Well as you may or may not know I had Gemma PTS on 4th December. I got her ashes back on thursday.
I am not coping well at all.
I havnt cried for over a week, and only then on the night I had her PTS, then the next morning at something completely un related.
I went out last night for first time since. But wasnt myself.
I have no motivation to do anything.
I havnt even bought and xmas presents yet.
I HATE feeling like this, but I cant get myself out of it 
I have been taking Ebba running with me and have got her up to 4 1/2 miles with the running club who all loved her. But even that isnt making me feel much better.Mate brought me home last night at 2 am and sat with me ranting raving moaning, but not crying.
I dont know what I can do.
As most of you will know this is NOT me, I am happy cheerful what ever I do, but I cant be 
I dont know where I have gone. I am not here.
I cant even reply to posts I normally do., I cant put smilies on.
I cant laugh and joke.
Lea.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Bereavement strikes everyone differently. You were very anxious about dear Gemma for a long time, and this emptiness and blankness is the aftermath. I promise you that you will feel better again, but  I can't tell you when it will be. I've been in that horrible place and it's not easy to escape from; but please believe me when I say that it passes. It really does. In the meantime you just need to keep going through the motions of your life till you find it's coming together again.

Oh no, poor you :(  It is the most terrible thing when our pets have to be put to sleep and it affects everyone in different ways.  You will start to feel better but it does take time.  You never get over these things really, you just learn to accept them and live with them and one day the horrible feeling starts to get taken over by happier feelings and you start to feel happy and not sad when you think of your pet.  The good really does overcome the bad.  It's still very early days for you yet but I really hope you start to feel better soon.

CG

I don't know what to tell you Lea. :( I've never been hit that hard by a death. The only incident that ever brought me so low was the end of a relationship. I was numb and would break down in tears for no reason at the most inappropriate places, like work. It went on for a few weeks. I think it finally hit me one day that while I was in limbo life had been carrying on. Then it dawned on me that nothing could really destroy me - no matter how bad I felt initially life went on. It gave me an inner strength that will take me through anything now. When you're ready you'll wake up one morning and know that you're through grieving. You'll look around and see all the beautiful life around you, your children, your dogs, your Ric, and your wonderful memories of Gemma and the peace will come.

Remember when you asked about when the time would be right so say goodbye and no one could give you a definitive answer. It's the same now Lea. You'll never forget Gemma, but time will take you to a bittersweet place where you feel the sadness but it will be more remote and you'll be able to look at picture of your girl with a tear and a smile. It will happen. :) I promise. :) :) guess I thought of something to tell you after all

I know where you are now Lea, when I had to have my Glen PTS I could not forgive myself for ages, outwardly he looked fine, but had Lymphoma & would have died in a great deal of pain. He was the first dog I had to have PTS & I blamed myself for his death. None of my other dogs could replace him or even come near to our relationship & bond.

However with time the pain fades(it never does disappear though)& I can remember our time together with a smile & a tear.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it made me stronger & with other dogs I have lost I never hesitated to put their welfare first. The actual decision wasn't any easier nor the aftermath, but I coped much better.

If we do not grieve we could never cope with life itself

Lea it hit me like this when I lost Rambo in January. I've never known anything like it (and I've lost a lot of pets over many years), and everyone noticed the difference to any other time I've lost any pet -including the vet who wasn't even there at the time.(I think my reaction was so strong the nurse who was there reported back to my vet. It was out of hours with a locum.) All I can say is that it DOES get better. It just takes time, a lot of time.  I spent MONTHS telling people who asked me "Sorry, I can't talk about it yet". I just could not do it. Then one day I found I was able to -this was about summertime I think. Even now I haven't been able to bring myself to burying the ashes and I don't know if I ever will, because I don't want to let go of that last part.I ordered a photo enlargement and it still sits in the envelope, not looked at, not framed. It's been 11 months and I'm still not ready for that. But generally, I'm back to normal.

I don't think there is anything you can do, just allow it to take time and not expect too much, and don't feel bad about grieving so much -you're allowed!

