Hi

A friend of our has died suddenly and we are wanting to go to the funeral as a family.  My children are 9 and 10 and the general opinion within my family is that they are old enough now to go to the funeral - "it's about time they learnt that life wasn't all fun and games" was one comment. There is a church service first then onto the crematorium.  I though to take them to the church but not to the crematorium as I felt that this might be a bit too much for them.  Any thoughts?

I dont think they should be forced either way, best is to ask if they want to go and gauge how to play it from there.  My children have had this option, and it's up to you too to know your own children.
Karen ;-)

I have asked them, and they would like to go to say goodbye. 

I think they will be ok, as you say I think I know them by now.

I have  mixed feelings about funerals and children.
I was 12 when my father died it was a time when it was normal to have the coffin in the house :( I was made to see my dad who was only 45 so very  young he had been very fit and his death was a shock , I was also at the funeral my Dad was buried there started something which has never left me even though I am now in my fifties I have had nightmares over the years and for weeks after the funeral was devastated as my Dad looked to me as if he was asleep I was convinced he would wake up and no one would help him in that awful place.
Fast forward a bit My Husband  Sam was a widower when I met him his son was 9 when his Mum died Sam in his wisdom didnt allow his son to go to the funeral he thought he was doing the best for him,His Son now in his 30s and his Partner came out for a drink with us one night  a few years ago imagine how Sam felt when he was told that his Son did not and would not ever forgive him for stopping him going to his Mothers funeral :(
I do not think at  9 years a child could cope with a burial but they may cope with a service .
I also think childhood is a special place to be and whilst possible children should be allowed to be just that the world is scary enough as it is.

I am sure others will reply too and you can judge for yourself.

Regards Glenys

Really depends on how close the friend was to your children and what your children choose.  My children have only ever gone to their brothers funeral, which was a bit different and they were 5 and 8 at the time.  I have always asked them with others and they have always choosen not to go, but they are now 15 and 18.

I think a funeral should be a celebration of life and so children should be allowed. :-)

I'd leave it to them and see how they feel about it.

I was 9 when my brother died and as someone else said that was at a time when they were brought back for the family etc to see.  His body actually was fine, but I have to say after seeing my grandmother a few years later, I've never ever wanted to see a body again.  She looked so upset and I'm sure as we felt at the time a lot had gone on that last day as her face really did say it all.  I must admit that has haunted me ever since.

I have taken my children to funerals since they were little.
James came to my Nanners at the age of about 18 months, and a mate took him as we went to the interment.
They both came to my Aunty Doris' funeral who dies 101 1/2,  they were about 6 and 10 at the time. And were fine with it.
I didnt take them to a neighbours funeral last year, but then we werent that close.
I think it dying is a fact of life and children should see it (maybe not the body!!)
But I know a mate who was disgusted I took my kids to Aunty Doris' funeral!!
Its what you feel :)
My feeling is no child is ever too young to learn the facts of life and death :)
Lea :)

My husband died just over 2 years ago, my son was 5 nearly 6 at the time. I took him him to the chapel of rest & he came to both the church service and the cremetoriam.

The reason for this, was so that later in life. He knows that he said a proper goodbye to his dad. Whether when he is older, he will tell me it is something I shouldnt have done only time will tell. But my policy with my son is honesty. To know that nothing is ever kept from him.

My niece was 10 nearly 11  when my hubby passed, and less than 12 mths later. My dad died. To this I didnt allow my son to go to, thought he had been through enough. I explained to my son. He asked if he was going to that funeral. I explained why I thought it was best he didnt go. He did seem quite relieved. (tbh they werent close anyway) My niece however went and she has done ok with them.

>I think a funeral should be a celebration of life and so children should be allowed. :-)

At 9 years old I went to my father's funeral, despite family members stating it was no place for a child.  My grandfather put his foot down, I was going and that was that.  No one argued with him.  I went; I cried and went through the pain of grief. 

3 years later my grandmother died, I was very very close to her but the family again insisted I was too young, it was no place for a child and granddad was too stricken with grief to argue.  I didn't go and I didn't grieve for my grandmother. :-(

23 years later, I grieved for my grandmother when going through hypnosis for problems (long story). 

There is nothing as destructive as repressed grief, it can destroy people.

