You think there are enough children in the world.  Okay - I can understand that.   But what about dogs?   Do you feel the same way about dogs?    Please don't think I'm attacking you.  I'm not - I'm just asking you to question yourself.

In the meantime, whether you like it or not .......I'm sending you an ENORMOUS HUG !!!!! :d

> You think there are enough children in the world.  Okay - I can understand that.   But what about dogs?   Do you feel the same way about dogs?    Please don't think I'm attacking you.

yes i do and thats why we look carefully at breeding. at lot of people dont do the same with children.
you see 12 + children pregnant or people who have drug/ alcohol dependancies and these children suffer as a consequence.
making a life is the biggest thing you will do in your life and making sure that life is correctly looked after mentally and physically is something they dont consider.
my mother constantly told me she wanted an abortion and consequently she was never interested in me, and im sure im not the only one out there that has had not the most conventional upbringing.
i think bringing a child into the world is generally thought about less than breeding or buying a puppy

I never wanted kids - wouldn't have wanted to bring them into this sesspit of a planet :-)  But I think I might be coming round to the idea.  I know older couples though who have never had children out of choice.  I guess if you have children then you have to share your OH and for people who have been starved of love (or who previously pushed it away) that is a hard thing to do - I know :-)

I'm going to have several kids - just because I think the world should be punished for what it did to me, by having lots of little Granite's! Mwahahahaha!

" bury and leave alone"

by doing this your not coping and havnt delt with it !! this will always hold you back and you not ever feel free from the pain you have locked away .

xx

>and was made to go to counselling.
>the session lasts 45 mins and i spent 5 sessions just literally not speaking ha ha ha.

>i do have the issue of discussing the feelings related to that. the simple fact is I JUST DONT. i dont speak on >how i feel at all. bury and leave alone.

It sounds to me like the feelings you have about this are just too strong to examine closely or even acknowledge.  I think you may benefit from counselling, but only when YOU are ready and it sounds like you aren't ready yet ;)

In the meantime, you are avoiding meeting the very people who helped shape your man and make him who he is today - someone you love and trust and who understands you.  They sound like good people to me and well worth getting to know ;)  and who knows, you might even like them  ;)

ETA you never waste the time of a counsellor - even if you say nothing while you are with them, it doesn't work like that ;)  you would still have been thinking about why you were there so in a way it is just as productive, even if it doesn't feel like it ;)

I'm sorry but I can't believe that you haven't seen his parents nor want to and especially after all this time.  If I started going out with someone and they didn't want to meet my family he'd be gone in a split second as to me it's as though even though they produced me into what I think is a really nice person the person who supposedly loves me doesn't want to see how I became the person I am.

Be honest with them about your family.  If you don't get on then you won't have to meet up to often.

I think you may need to go to see a therapist, i dont me to be rude but what you have said is quite alarming. You were treated badly by your family and have some issues with abandonment. Your OH loves his family and why would he not want to ring or see them several times a week, i do with our parents and its rather strange not too. If i was his parents id be wondering whats wrong. His family are a huge part of his life, they brought him into the world.

I would go and see someone who can talk out your issues, and that families most of the time are a good thing. You havent had this bond with your family and its totally understandable why you feel this way. Although its not healthy.

> and as for children/grandchildren that would be another sticking point if they asked as i wont be having any.

lol, mahonc what do you think these people are going to do to you??

i'm sorry, i don;t mean to make light of your feelings, clearly they are based on deeply held hurts in the past which is horrible for you. but a near perfect stranger is not going to quiz you on your background, family and breeding prospects (lol you are after all not a stud dog!), they will probably make light conversation about the food if you go out to eat and what you do and how you and your other half met etc. they won;t pin you down, whip out thumbscrews and demand every aspect of your past and yourself on a platter, honestly. its a bit scary meeting the OH's parents for everyone, but not what your building it up to.

edited to add. and on the grandparent score, tough! their your ovaries! my parents and oh;s mum are a bit gutted but we came right out and said during a conversation about it we're not having kids. end of.

I'm not going to read all the way though this thread as I get the general gist of how most people feel.

I had a very similar start to my relationship with my OH

I just dont get the parent thing ive never had that connection so dont understand it.

I felt the same as far as my parents were concerned.

I know what you mean about him ringing them regularly or vice versa, my OH had parents that wanted that kind of relationship with him and he was happy to have it, I was the one that found it strange, I'd left home at 18 and been independant.

If the truth be known then the likes of you and me are the ones that have lost out because we don't have that family pull.