Lea, you will be happy and cheerful again but at the moment you are grieving and you need to accept that you can't control you heart or your mind.
I think all of us who adore our dogs, and other pets, know the incredible bond you have with them. It is so strong and can't be broken just because our dear pet has to go.
Memories of happy times with Gemma will come to the surface and all of a sudden you will notice that you are more like your old self.
Believe me, I still get quite tearful when I think of my dear little lads who have now gone and this goes back 27 years. I miss them but I know that they had happy lives and were loved - and that's the very best we can do for them.
This is a horrible time of year to feel unhappy but you have the support of everybody on this site, and I'm sure many other friends.
Dog people are the best people to talk to - we do understand and will listen.
Val

Know exactly where you are coming from chuck, it hurts so much, took me ages to get over losing my elderley lad the other year, but it does get easier with time, each week you will feel slightly better. And in time will be able to look back on Gemma and smile about all the good times you had together and how much you loved her.
Not much consolation for now I know, but you have to think about what a good life you gave her etc....she is in peace now and that is what matters.

Probably worse with it being Christmas too, everyone (pretending to be happy) its so irriating!

Focus on your other dog and youll get through

xxxxx

All of the things you mention are normal grief reactions, so dont feel bad about having them. I was thinking back to how I coped the last time I lost one of mine...her name was portia and she was eight months old when i lost her, and that will be 6 years ago in January. she died sudenly and it was a terrible shock, and I was in a terrible state. Looking back, this is how it went....
I took some time from work, who were extremely supportive. When I got back to work I was very open with everyone who asked, and found them to be extremely supportive and willing to talk if i needed to. I was surprised at how helpful people were.  It helped me a lot to talk about it. As there were also other bad things going on in my life at the time, I went to the doctor and he prescribed some light antidepressants, which I was on for a short time, but they prevented me from falling into a spiral of despair, and tok the edge off the pain. At the time I had no other dogs, so I threw my energy into searching for another pup, although I didnt have much enthusiasm initially, it provided a distraction. One morning a few months later, I realised that I had managed to actually go a few hours without having sad thoughts. I also noticed that I could smila at the thought of my new pup, and other things, and I realised that the cloud was lifting, and that my life was beginning again. Dont get me wrong, I cry when I think of her, when I see her photographs, and I love her deeply, but its not disloyal to move on.

My best advice to you therefore is to talk to people who understand. Try to limit the time spent putting yourself in situations where you get very distressed. Look at her photos by all means, but make sure that you are not spending the whole day on it, and best not do it just before bed as it affects your sleep. Speak to your doctor if you are having difficulty in switching off from this, as he\she can help distinguish if this is a straightforward grief reaction or if there is an additional element of depression that could be helped with medication. Its early days yet, and you will find that in time you can let go of your grief, and you will feel positive again. Sometimes I think I tried to hold on to my grief as a kind of link with her, and had guilty feelings if I found myself feeling happpy about anything. That was the wrong thing to do. For now, accept that it is normal to feel like this, embrace it for a while, then give yourself permission to be happy.
Cathy

i'm so sorry about the way your feeling, it's an awful time. when i was 15 my special boy Chad who i'd grown up with since the age of 1 was pts... he'd been collapsing, having fits etc but i wouldn't accept it till he just came and sat with his head on my knee one day and just looked so fed up, he was telling me it was time. dad had him at the vet the next day and i ended up sobbing in the middle of modern studies at school. they are part of your family to an extent that those without dogs cannot understand, i'm still mourning my gran 2 years on, why not your dog? pinklillies is right about having some time to yourself about it, if it was a (god forbid) parent, child, sibling etc you would, why not with a creature that often fills all of those roles? i promise it will get easier. i tried to think about how i really didn't want Chaddy to still be alive, i loved him to much to put him through that, same applies to the dogs we've had since. she'll be somewhere much better now, with no more discomfort. you'll get through it, i hope your getting a lot of in-person support, not just online from us. thinking of you

Lea, I cried solid for a whole week and felt a part of my life was missing for months when my Carrington finally went.

It is the worst time of year for you to have this happen, some of us find crying easier, some hold back and feel as you do now, my advise to you is to let it out.

You need to find a way to let go and put her to rest. Being given the ashes for me does not help, you need to do something with them be it a nice cabinet a nice shelf, a rose bush..................

I did it by burying Carrington in my mum's garden with a tree, it made me feel happier that he had a final resting place and that he was still here with us.

Then you need to think of Gemma in a happy light, try not to think of your own saddness but of what a lovely dog she was, somehow that frame of mind then brings a smile instead of a tear.

Thinking of you, and a big ((((((HUG))))) 

Jenna. x

I am so sorry for your loss, as everyone says it will get easier even tho it doesn't seem it now.  I lost Tiger Lily 22 months ago now and still have a little tear.  Last night on tv, there was the westlife thing followed by x-factor and twice "You raise me up" was sung and that was the song on the radio when I took her to the vets for the last time - it's the silliest of things that will set you off.  I have two Tiger Lily plants that I bought after she died, and when we moved house in September they were the first thing in the car to come with us, I couldn't leave them cos I talk to them.