My OH was brought up in a big family which is very open about death and as a young child he attended funerals and often seen dead family members in open coffins.  He copes admirably today with the loss of loved ones.

Children can go through trauma and death successfully with the right support. 

I think this must be a cultural thing as both In Ireland and in Poland all family and anyone remotely familiar with the deceased including Young children would attend funerals. 

I was very surprised at the more guarded attitude I encountered here with English funerals, and had some people voice disapproval when I took my two to the funeral of the husband of a neighbour whose widow was their dinner lady, it never occurred to me that primary school age children (not toddlers) would not be welcome.

Have to say the Widow was very pleased we had made the effort.

In Poland nearly all funerals are Open casket affairs.

I was permitted to go to family funerals from the age of about 10. I believe it was a good thing, I was sad but not traumatised, I learnt that it was ok and normal to grieve, and I have never had any unnecessary fears about deathetc.
My friend however was protected from such things and was never allowed to go...death was not spoken about and it became a big scary thing for her. As a child she was terrified of the idea that dead people would come back as ghosts, and even as and adult she has a phobia of funerals and death. She even gets panick attacks.
I really believe that her fears were put inside her by the attitude of her parents, and hiding from her the matter of fact of death.
I personally believe that it is a good thing to bring children up with an awareness of the nature of life and death, to have a sensible attitude without an inappropriate fear.

> I think a funeral should be a celebration of life and so children should be allowed. :-)

exactly my feeling.

my nephew was at my grandads funeral at approx 5 months old and has been to several since...he now (age 5) understands what it is, has had death explained etc...best done early i think as then its not as hard on the child when someone they love dies. it;s less mysterious and frightening

I think it depends on the individual circumstance, the child and the relationship of the child to the deceased.  My daughter was 5 (just) when my Dad died, he died in my house as I nursed him through the  last 3 months of his life.  I remember well he died at 6am, I got my daughter up for school as normal, told her that Granddad had died and was going to heaven (as he wouldn't be there when she got back).  She cried and I said 'why are you crying, you spoke to Granddad and he told you he wanted to go to heaven as he was poorly etc.,' and her reply to this day brings tears to my ears 'but he didn't say goodbye to me'. I thought about this for a few minutes and spoke with my husband and we decided to let her go into the lounge.  I told her he was still here and was waiting to go to heaven, she went in there climbed on his bed, kissed him, came out playing a harmonica and was fine, no tears, nothing, just a simple bye Granddad.  By the time she came home from school he had been taken to the Chapel of Rest and she didn't attend the funeral, she thought he'd gone to heaven the day he died and I personally felt she needed to know nothing else.  She is 14 now and obviously knows different, she went to her other Granddad's funeral and was fine. None of my other children (3 of them) saw my Father in the lounge that day and they were all older but did attend the funeral. 

Thank you for that - I too was brought up in a family where death was dealt with as a matter of course.  I have decided to take them just to the church and not to the crem cos I think that part of it would be more of a personal thing for the close family, but my OH thinks it would be rude not to go.  Also I rather not take them to the crematorium as I don't know how to explain what happens.  They understand about burial through pets passing away.

Thanks again for putting my mind at rest.

it's the right decision, but again sooner is better to understand things so i'd suggest explaining about the crem. maybe say something like some people don;t like the idea of being in the ground so they prefer to get turned into ash and (usually) sprinkled into the world again? (i know thats why i want to be cremated)

hope the funeral goes ok and everyones alright.

I have just gone through this problem myself on valentines day.  2 years ago my dad dies of the big C 2 boys aged 10 and 12 went but i didn't think it was right for my 6 year old, anyway valentines day we had great grandads funeral and all the kids wanted to go and say their goodbyes.  My husbands family were mortified that I would even consider taking them to a funeral, and told me they weren't welcome.  anyway after discussing this by sayig basically they also have to have an ending they agreed and everything went fine my 8 year old was upset ut not overly so and at the end of the day children need to know about life and death.

Linda

Sorry to hear of the loss.

Children at different ages grieve different ways.  You need to first understand what your children know about death.  ie: young children (7-9) usually think that if they go near a person who has passed away, then they will "catch" whatever that person had, and then pass away as well.  Older children (teens) know a lot about the death process, and may just be "chillish" about it.  Meaning, they may be weirded out about the whole thing.