You feel cool to all things 'family' because it may not have been particularly good for you. Your OH on the other hand has good family feelings and wants you to be part of them. He want's you to feel the same kind of feelings of belonging that he has and the fact that he wants to pull you into this net is very important to him and to your future with him.

I know it feels strange and alien but I would suggest that you jump over the edge and meet them. I did with my OH folk's, I felt out of place and could not understand the ease of being that seemed to be amoungst them all. They seemed so relaxed with one another and this was odd to me, in time though it sort of spread and I became more at ease with the idea of them.

It was good for my relationship with OH and it was good for my relationship with myself. I still find family things tight but not as bad as I would if I hadn't jumped over the edge.

Go for it, take a deep breathe and try it :)

very good post pinky, i'm glad you've found a good thing with your OH and family :)

they must feel very puzzled to say the least about why you won't meet them.i can understand your reluctance due to your not having seen your family in 15 years.is there any chance of that situation improving?i think more for your boyfriend's parents sake you should make an effort to see them on a very informal basis,almost accidentally.it's not something you should get yourself in a state about though.in the end ,if you won't do it for the man you love then you won't do it for anyone.i hope youcan do it,you'll make a lot of people happy,probably including yourself!

:-D :-D Oh mahonc,

What are we to do with you! :-)

I come from such a large close family everything you say and feel is like listening to an alien, (your not are you? :-D ) I had no idea someone could feel that way. I couldn't contemplate not having family in my life, you would be my daughter-in-law from hell. :-D If your other half moves in with you, you are going to rip him in two as you will become even more obsessed and annoyed with the fact that you feel it should just be the two of you, you know this is a form of control,  not just fear of the unknown, but wanting someone just to yourself and not wishing and possibly in the future allowing anyone into his/your life causes nothing but distruction in the long term. We are all capable of loving many people it takes nothing away from being in love with you.

Sorry, but I can't see how your relationship can work longterm, I'm shocked it has lasted this long, you must have a terrific guy here to put up with your lack of acceptance in meeting and embracing his family. I'm not saying that in a horrible way, more of a shocked way. :-) It also goes to show that you must be a terrific gal too, whom he loves dearly to put up with it, so hats off to you, you must be really special.

There are plenty of people in this world who have had rotten childhoods and have rotten families, but they generally know this is not normal and family is a part of every single person good or bad. I really feel you need to change the way you think and feel, it's so 'abnormal' sorry :-) but it is, you need someone to redifine family and the need for it/of it for the sake of your relationship. I would talk to a counsellor open your mind to that too, they are good people who help us to think differently, nothing to be ashamed of and don't say they won't work unless you try one.

Poor you, you came on asking if you are being awkward and are told to see a counsellor, hope your not offended, it is quite funny. :-D And yes, your being awkward.

Sounds to me if he wants you to meet his parents is because he is proud of you and wants to share the love he found with his family.... Sorry but if you are going to find it hard to have his parents/family part of your life with this man then you should probably really sit down and ask yourself if you really want to share your life with this man cause he obviously loves his parents and his family could be a very close one- like x-mas dinners, easter dinners, ect ect or just come by for dinner for a visit....

When I first met my hubby I didn't want to meet his parents right away I wanted to wait a bit and I also had a lil 1yr old girl, I was worried if they would except my child was not worried about me- and well they adored her and me and I actually see them as my parents as well, I was also very shy at first telling him to not leave me alone with them lol... They are the type of family that like to have huge suppers at x-mas, easter, ect or just have a family BQ with relatives ect for no reason but just to get together. This is something I had to get use to cause when I moved back home with my mom all the family/relative get togethers stopped :-( - I had a real crappy child hood when my mother took my sister and I back when I was 6 she was 8 or so and moved us in with her boyfriend (dad died when I was 8 months we were living with his parents till then) and we realized this man of hers came first. My sister booted out at 15 me just before I turned 16 and now I am getting closer to my mom but we do see my hubby's parents alot more then we see my mom, but I do talk to my mom alot on the phone almost everyday and I try to let the past go cause to move ahead that is what you have to do if you yourself wants to be happy....

Maybe if you were not booted out at 14 you may have the same type of relationship as the man you say you love (don't no what happened or why you were but I will not pry non of my business) in all I don't think you should deny him his parents- after all they are his parents and if you cannot let him have them or talk to them then he may end up regretting being with you... Just like if you 2 ever plan on having children are you not going to want to be different then your parents were to you- to be in their life and want to see them when they grow up and have that close bond with them that you did not have with your own family? With this all said your hubby and his family can show you how a happy functional family can be (mind you all family's have skeletons in the closet)- who knows maybe you will actually fall inlove with his family and may even be the one calling them- you don't no what the future holds but don't  be so cold to not even give them a chance after all you did allow this man into your life and found love....