I used to think people were odd when their pets passed cos they went into mourning, but I have never felt this type of grief before and now I understand.  Just keep your memories and in time you will sit back and smile. 

Remember - you never lose your best friend because they are always in your heart.

Thinking of you

When we buried Jet in Sept. it was excruciatingly sad but not unexpected.  We'd known for two years her back was bad and at nearly 14 and a half we, as in your other post, were just wondering when and how we would know the time was right to say goodbye.  The next day we took our annual fall drive to Algonquin Park to see the leaves.  Jet had always come with us and visiting all the old places was sad and teary for us.  Worst when we met other people with their dogs.  We cried a lot but I think that visiting places she had been with us was a catharsis of sorts.  We allowed ourselves to wallow in grief.  It got a little easier after that but I still come home and go to say hello to her sometimes.  Or I am out shopping and think, gee it's nice out I should get home and take Jetski out while it's nice.  I still wake up at night crying for her, just not every night now.  Think of Gemma as much as you can and remember the good times you had together.

I am so sorry to hear the sad news and I'm sending you a big hug.
Its never easy saying good bye. At this moment in time no words can comfort your feelings.
My old retriever who died one day before his 16th birthday died at home in my arms and I cried for many days afterwards.
It was very painful when I buried him in the garden. I put a lovely willow tree above him and a small flower bed around that and even now I still have a chat to him as he sleeps.
I always think of the good times we had and he has a special place in my heart as he helped me through an illness.
They never really leave you, your heart and soul will always remember them and no matter what happens they will always be watching over you.

Big hug
Stuart X X

Lea,  I cant say anything any better than everybody else has.  Just the age old cliche that time is a great healer.  Its an awful thing that happened and Gemma was with you through some very tough times. I just hope you find some inner strength to get you to those shops and make this the christmas that Gemma would have enjoyed with you and the kids.

best wishes

Maxine

I can't really add anything to the other very well put posts except to add my voice to the support and say don't get angry with yourself for feeling how you feel, you are grieving, and as time goes on the pain will get less. (((((Hugs)))))

Today I got home to find a sympathy card from the vets.
One that they send out to all cats and dogs that are pts, but this one was special.
The vet, Shannon, who was one of the 2 vets that looked after Gemma in the last year and the one that came out to the house that day had written in it, will give you the gist without typing it out.
She asked if we were ok and coping.  Said she could see howw much love IU had for her and how tough it was for me, and that she will always remember my compassion.
Tomorrow I am taking Ebba to see Shannon for her booster, And going to take a thankyou card in for both her and Istvan. Something I have been meaning to do fr last 2 weeks, but havnt been able to wwrite.
Lea.

Lea, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in :(
Just wanted to send some big {{{HUGS}}}

Dee

Sorry, what I should have said was it was really unexpected and kind forshannon to send that, and made me feel 'different' And very special and humble that a vet that sees this everyday could write such a personal message to me. But she was the vet that was cuddling me crying with me after Gemma had gone.
Also, thankyou very much for all your comments, experiences. I do now feel I am not alone in the way I am feeling which I did before.
I feel now that I am going 2 very baby steps forward and 1 back. instead of going backwards, so hopefully things are looking forward.
Am off for a few weeks as of saturdaY. That will either make me or break me!!! Think I am going to have to catch up with alot of people I have neglected. That way I will be kept busy.
Thankyou again.
Lea.

Huge {{{{{hugs}}}}} Lea... Only time will heal, but time has no limit.... when I let Megan go, (brain tumour) I was gutted, but she had a wonderful life, my memories of her were good... When I lost Ellie (Cancer) again, I was gutted. she was just a baby (14months) but again, her life was good.. However, when I lost Xanthe, I truly thought the world had come to an end.. I didnt speak to anyone bar monosylables for nearly a week, I didnt function or focus, my dogs didnt get walked, I went through the motions with them...

I often wonder that if Xanthe had had a better start in life (brain cells not addled) and she was able to integragte with the others, that I would have spent more time with her. instead she was excluded from the doggy fun, walks, play, integration just sitting cuddling watching TV etc.. more because she was hyper and it was safer for her to be seperated... hindsight is a crap excuse, and I feel guilt... Its nearly a year now since I lost her, and I have never returned to the woods she loved to run free in... yet I have gone back with the dogs to Megans old haunts and Ellies favorite walks...