My grandma passed away when I was twelve, and I went to her funeral.  I had closure.  My friend had passed away the next week, and my mom thought it was best if I didnt go to the funeral, because of already being in the grieving process with my grandma, and how close the two deaths were.  Not being able to go to my friends funeral, made it so, in my mind, it couldnt be real.  10 years later, and I say "Wow, she has been gone for 10 years already?" 

Again, I am so sorry for the loss. 

Kory

There is a very good book for children which is sold at Waterstones and on Amazon. It's called waterbugs and dragonflies and explains in sensible terms how we live then die. It tells a story of a nymph who lives under the water who is then reborn and flies out into the sky where the other bugs can't see or follow him. However, he is now a beautiful dragonfly and flies off into a new world, free and happy. This is the nature of things and how it should be.
Perhaps you could read this book with the children and then ask them if they would like to go to the funeral and say goodbye?

> : young children (7-9) usually think that if they go near a person who has passed away, then they will "catch" whatever that person had, and then pass away as well

i think that these are things that can be avoided though. Kai (my 5 yr old nephew) knows about dying, his mum has even tried explaining the various different religious beliefs about the afterlife etc. he's taken to the heaven concept. He's actually sat me down and very gravely and sensibly explained that his Great granny and grandad (my gran and grandad), Odin our mastiff and Nemo the fish are all in heaven now, it;s sad that we miss them but they are ok and happy where they are. very sweet really, lol in case i didn;t know. His mum feels that its not right to keep anything like that from him, he's a really switched on kid and would pick up on strangeness of surruptitious conversations and would react badly to it. even when she first got pregnant (she noticed at about 6 days gone freaky woman) she explained about it and about how it wasn;t definate yet as sometimes babies don;t always grow etc. because its not made a big deal of he's totally cool with things many might consider 'adult'

i actually really like funerals now as its a good opportunity for family to get together (my mums side is catholic and huge so we see each other only at the "hatches, matches and dispatches"-births, weddings and funerals) and i see them as a celebration rather than mourning. i hadn;t been to one as a kid though, my first was when i was 16 and i was kinda freaked simply because i didn;t know how it all went.

I'm Catholic and my relatives are Polish, so is the at ease attitude to funerals a religious or cultural one or both?

I couldn't go to my Grandmothers funeral (in Poland) and my Dad was late due to a car breakdown, but the family had done a  video of the open casket and all.  Somehow this made it real for me as living abroad it was easy to not really feel she was dead.

I have been to 2 funerals already this yr, one just yesterday and i didnt think it fair to take my 9 yr old with me for a few reasons.
firstly he is a fidgiter and would stress me. i didnt think  the guests to either funeral would appriciate the many questions he would have as he is that kind of child who wants a running commentry on everything. and i also didnt want to put him through the hard emotions of the funeral. he understood the 2 close relatives had died and he had cried at home with me and his dad and as we are not religious people, we have our own way of thinking where they have gone too which i feel is a gentler way to allow him to grieve.
this may or may not be the best way to deal with it, but i was sheltered from death as a child and feel that if i can explain and let him understand how i feel and listen to how he is coping is a much more honest way to deal with a terribly difficult time.

Hi

I have spoken with his widow today and she is pleased that the kids want to come.  My son has asked if he will have gone to Rainbow Bridge to collect all his old pets which broke me in two.  They will be fine I'm sure but thank you for all your repsonses.

That is so sweet and a very sensitive boy you have :-)

aww, what a nice kid. personally i think they do :)

My grandfather passed away last week and its his funeral on friday and my daughter wants to come she is 10 but my other 2 are only 3 and 4 so i dont think they are old enough as they dont really understand yet, i left it down to my daughter and would do what ever she wanted, and i will be there for her along with the rest of my family.
I think its down to the child if they want to go or not.

I think its a presonal choice but I have never down played death ever- have always had animals so my children have always been aware about death- they have also gone to funerals at a very young age- When my grandpa died my son had the giggles at the funeral but that was his way of dealing with things but he was young and he asked lots of questions, my daughter didn't say much but had questions about everything as well... People deal with things in different ways- so if your children laugh, cry what have you don't get upset and who cares what others think because people's emotions play differently. I kinda laughed and cried at my grandpa's funeral and it was kinda like he was there making me laugh I was just flooded with memories.

When her rat was passing on she literally held him the entire time cause that was her pet.