Mind you I would not like it if his parents got into our business ect they leave our love life alone- they even do our taxes for us and his dad is helping us renovate. They do not pry into our private life- if they want to call and chat to their son or grandchildren everyday then so be it... I lived 1 house away from my mom and hubby was worried she would be over everyday- nope for the first 2 weeks maybe but that died off fast lol it may be a big thing for a couple of months of enviting over but doesn't last forever- I learned what it was like to have family/relative suppers and its actually nice and the children need that as well- why? Cause no matter how you look at it family is important cause that is all you have in the end is your family and this man must really love you if he has held off for 3yrs already for you meeting his parents- why make him chose if you love him as well? You have to realize his family is not yours and maybe that is something your worried about on how they will look at you- don't be, be yourself and I am sure they will love you just like a daughter Inlaw if you two decide on that path :-)

Sorry so long winded but I realized with all that has happened between my mom and I she is still my mom and now she is really sick and could not get her first cancer treatment today because she has a cold- to even think life with out her scares me- She is all I have left for a parent and if something happens to her I just have my hubby's but thats not my MOM :-(

As another said because he loves them. I spoke to my brother in the Maldives yesterday, he said the weather is great and how work? no other reason. My Dad's away but phoning every day to see how my MIL is and is my OH ok.

How people are with their parents can tell you how they will be with you, whilst you are having a relationship with you he is also involved in a life long relationship with them. Love doesn't get put in box's if he is with you it does not mean he stops loving or thinking about his family. Im really sorry you have such a fractured relationship with your parents but a well rounded person (which he sounds like he is) will be better for you than one who is prepared to live his life in isolation from his family. He wants the whole deal for you and wants to show you to his family as the person he is proud to be with. I think you are being awkward but I understand where you are coming from.

I had to introduce my OH to my folks when I was 35 and had two kids before Dad would stop asking questions and my OH was happy to oblige, I had to meet his parents to I just thought it was the natural and polite thing to do. The longer you leave it the more they will think there is something wrong with you! and there isn't is there?

You dont have to arrive with flowers and join the wine circle just say hello!

Oh dear your building a wall very high arent you? I gave birth to my son's I love them unreservadly. I dont care who they end up with as long as they are happy. I have had to let them go but they are in my heart forever. I hated my Mum she was loud and angry and agressive, but, she could also be very generous. When she died I was relived (Im not proud of that) but she was my Mum and I had to live with it. My MIL is a mum, at home, cooking dinners and cakes and accepted me and my son's as part of her family. She never gave me advice (unless I asked for it) sent mince pies at christmas and never, never made me feel any the less different from birth family I call her MUM.

Why should your partner miss out on his families love because his lady (you) has come into his life? you never know you may grow to love them to! don't build barriers when you do not need to, We all need approval, we all need non judgemental advice even if we ignor it and go our own way later. I took my Mum & Dad's advice and help when i needed it and didn't when I felt they were wrong. Talking to family members isnt a crime or odd its what close nit families do. I would give my brother my last 50p and I know he would do the same for me yet we do npt socialise much as I dont drink or smoke myself to death. He thinks my OH as a scout leader is funny but they both have a strong realtionship because they like each other. Honeychild familes can add top a relationship, my in laws would also tell OH if he was wrong and I was right which I also love them for!

Try, if it is as bad as you think it may be, don't try again but i think if he's nice then they can't be as bad as you fear.

>> I come from such a large close family everything you say and feel is like listening to an alien, (your not are you? :-D )

ha ha ha maybe maybe :)

Although i think reading it through i may have given you the wrong impression. i am the least controlling person ever, if he wants to go out with his friends i encourage him as i dont think he does
go out enough. And if he goes to see his family thats fine i dont want to stop him in anyway at all i actually like time on my own with the doglets.
The bit i dont understand is why he needs to speak to them so often, thats all now usually this suits me fine as he goes into a different room so not to disturb me so i can watch my programme in peace.

