Just after a bit of guidance...

Over the past 2 years I have lost 3 grandparents & my OH's dad died after an accident in Oct this year, I don't think I need to say how difficult the past few months have been.  Obviously with Xmas approaching things are going to be hard, I'm guessing everything will be a little subdued too.  What I'm after is how to appraoch the actual day, I've always spent every Xmas with my Grandparents so them not being around, esp at dinner will be hard & OH's dad loved Xmas, won't be the same without him.  Do we use the day to remember them? not mention it for fear of ruining everyone elses day?!

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hello gembo.  Sorry to hear of the bereavements you have had this year.  There is no easy way to get through this, unfortunately, but just think that your grandparents would not have wanted you to not enjoy yourself at Christmas or any other time.  Remember them with love and just think that they all played a big part in making you the person you are.  If you can, concentrate on the people you have left. x

Hi gembo,

condolences on your losses :(  We've been in this position before and all I would say is that we felt better for talking about our family Christmases in the past and remembering funny things etc we'd done together.  I don't think anyone will be able to block out grief and try to make things "normal" like previous years because, simply, they're not - it will be different and will be tinged with much sadness but grief, regardless of time of year, is better expressed and shared IMO with those you love.

I wouldn't say you need "use the day to remember them", better that you should each be comfortable to talk about them and if they all really enjoyed Christmas then why not share stories or jokes or prezzie disasters related to them ;)  Even in your grief you will each have happy memories.

HTH, blessings to you all for peace of mind and heart and a joyous Christmas despite the sadness you're going through.
Teri x 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to approach it, everyone handles grief in a different way.  You need to sit down with your OH and decide jointly how you want to play it.  Will you have other family / friends around especially children?  you may find that they will dictate how the day goes.

It is very difficult expecially the first one after you have lost a loved one :(

I think the best thing to do is not have any expectations on how you think you should feel and just take it as it comes. If there are tears there will hopefully be smiles as well as you try and remember the happy times and how your loved ones would have wanted you to have a happy time and try enjoy the day :)

I think talking about them is a very good way of dealing with the grief and helps heal the pain in some way way :)

Lucy
xx

Christmas is never the same once youve lost those close to you!

I totally feel for you, we have been in the same situation for the past 4yrs, have lost 5 members of our family in that time. I think as others have said and go with the flow. If you do end up talking about them then dont feel you have to put on a brave face, your only human after all.
Hugs to you all.

Nicci xx

I know exactl how you feel. my boyfriend has just lost his 27 year old cousin to Bone Cancer, he was so young and went slowly but at least he was home when he died in his sleep.
This christmas will be one to forget not to remember. :(

It is a time to celebrate Christmas, you just have to accept the changes year on year, and sadly they just get harder.
So my advise to you would be there is no advise you just keep going and if you can .............raise a glass to 'absent friends'.
No one you have lost would like it any other way.
Karen

So my advise to you would be there is no advise you just keep going and if you can .............raise a glass to 'absent friends'

My grandfather passed away 3 years ago a month before Christmas.  Like most, he loved Christmas and it was him that taught me and my brother how to play cards for pennies and sweets.    It was also always tradition that Grandad poured the brandy over the christmas pudding and lit it.  The first Christmas, when it came to the pudding, we all filled our glasses and made a toast "This one is for you Grandad" whilst my grannie lit the pudding.  We all had tears in our eyes but we also all had a smile on our faces as we knew that Grandad wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Even in our card game that year, we upped the stakes to 10p (to make a bigger "pot")  in memory of him and I know for definite that it would have got his approval!

Any time of year is difficult for those who have lost loved ones but Christmas does tend to bring it home but I am sure that your grandparents and your OH's cousin would still want you all to enjoy the spirit of Christmas just as my grandad wanted us to.
Kerri xx

Perfect Kerri..............;-)

We all deal with grief differently, and nobody can tell another person what is right.  I lost my Dad a couple of weeks before Christmas, and didn't celebrate Christmas, because I was too upset.  I didn't send a single Christmas card, and people who knew me accepted that.  I remember going to Tesco one evening, and the Salvation Army were outside singing carols, and everyone was smiling.  I was too grief stricken, and couldn't handle the smiling.  When I walked into the store, they were playing an Elvis song.  It'll be a Blue Christmas without you.  I just sobbed and sobbed.  Some of us just can't carry on as if nothing had happened.

My Mum died last year on Dec 6th,and her funeral was on Dec 18th. I was out looking for suitable black clothes to wear,and everything I saw was sparkly and Xmasy. The shops were filled with all the Xmas songs,but one in particular hit me hard It was "Simply having a Wonderful Xmastime". I couldn't bear to stay in the shop and just quickly walked out and left the  shopping centre.Mum wouldnt have wanted us to wear black and mourn,so I settled for a black and white blouse with black skirt,jacket and tights.
She lived in Aldershot with my sister,and we had to get a train to London and then another one to Aldershot,and the same coming back and didnt get back to Glasgow till the 21st Dec,so we didnt really celebrate Xmas last year,apart from making sure the youngest ones had their toys and a good time.
This year will be a sad one without her,but she will always be there in our thoughts.

Have a peaceful,happy Xmas everyone.
Jean

Thank you all so much for you kind words, your post Kerri brough a tear to me eye.  After posting & reading your replies it gave me the courage to approach the subject with OH & family & we now know what we are doing for dinner etc.  Mum & Gran normally do the cooking so to ease the pain a bit me & OH are going to do it, something to occupy our minds too.  I think a toast (with champagne!) at dinner would be a really nice touch to commenerate (sp?) their lives, just acknowledge we miss them but not intrude too much on the celebrations.  OH's family are doing a mini Christmas day on Christmas Eve so we'll be joining them then, OH's mum will have all her family with her over the period so eases the pressure on us a little.  I know this year in particular will be hard but Christmas is a time of joy & celebration & I know neither of my grandparents would want us to be miserable on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

Once again thank you so much for your posts & may I wish you all a very happy Christmas & a prosperous 2008 (I know I'm hoping it will be better than the last 2 years!)

thats pretty much what we did when my gran passed away gembo. focus on haing a nice day. are there kids around? i found my nephew a great distraction on the day. thinking of you and hope you have a good one