i've a wee problem. its my birtday next week and several of my firends and i are going out for dinner, drinks and silliness, all well so far. however! a very good friend of mine is the ex girlfriend of another friend of mine who i see alot less, an i being dopey asked him if he wants to come along. anyway, she says she can't come if he does cause "itll be weird". i;d rather she came along than he but how do you univite soemone? also, forgive my rant, but its been about a year and ahalf, they've both seen other people since, tons of folk are going so they don;t have to talk, i wish they wouldn't be so childish!

If you would rather she go then tell the fella that the night has been cancelled and then he wont turn up!
Or if you can talk to the fella, tell him the truth and say I hope you understand, although if he is a good friend he might be hurt that you would rather her go!! Oh dear not much help am I!

lol, don;t worry about it, sympathy is nice to. i don't want to lie about it. my (cowardly) plan is that he's not terribly reliable so i figure if i leave it he'll maybe back out...i am a wimp. i just don;t get the avoiding each other months and months on thing...there is no one in this world i really feel the need to avoid, it's just really childish and i;m a wee bit miffed at her for it to be honest, it's my birthday you think they'd make an effort.

LoL maybe she still holds a candle for him? doesnt want to see him with someone else as she feels hurt etc

How about explaining to him that she feels very awkward about seeing him again (or something around those lines) he may then be a gent and say him wont come to save everyones feelings. Or do as i'd do and go for your cowardly way (HA HA) i always worry about hurting peoples feelings im just tooooo nice (not that OH would agree)

nah i doubt it, he treated her appalingly. also he's the same way usually, hopefully the same this time and he'll not come

see this is my concern, be a grown up and do it or be a wimp. i think wimp till i figure it out.

I'm going to look at this from the other side, re. your last comment - about them being childish.  If there are lots of people going, then as you say, they don't need to talk.  If your friend (the girl) is a good friend, then she should be willing to go anyway as it's your special night.  I've had to do it before - my friend's birthday a few years back, and my ex was there.  And no-one else!  Just the 3 of us.  I knew it would be uncomfortable - and it was - but I went, because it was her day and I knew she'd be hurt if I didn't.

I can understand the avoiding each other thing - that was the last time I saw him and I've only just started speaking to him again, after about 3 years.  But to put that in the way of your birthday is selfish IMO!  I would explain to the guy what the girl has said, and I would say to the girl that you want her to be there because she is a good friend.  Then I'd leave it up to her.

I'm dreadful for trying to keep family and friend ties going despite adversity - but I take a tough stance with stuff like this.  Some things are more important than a bit of psychological discomfort for one night!

yay! so i'm not a selfish cow expecting people to get their act together for my birthday? anyway, i;ve been brave (ish) and bebo'd my friend (guy) and explained but said would he prefer to go for lunch just us anyway as i;ve not seen him in ages and we'll never get a chance for a proper chat at the night out (theres gonna be 20 odd folk)

I'm with Nikita on this. It's your 'do', so you invite whoever you want. It's up to your guests to be mature or not, as they choose.

I agree. I'd be inclined to say it is your night so you choose who you want. If she is going to be like that about it why not try from the other angle and say you've spoken to him and he's fine with seeing her;water under the bridge and that. Try to make her see taht she's the only one behaving like a child. maybe she's still got feelings from him. Normally if you're not bothered you dont care less if you see them or not (well i dont anyway) :-)

I would tell him that your friend is being a bit off about it as she still has issues and then say to him to come for drinks later so she is not sitting at a meal with him.  It is easier to be in the pub with someone you don't want to see than in a restaurant.  If there is an atmosphere will that not ruin your night anyway?

thing is i know he'll be off with the idea now he knows she'll be there. its so silly. my flatmates not a huge fan of him either after what happened with my friend and him. frankly he was an arse but its not my business to judge him for it. anyway it'll be easier if he didn't come. can i just ask, when do we turn into gron ups? 23 and most of my friends are older and we;re not there yet....

How about telling him you've invited her (don't say it was well after his invite) and would he be ok sitting at the other end of the table or would he rather just go for a drink some other time. Then he's got an easy option to back out.

Re growing up, I'm not sure, I haven't done it at 33 and nor has my mum! :-D

well i've been brave and honest about it, job done. still feel pretty miffed though. and i get the impression from my flatmate that my friend is annoyed that i invited him...however i'm not 100% convinced about the accuracy of this. anyway, job done, being taken out tonight by the boyfriend for my dinner so should hopefully be nice