> Poor you, you came on asking if you are being awkward and are told to see a counsellor, hope your not offended, it is quite funny. :-D And yes, your being awkward. <IMG class=qButton title="Quote selected text" alt="Quote selected text" src="/images/mi_quote.gif">

and yes generally i am awkward hee hee but i have tried a counsellor after my tibunal and sitting in silence really didnt work.
i know by this post it makes me sound to some of you that im a bit cuckoo cuckoo but honestly im not im actually quite well rounded.
See what you need to realise for me, my childhood is normal and yours isnt and to you its the other way around its just what your used to really!! :)

i will try and get my mind around to meeting them  (thats why i asked for advice) but it wont be tomorrow or maybe even next month but i will do it :)

> Oh dear your building a wall very high arent you?

yes i do to everyone :) nothing affects you that way cos whoever wants to get close to you has to climb that wall to prove they care for you.

i know by this post it makes me sound to some of you that im a bit cuckoo cuckoo but honestly im not im actually quite well rounded.


Ahhh.... you actually do come across as a lovely person :-) Do you know I hardly get to say Hi to some of my brothers as my hubby is always hogging the phone talking to them. :-D I really hope that your partners family are lovely people who you will also enjoy talking to.

Best of luck let us know when you finally take the plunge how everything goes, meeting people for the first time is really scary, but at least you will be the star attraction and be fussed over - we all enjoy that. :-)

> im actually quite well rounded.

in the bum also :(

:-D :-D :-D Who cares!

>> Oh dear your building a wall very high arent you?
> yes i do to everyone :-) nothing affects you that way cos whoever wants to get close to you has to climb that wall to prove they care for you.

Oh you poor sausage, it's sad that life has made you feel like this. You make me think of that Paul Simon song 'I am a rock'

I hope in time you let your barriers down and don't try to shut everybody out, we all need people in our lives
xxx

You no maybe you could all go out for supper this way its on mutual grounds and well what does a supper outing last a couple hours maybe tops- this way you won't feel so uncomfortable in their house or having to bring them to your house...

You were obviously hurt pretty bad to build such a high wall- I no cause I have had a wall and over the years of knowing my hubby's parents that wall has certainly fell and I am glad I let them into my life... To be with someone you love is also being a part of his family- thats the reason why we love people we do what makes them happy as well as ourselves and getting to know his parents will make him happy this will also help you 2 grow as well.

I no when my children have friends/gf/bf I want to meet them or they just don't go out- I want to no who they are with and I hope when they grow up they still come over to visit lots- I wanna keep that close family going cause it really makes a happier life :-)

> You no maybe you could all go out for supper this way its on mutual grounds and well what does a supper outing last a couple hours maybe tops- this way you won't feel so uncomfortable in their house or having to bring them to your house...

HOURS????

>HOURS????

Just imagine you're going to dinner with your partner's boss and his wife. Be friendly and polite, and that's all it needs.

I was brought up in a family who cared for me well enough but after living away from home (at college) when I was 18 I realised I had no family home to live(mum had sold it and moved away when my dad died) We were never a family to really show our love or talk about things and when I found myslef almost homeless I moved away to work in another part of the country.
When i met my OH i quickly found he is very close to his family and they are very close nit. At first I didnt like the idea of this but I realised that as i loved my OH I had to make the effort...afterall, isnt love about making sacrifices/effort and trying that bit harder. I get on well with my 'almost in-laws'. Now I am a mum I can really see how I want us to be that close family like he and his are.
In life we dont always get what we want- and to put a few hours of effort in, to make your OH happy- its not really that much he's asking for is it?

don't be frightened by what you have not had the chance to experience. My parents divorced when i was young and unfortunately the 'father/daughter' relationship i so needed just wasn't there as he lived with another family. when i started to meet my husband's parents i actually began to feel jealous that he had a close relationship with both his parents and felt that it was something that i has missed out on and actually spent quite a time grieving for this.
i think you might be having similar feelings - talk it through - give them a chance

>HOURS????

Just imagine you're going to dinner with your partner's boss and his wife. Be friendly and polite, and that's all it needs.

LOL have you not gone our for supper an being there for about 2hrs? I have with friends as well as family, making reservations waiting for people to show up so order some drinks, people arrive order meal, eat and have another drink maybe- yup usually 2hrs have already flew by lmao :-D

When we go out to family, and friends Im ususlly trying to pull OH home so they can go to bed!!!

Mahonc,

I think your so-called "high wall" is not quite as high as you think.   Here you are on the WWW unburdening at least some of your innermost feelings.  And I know that this a lot safer than the 3D world ... but I kid you not, we are all real people here :-)

... not to mention you have a man in your life you love.  People with real high walls do not have that - your wall is only of medium height.

I too would dread the first meeting with my partner's parents, I expect everyone is very nervous about it. 

> You no maybe you could all go out for supper this way its on mutual grounds and well what does a supper outing last a couple hours maybe tops- this way you won't feel so uncomfortable in their house or having to bring them to your house...
>

also the food gives you something to start talking about ("how is your ...." etc)