I have read your post about Gemma... please.. dont let guilt eat you up,

After nearly a year, I am now beginning to laugh when people talk about Xanthe and her 'antics' rather than feel guilt that I couldnt do anything to change her circumstances...

I dont suppose this is much help to you, but to let you know, time really does help, even if it is a year before you come to terms with her loss...dont force yourself to feel differently... grief is a strange phenomena... take your time and allow yourself to go through it...

We are all here for you... and we care...

Kay
xx

Lea, you are grieving for a much loved friend.  Grieving is a process and you will at some point feel better but for now you will have some bad times and some that are slightly better.  I could tell you the sort of things you may be feeling but I suspect that that is not what you need just now.  You will feel better but don't push yourself and don't tell yourself how you feel etc is not right, it is right.

Lea, I don't know you, but I know one thing and this is the way you are coping is your way of working through your grief.  Everyone is different, and reacts differently to any situation.  Some cry outwardly, some don't some just feel the pain inwardly and cry whey they are alone.  But you will have the strength to get through this.

Time is a great healer (I hated listening to that when I was in your situation) but it is true, you will never ever forget Gemma, but one day you will be able to talk about her and remember the happy times.  Occasionally you will break down right out of the blue, but that's OK.

You did everything possible for Gemma.  Don't get angry with yourself for having normal feelings, try to accept them.  Horrible as they are it's what you need to get through and move on.  Gemma will not want you to be so sad, she knows she was loved and had the best owner ever.

Christmas is a stressful time enough for people who are not experiencing the pain you are feeling. So it is going to be a million times worse for you at the moment, but I promise you it will pass.

What I'm trying to say is the way you are feeling and the way you are coping is right for you, it is your way of grieving so don't fight it.

Thankyou everyone.
Today I took one of my other dogs to the vets for a routine vaccine and to check up on some itchy skin.
I waited for Shannon to say thankyou for the card and give her a card from me.
had to wait for ages as she was on a home visit. Gave her a hug, which she cried because she had just put another dog to sleep.
But spoke to her for quite a while. She said Gemma had gone down hill very quickly, and when she saw her name on the list, her heart dropped as she was hoping she would see christmas.
I did tell her about the nurse that when I picked up Gemmas ashes decided to tell me I wouldnt have got them all back, just enough to fit in the box :( Maybe so, but this is one time I wish I could have lived in blissfull ignorance!!!
BUT, after speaking to her, signing the remainder of the forms that needed signing and taking a fit dog in and her given near enough a clean bill of health, I do feel a bit happier.
Its like today I can smile a bit.
I dont know if it was closure today or what but I do feel more able to smile and maybe even laugh. And actually wanting to go and get presents tomorrow not dreading it.
I know I have a long way to go, but I think I am starting on the long road, and not sitting at the cross roads wondering which way to go.
Thankyou for all your support over the last 2 weeks, and I am sorry, but I am sure I will need more.
Lea :) <--- I have put a smile which for the last 2 weeks I havnt been able to at all as felt to guilty, so I must be feeling a bit better

Lea, as you know I also had lost my Springer Joy on December 7 of this year.  I know what you are going through, as it is the same for me.  Stupid me though, I have been keeping myself busy from wake to sleep.  I cant sit down and think of Joy, without tears coming, or a lump in my throat. 

What you are feeling is normal, and I know that because not only am I going through it right now, but with my schooling and such in the related field.  It takes time.  When you love a pet so much, and have to do the most humaine thing possible for them, it takes a toll.

Remember, sometimes the Kindest things are often the hardest. 

I found the WORST people to talk to were ones that dont have pets.  They say "it was just a dog," but it never is just a dog.  Gemma, as Joy was to me, was a part of your life.  You not only have to deal with the emotions you are feeling over the actual loss, but with your whole life being upturned.  There is some sort of schedule we dog owners put ourselves on, some sort of structure.  Now, that has changed.  You are dealing with 2 things, the loss of your beloved pet and friend, as well as the whole upheavale on your life. 

And having more than one dog, doesnt make it easier either (at least it hasnt for me).  You just have to go through your emotions, your grief, in HOW YOU think it should be done.  Dont let anyone tell you that "its just a dog" and that the time passed is long enough.  My answer would be "%^&*&^&* &^*^^  *&^&*   &*^&*&"  Lets just say I would land it right into them. 

My hugs and prayers are with you.  From one greiver to another, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not an oncoming train.  (although right now it feels it)

Crespin