Bit of background before I ask the question.  I have been with my partner now for 2 years and as I posted on another thread we got engaged at Christmas and have been living together since July of last year.  Previous to me he was engaged but sadly she passed away about 18 months before we met.

Anyway, when we got engaged his mother didn't congratulate us until she was promted to about 6 hours later, and she certainly hasn't bought us a card so I don't think she's too happy about the situation.  She spent Christmas with us and we took her home the day after Boxing day, when I put her bags in her room for her I noticed she had a picture on her windowsill of my OH with his previous partner.

I found this quite hurtful as all it said to me was that his mother quite obviously prefered her to me.

So am I out of order to think like this?  I did mention it to my OH as I couldn't hide the way it made me feel, but he says there is nothing to worry about, but to me she is wrong to have this picture up now.  What do you think?  Am I wrong?

i think you are wrong, why should she forget his ex just because she is no longer there? My sister died 4 years ago aged 30 from cancer, her boyfriend has moved on, but he will never forget her just like his family will never forget her.  I think having a picture of them is nothing more than me having a picture of my sister up in my bedroom, honestly i don't think you have anything to worry about at the end of the day this lady did exsist, but your fiance is ready to move on, he asked you to marry him!!! I wouldn't look into it too much, just enjoy your relationship and eventually his mum will see how happy he is with you, maybe its just still a little raw for her.  Good luck!!

Angela x

I would say that no you're not wrong to feel like this, to me feelings are feelings and not subject to rules and regulations.
As to whether the MIL to be prefers the 'other partner' I would say that is her problem and not yours and something that she needs to come to terms with.

I would tend to be comforted by your man and do as he says and don't worry, although I would have to say that MIL to be obviously has the sensitivity of a brick.

Many years ago when I met my now hubby his mother was initially friendly and pleasant, but when after a few months she realised that ours was a serious relationship and that I was the woman that would take her boy away things changed, she became unpleasant rude and refused to have anything to do with me and told her 'boy' I was a bad woman etc. Her 'boys' reaction was to let his mother know in no uncertain terms that we were serious and would marry and if she could not accept that then she would have no part in his life. After a few months of no contact between them she relented and accepted that to keep contact with her son she would have to bite her tongue and accept me. Many years later she apologised to me and said that she had come to realise that I was the best thing that could have happened to her 'boy'.

So take heart and be comforted by your OH

I can understand your hurt, I'm pretty sure if the relationship had petered out, even if she had liked the last financee she would not have her photo up, but she didn't she died.  She died whilst your future mother-in-law still cared and probably loved her, of course she wishes to remember her and she should quite rightly be allowed to do that and have a photo of her in her own bedroom.

However, my concern is that she hasn't moved on and may still ache for that lost lady, not to congratulate you without prompt I would be very upset about, most mothers would be so happy that their son was able to move on, find love again, marriage, grandchildren etc all should excite her.

I can't look into the thoughts of your future mother-in-law only guess, perhaps she can't let go and feels a betrayal to the previous lady if she is too happy for her sons changes in life, perhaps she is too afraid to get too close incase she has to go through the pain of loss again?

The only thing I can say is that in time she will move on, when she sees how happy her son is, when the marriage is happening, future grandchildren etc, eventaully she will put that photo away as something in the past and put up photo's of the future and embrace the here and now.

I might encourage you to sit down and have a nice chat with her about how she feels, but to be honest that may cause pain to both of you, I would just ride it, be happy, don't talk too much about it with your finance, he doesn't see a problem as he's moved on, see how things go, if she shows such devotion and caring to her sons last fiancee, the good news is, you will also eventually have that same love and respect, I think you will end up with a smashing mother-in-law, just give it time, be respectful and allow her to grow to care for you at her own pace.

Don't be jealous, she's the past, your the future. :-)

Carrington those are wise words.

I would also add that both your future MIL and fiancé have a right to remember the deceased lady with affection, that is nothing to do with the here and now, and they should not feel they have to bury the past, but are able to remember it fondly, but be happy with the here and now and look forward to the future.

Past experiences are part of what have made your fiancé the man you love.

My OH I knew over 16 years ago, and we parted company.  We met up again and the intervening 15 1/2 years had changed him a lot, he had cared for and lost both parents to Cancer, had a cancerous lump removed from his throat, and has a heart condition. 

He is now a far more caring and understanding Man than the rather self centred prickly (on the rebound as was I) younger man I knew.  I have changed a lot too, I have brought up two children alone, and think I am more forgiving than I was, and strangest of all, finally ready to close my eyes and take a chance.

I agree that feelings are feelings and cant be helped, but you must try to accept that your MIL probably had her own relationship with her sons previous partner and may be grieving for the loss of a friend. Try not to let your feelings about this photo affect your relationship with hubby and MIL - This lady is in a better place now and no threat to you unless you make it an issue :)

Thank you very much, I feel better about things just reading your posts.

Your right I will not mention this again, she is entitled to do as she wishes, and yes you are right I think she is a little put out that I have taken her son away.  She is an old lady (84) and he has been at home with her most of the time until I came on the scene.

We are both in our early 40's so probably no grandchildren for her as I think I'm too old for all of that.  & this is second time round for me as I was with my previous OH for 21 years before we split up.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Sorry but I do think you are over reacting, your m-in-law is more than likely still grieving. Please try to remember that she is not only grieving her son's fiance. But possibly a good friend, someone who she had grown to love and respect just like she may do you. And also the future, of what was planned and obviously didnt happen.

She has every right to have her picture up, just as your fiance does, if he so chooses. We dont stop loving someone when they die, we learn to cope, to change our lives to adapt to living without that person, to start a new life. But that doesnt mean we have to forget our past lives.

I lost my Husband 3 years ago, I still have his picture up and always will. Regardless of who is in my, As he is part of who I was and who I am today.

You know I dont really get on with my in-laws, I'm not really included in any family gatherings etc, We only now keep in touch because of my son. But they still have our wedding picture up.

My mum still has his pic up as well.

You do really need to try and acccept this, and move on. Her son loves you now, and wants to marry you. His mum will accept that in time. And dont worry about the lack of congrats from her, Every time me and my husband went to tell his mum and dad of news ie engaement, pregnancy marriage etc They groaned at us lol.

Alix

I'm with the others here - this lady is grieving too and maybe her grief has been side lined because she has been trying to be supportive to her son.  I don't doubt that a good part of her heart and mind are at peace with her son finding a new soul mate and planning a brighter future but it's only natural IMO that she will still be devastated at the loss of a woman with whom she already had developed a bond, friendship and whatever else and so find it difficut for now to separate those thoughts and loyalties and truly embrace your new relationship.

When I first read your post I mistook where the photo was, thinking it had been one she brought with her to put on her bedside table at your homes - that would have been VERY different!  However that wasn't the case and now I feel bad for even thinking it - but relieved for you LOL.

Wishing you much happiness,
Teri

Ive been married to my OH for 18 years his Mum still has a picture or two of him with his xwife. I havent got a problem with it as she is the Mother to his children, we do not share any children.
I was so pleased when I got to 12 years married as they didnt get that far so Im no 1.
Its natural to feel the way you do, as a previous writer said the lady is no longer with us so you do not have a rival but its diffecult (sometimes) to live up to a deceased rival. Just be you.