - I hate to hear of children being bullied :(  Life is difficult enough at that age without some nasty little clique ganging up on a decent kid

I'm inclined to agree most with Stormy84's advice.

Whatever you decide between you I hope it makes a difference to your daughter's confidence.  Most kids at her age are happy simply to blend in and while some are confident enough to take a leading role and be 'different' we shouldn't assume they're all that strong emotionally or psychologically if it leads to unwanted attention from a mob culture :(

I'd certainly be letting the school know what's going on - bullies get away with this behaviour because they're not challenged sufficiently by those who can make a difference.

Very best wishes, Teri

Both my daughters have been bullied (for want of a better word) at school in their time. My oldest girl was a goth, and told the would be bullies to get a life. She would rather be herself and happy, than a clone ;-) She sorted it out herself, but she did have a couple of good friends that tagged along with her.

My youngest (15 years old) was being bullied by her best friend   In the end she took up kick boxing (for health reasons, not anti bullying ;-) ) and her best friend stopped trying to bully her, and even walked away to find another best friend. Now my daughter is so confident, due to the kick boxing, that no-one teases her.

I would think that your daughter needs to have the confidence to either stand up to these girls, or to completely ignore them. Bullies hate being ignored. Once they find that their victim isn't bothered by them they move on. Though I do think that the school should be made aware of the problem.

Edited: Sorry Teri, I clicked to answer your post, not the OP's!

i agree that you must let the school know and ask them to keep an eye on things without letting the children know,and don't tell your girl that you've seen the head,there's no need to stress her any more than she already is.ask the head to give a talk at assembly about the seriousness of bullying and that the school won't put up with it.as for the designer stuff-it's about time we saw some children with their own style.in the end they are interesting.please tell her that lots and lots of people are thinking about her and on her side.if she tells the bullies that she can't be bothered with them and holds her head up high they will get fed up with trying to get tears out of her.tell her bullies are like they are because they are sad jealous people.keep us updated won't you?x

I've got a daughter in Yr 8 and a son in Yr 9.  I've needed to speak to the school a few times and I've always found them very good at managing these situations.

When I needed to talk about some problems my daughter was having I made it clear I wasn't speaking on her behalf but wanted to do a bit of fact finding behind the scenes before talking to her in a bit more detail. 

I found out there was an issue with a girl in my daughters tutor group that the teaching staff were aware of, and dealing with.  With the teachers advice I was able to talk to my daughter about a few different coping strategies and some school initiatives that she could access.

It was all managed quite discretely and the tutor was able to manage things so that my daughter spent some time in different work groups to extend her friendship groups.  It seems there were a few girls with the same issues and after the tutor brought them together they formed quite a tight knit group that weren't afraid to speak up. 

Children can be very cruel and can identify the tiniest things to pick on.  I cannot count the number of times my son has been teased for having curly hair, and we've had the mobile phone issues too.  My son's phone was once so old it acquired a sort of retro cool (til it got dropped and died!).  Most kids adopt of sort of school survival technique of not standing out too much.  Once your daughter is in Year 8 you'll probably see quite a big difference - there seems to be a big confidence shift once they are no longer the 'new year'.  My two are blossoming with each new term but admit that they didn't like year 7 much.  My son said his clothes were just too new!!  (So that's why he now looks like a scarecrow...)

Another thing to bear in mind is that many girls start their periods in Yr 7 - it's no excuse of course but it certainly seems to make so many of them bitchy and moody.  Before my daughter started she was soooo emotional and difficult to live with that any small thing anyone said was enough to set her off with tears or tantrums.  That may well not be your daughters issue but it could be affecting others in her tutor group or classes at school.  Year 7 seems to be something they all have to grit their teeth and get through.  My daughter was friends today, enemies tomorrow with many of her longest standing friends.  Luckily it's all settled down a bit now.  Good luck xxx

My mom was someone who also did not hold with "all this label malarky."   Nothing new here - I was in a similar situation to your daughter decades ago.   My mother made some of my clothes, bought others used, and shopped by price, not fashion.   I wasn't bullied per se, but I was certainly made fun of at school for the way I dressed.

I don't have children, but was very happy that when my niece my sister made sure that she was able to wear trendy clothes.  (My sister got my old clothes, so she was probably more "unfashionable" than I was in school.)  She didn't spend a lot, she was a smart shopper, and my niece was not taunted.

Part of the way children define their identity is by the way they dress and the "stuff" they own.  My niece actually had two different sets of clothes - one was the trendy stuff for normal wear.  And she also has an arty and musical side, and she has an "arty" wardrobe to fit within that set as well.  Clothing is actually a big part of a child's life.

IMO, if your daughter chooses to dress differently that is fine.  She needs to understand that she will be teased about it and you need to help her build confidence in her own choices.  If she is unfashionable because you don't care about fashion, then based on my own experiences I think this is being insensitive to how difficult your choice is on your daughter.

I'll throw something new into the discussion at this point then! - have you considered home education?

The first question everyone has is the social side - well there are numerous  home edders around the country, so getting together with others is not a problem.

You can buy in courses and do GCSES (my daughter is aiming to be a vet) although you don't have to.

Worth considering as a backup plan?

Good luck whatever you decide, it is very distressing when your child is unhappy at school.